Jeremiah 9:23-24 says "Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”
I read those verses recently while on a little trip with my husband in Florida. I was sitting on a balcony, watching the ocean, feeling peaceful, casually reading along when it seemed like a spotlight shone right on those 2 verses. I stopped, read them again, and again, and again and to be honest, I haven't stopped thinking about them yet. It's been about 2 weeks.... The part that most intrigues me is how the Lord says that he who boasts can boast in the fact that he understands and KNOWS God. It is possible to understand and know God. My heart beats with that passion- to know God, to fall deeper and deeper into His steadfast love, justice, and righteousness, to understand His delight in all of His creation, His hope for the future, His sorrow for the brokenness of the present. I want to know Him and in these verses I see the promise that my desire is not just a dream. I can know God.
Recently I also spent quite a bit of time pondering the verses in Philippians 3 that talk about Pauls "one thing". His one desire was to press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. When I look back through the book of Philippians, Paul talks on about how he counts everything as loss in order that he might gain Christ and be found in Him and then in 3:10, he says "That I may KNOW Him and the power of His resurrection". Paul's life was to know God. It's not that he didn't love those he was serving and teaching, it's not that he didn't work hard at anything his hand found to do, but underneath it all, his ONE THING was to know God and the power of His resurrection. The love and service and teaching naturally flowed from his heart because he understood the heart of God. When you know God, how can you not overflow with Him? God cannot be contained in my humanness- that's like saying the ocean could be contained in a coffee cup. When I make knowing God my sole desire and chief purpose in all that I do, everything He is floods over my weak human self. I can love because He is love, I can be brave because He is always in me, I can be strong because His strength gives me power, I can be wise because He is the author of all wisdom. It's always Him. Always.
While I've been contemplating this, I can't help but think of the story Jesus told in Matthew 13:44. He said "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy, he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field."
The more these words of God have steeped into my soul, the more I am bubbling over with joy at the thought that I can possess this incredible treasure- this precious gift- of knowing God. I would joyfully give all I have, all I could ever be, to know Him more. I don't mean to make light of the gifts He has given me in my life but compared to Him, they really just don't matter. It's not the gifts I want, it's the Giver. I know that all He has given me demonstrates His precious, never ending, amazing love that He has for me. But it's always about Him, never about the gift. He is priceless to me.
Of course, it's easy to rest in this joy right now- it's late at night, my kids are sweetly sleeping, my puppy is snuggled next to me (he's a snuggly little guy), my house is quiet, the dishwasher is running, life is good. I know in too few hours, I will be awake, feeling groggy from this late night, trying to hear through the chaos, and desperate for a word from God. So in those moments, how does knowing God change me?
I'm not sure if I can explain but I know it has to do with making Christ my treasure. When I look at all the ugliness that can happen in a moment, the kids screaming, the misunderstandings, the endless laundry, it's like the treasure of Christ and His love for us all is buried under too many rocks and clods of mud. I can't see it or feel it or even really know for sure if it's there. But, if I can stop a minute, think of what is buried there, breathe... I can see that all these hurts and heartaches, while they do matter, they don't matter as much to me as actually seeing Jesus in that moment. Can I look at my fighting girls, screaming ugly words at each other, and somehow know Jesus more? Can I see His face as He dies to save us from the twisted bitterness of selfishness? Can I help my girls to know that the way of the cross is always better?
When I look at my pile of dishes and think of how I have a million things to do in the next 2 hours and no time for what I really want to do or what I really know is important, can I know God better even then? Can I trust His steadfast love? Can I calm down, can I really believe that there is no emergency with God, that He always knows and always has a plan? Can I let go of my control and rest in His and joyfully proceed with the work ahead of me?
When I do stop and look at Jesus and try to find something new to understand about Him in every moment, it feels like I'm giving all I have to buy a field that I KNOW has a treasure beyond compare. I would willingly sacrifice all of my need to be in charge, my need to be right, my need to feel loved and respected, if I could only know Jesus and know the power of His resurrection coursing through me and making all the dead places alive in my heart.
He is the treasure. Not just knowledge about Him, not just words written on a page that tell me something new, but Him. His loving, amazing, surprising, awesome Self. I really don't think it would ever be possible to be so enthralled with a mere man- only Jesus could ever captivate my entire being in this way. He is my pearl of great price, my precious coin, my hidden treasure.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Enough
Over and over lately, God has been showing me that He is all that matters and He is enough. Jesus is enough has been the theme of every day lately, the last thought in my head before I sleep, the first thought when I wake up, the constant beat of my life every crazy minute. "Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough"
Lately, when I feel sad or discouraged or overwhelmed, emotions that tend to follow me wherever I go, I ask myself "Is Jesus really enough for this? Can He really satisfy the aching emptiness I sometimes feel?" The answer is always a resounding "Yes".
I can say I've tested Him- I've tried in the quiet lonely hours in the evenings when the kids are sleeping, the laundry is overflowing, the mirrors are toothpaste-spattered, the books are falling off the shelves, I've tried to say that He is not going to be able to meet me. I've turned on the TV, I've eaten some ice cream, but every time I've gone down that road, I know I'm just using an anesthetic to dull the ache rather than the scalpel of God's word to cut out the flesh infected with discontent and pride... every time. When I choose to lean into the ache and trust that Jesus is enough, the words He has told me over and over and over and over, and I open His word and I ask Him to show me what I'm not seeing, man, every single time, He meets me. He has never left me alone. Never once.
Sometimes I don't want the answer He gives. Sometimes I want to say "No, this is not the way I want it to be!" and stomp my foot and pout like the 2 year old I sometimes am. But then.... His sweet gentle quiet voice reminds me of the truth that "I, I am He who comforts you" (Isaiah 51:12) and "I am the God who pleads the cause of His people" (Isaiah 51:22). He is a Rock. He is the One that I can fully rest all of my anxiety and fear and loneliness and know that I am loved. I am cherished. I matter.
When I stop pouting and crying and begging for my own way, I say with Paul that forgetting all that is behind, all I want is to strain forward for the prize of knowing my Jesus more. He is all that matters. And I will never ever run out of Him. There will never be a time that I have learned all there is to know and I'm bored. The restlessness in my soul finds its home in the deep never ending love of the person of Jesus. When my eyes finally look away from myself and all the things I think will satisfy and turn to my Jesus, I can't tear my gaze from Him. He is everything.
Lately, when I feel sad or discouraged or overwhelmed, emotions that tend to follow me wherever I go, I ask myself "Is Jesus really enough for this? Can He really satisfy the aching emptiness I sometimes feel?" The answer is always a resounding "Yes".
I can say I've tested Him- I've tried in the quiet lonely hours in the evenings when the kids are sleeping, the laundry is overflowing, the mirrors are toothpaste-spattered, the books are falling off the shelves, I've tried to say that He is not going to be able to meet me. I've turned on the TV, I've eaten some ice cream, but every time I've gone down that road, I know I'm just using an anesthetic to dull the ache rather than the scalpel of God's word to cut out the flesh infected with discontent and pride... every time. When I choose to lean into the ache and trust that Jesus is enough, the words He has told me over and over and over and over, and I open His word and I ask Him to show me what I'm not seeing, man, every single time, He meets me. He has never left me alone. Never once.
Sometimes I don't want the answer He gives. Sometimes I want to say "No, this is not the way I want it to be!" and stomp my foot and pout like the 2 year old I sometimes am. But then.... His sweet gentle quiet voice reminds me of the truth that "I, I am He who comforts you" (Isaiah 51:12) and "I am the God who pleads the cause of His people" (Isaiah 51:22). He is a Rock. He is the One that I can fully rest all of my anxiety and fear and loneliness and know that I am loved. I am cherished. I matter.
When I stop pouting and crying and begging for my own way, I say with Paul that forgetting all that is behind, all I want is to strain forward for the prize of knowing my Jesus more. He is all that matters. And I will never ever run out of Him. There will never be a time that I have learned all there is to know and I'm bored. The restlessness in my soul finds its home in the deep never ending love of the person of Jesus. When my eyes finally look away from myself and all the things I think will satisfy and turn to my Jesus, I can't tear my gaze from Him. He is everything.
Monday, January 30, 2012
So it's been so long since I've written anything, i almost thought i should start a new blog because I feel like I failed at this one. But... I'm tired and that seems like a lot of work and tonight, I can't seem to get anything done because I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head so I'm going to write them down here. I also was thinking I should start a new blog because I feel awkward saying what I think knowing that some people read it. But I suppose if I don't want anyone to read it, I should write in my own private journal and not actually share it. The thing is, though, I actually do want to share. I just feel awkward thinking that other people actually would want to read it. So- if you've read this far, and feel like this is enough rambling, feel free to stop and don't feel forced to read on. :) Ok. Now that I have all that out of my system...
So today was my grandpa's funeral. I can't even really comprehend that. I know with all that is in me that he is with Jesus now. I was sort of telling Jesus earlier that I wish I could just see him for a second, just to KNOW that he is ok and happy and all of that and Jesus reminded me that I walk by faith, and not by sight. So I have to choose faith. And I do know he is so good right now.
I've actually wanted to write about him for at least a year now and for some reason, I just haven't. It felt too personal for my blog that I have such an awkward relationship with :) Anyways, I sort of wish I had shared some of this while he was still alive but I did tell it all to him and that is what really mattered.
I can honestly say that I have absolutely no negative memories of him. I know there is no one in my life who could say that about me... and I'm sure there are people in his life who were hurt by him or offended or something at some point or another, I know he was just a man. But for me, he really was such a larger than life hero. When i was a kid, he was just so big. Everything about him was big and safe and fun. He had huge strong hands that engulfed mine, he hugged big, he laughed big. He was just big. I loved him. A friend of mine was reminding me the other day of a time when we were his guests at an Awana camp and we felt so important because we came with him and it made me think- I always felt important to him. He had 25 grandkids, so it's not like I was the only one or anything, but when I was with him, I always felt like I mattered to him. Like who I was was important in his world. That's huge for a kid. Again- I'm not sure any kids in my life could say that about me right now. I hope that changes.
When I was older, I really liked Russian history and Russian language and so I loved to talk to him about that because he really cared about that too. I really loved to sit at his table and just talk and listen. It always felt like the world was in order, like everything was ok and God was in control and I didn't need to worry. That was such a good feeling.
Honestly, the only thing I ever regretted with him was that I was impatient with him at my wedding. He was performing the ceremony and he sometimes tended to talk on and on and I know in my heart, I was rude and impatient. I'm embarrassed to say that. It shows how immature and self-centered I was. I talked to him about that a couple years ago though and apologized for my immaturity. So I don't really regret that anymore.
As much as I really have just loved him all my life, in the last couple years, that love that was perhaps more focused on how he made me feel important and loved and safe and all of that has changed to a genuine love for him and for who he was and who he has been just in these last couple years. I don't remember when he stopped being able to talk- I remember when he could hardly talk and he would always go to such effort to say "I can't talk very well any more" and I felt so bad he used up his talking energy saying that. One of the last things I remember him saying was "Amen" I was reading Ephesians 3 to him and when I finished with the prayer at the beginning of Ephesians 3 and said "Amen", he echoed it. I really don't know if I ever heard him say another word.
The relationship I've had with him in the last few years is probably kind of odd. It sometimes feels a little like an imaginary friend to me- just because I talked to him a lot and told him what I was learning and what was happening in my life but he never said anything back. He just held my hand and squeezed it tight. I don't know what he was thinking or even really what he heard but I've had such sweet times sitting with him. In my chaotic and loud life, sitting with him was such a welcome refuge.
So many times, I wanted to just tell every person in the hall near him, every CNA who took care of him, every nurse who came in, "Do you know who this is?! This is not just another old person who can't talk. This is my grandpa!"
I've worked in nursing homes. I know how easy it can be to forget that everyone is someone's father, someone's mother, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa... I hated knowing that my grandpa was probably treated just like another body to wash and medicate and clothe and his real self was ignored. I hated that I couldn't do anything to stop that.
I am so glad he is with his Jesus now. I can't fathom how much I will miss him, how much the world is a lesser place without him.
I've been thinking a ton lately about how who I am all comes down to which voices in my life I choose to believe. Do I believe all the voices, real and imaginary, that have told me I'm worthless, dumb, insignificant, a failure... or do I believe the real voices that have told me i am loved, important, valuable?
And I'm realizing, the way that I know Jesus is by how I see Him in the lives of those who have loved me. My grandpa has shown me who Jesus is. I am so grateful.
So today was my grandpa's funeral. I can't even really comprehend that. I know with all that is in me that he is with Jesus now. I was sort of telling Jesus earlier that I wish I could just see him for a second, just to KNOW that he is ok and happy and all of that and Jesus reminded me that I walk by faith, and not by sight. So I have to choose faith. And I do know he is so good right now.
I've actually wanted to write about him for at least a year now and for some reason, I just haven't. It felt too personal for my blog that I have such an awkward relationship with :) Anyways, I sort of wish I had shared some of this while he was still alive but I did tell it all to him and that is what really mattered.
I can honestly say that I have absolutely no negative memories of him. I know there is no one in my life who could say that about me... and I'm sure there are people in his life who were hurt by him or offended or something at some point or another, I know he was just a man. But for me, he really was such a larger than life hero. When i was a kid, he was just so big. Everything about him was big and safe and fun. He had huge strong hands that engulfed mine, he hugged big, he laughed big. He was just big. I loved him. A friend of mine was reminding me the other day of a time when we were his guests at an Awana camp and we felt so important because we came with him and it made me think- I always felt important to him. He had 25 grandkids, so it's not like I was the only one or anything, but when I was with him, I always felt like I mattered to him. Like who I was was important in his world. That's huge for a kid. Again- I'm not sure any kids in my life could say that about me right now. I hope that changes.
When I was older, I really liked Russian history and Russian language and so I loved to talk to him about that because he really cared about that too. I really loved to sit at his table and just talk and listen. It always felt like the world was in order, like everything was ok and God was in control and I didn't need to worry. That was such a good feeling.
Honestly, the only thing I ever regretted with him was that I was impatient with him at my wedding. He was performing the ceremony and he sometimes tended to talk on and on and I know in my heart, I was rude and impatient. I'm embarrassed to say that. It shows how immature and self-centered I was. I talked to him about that a couple years ago though and apologized for my immaturity. So I don't really regret that anymore.
As much as I really have just loved him all my life, in the last couple years, that love that was perhaps more focused on how he made me feel important and loved and safe and all of that has changed to a genuine love for him and for who he was and who he has been just in these last couple years. I don't remember when he stopped being able to talk- I remember when he could hardly talk and he would always go to such effort to say "I can't talk very well any more" and I felt so bad he used up his talking energy saying that. One of the last things I remember him saying was "Amen" I was reading Ephesians 3 to him and when I finished with the prayer at the beginning of Ephesians 3 and said "Amen", he echoed it. I really don't know if I ever heard him say another word.
The relationship I've had with him in the last few years is probably kind of odd. It sometimes feels a little like an imaginary friend to me- just because I talked to him a lot and told him what I was learning and what was happening in my life but he never said anything back. He just held my hand and squeezed it tight. I don't know what he was thinking or even really what he heard but I've had such sweet times sitting with him. In my chaotic and loud life, sitting with him was such a welcome refuge.
So many times, I wanted to just tell every person in the hall near him, every CNA who took care of him, every nurse who came in, "Do you know who this is?! This is not just another old person who can't talk. This is my grandpa!"
I've worked in nursing homes. I know how easy it can be to forget that everyone is someone's father, someone's mother, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa... I hated knowing that my grandpa was probably treated just like another body to wash and medicate and clothe and his real self was ignored. I hated that I couldn't do anything to stop that.
I am so glad he is with his Jesus now. I can't fathom how much I will miss him, how much the world is a lesser place without him.
I've been thinking a ton lately about how who I am all comes down to which voices in my life I choose to believe. Do I believe all the voices, real and imaginary, that have told me I'm worthless, dumb, insignificant, a failure... or do I believe the real voices that have told me i am loved, important, valuable?
And I'm realizing, the way that I know Jesus is by how I see Him in the lives of those who have loved me. My grandpa has shown me who Jesus is. I am so grateful.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Glory
The word "glory" has been resonating in my mind the last day or so. I didn't notice until yesterday though that God was actually telling me to pay attention. I was reading to my girls about the Incans, that's what we're learning about right now, and I was reading how they believed their king was "god" and that everything they did and everything about their life was to bring glory to their god. We talked, my girls and I, about how we are supposed to live the same way, the Bible tells us to do everything to the glory of God. The true God. It's heartbreakingly sad to read about the Incans, or as we were previously reading, about the Aztecs who were so deceived. THe Aztecs believed it was an honor to spill their blood to feed their god. They sacrificed over 50,000 people a year... isn't that just astounding? But they did it because they mistakenly believed that was the way to bring glory to their god.
So then at church yesterday morning, at the weekly prayer time, we were praying that God's glory would be seen in our lives and in our church. That's when I started to pay attention and really think through what that means. And just now, in the course of my daily reading, I read in 1 Corinthians where it says "Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God'.
So what does this mean? Obviously our God, the only real God, does not ask us to spill our own blood to bring Him glory. But He does tell us to be a living sacrifice. Am I? Um. No. I was so convicted yesterday as I was praying for God's glory to be seen that I am certainly a big hindrance to the glory of God being seen by my children. Really. I get so whiney and grumpy and mean when I'm tired and I start to think that my schedules or my life is what needs to be glorified. If I want to live my life in such a way that only the glory of God is seen, then right now, I need a big change. I'm asking God to let every word of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in His sight. That's a big thing to ask. I want to start looking at every single moment of my life as an opportunity to bring glory and praise and distinction to my God. So when I'm doing endless dishes, I can complain in my heart and be whiney about it, I can just not think anything and go through life not really engaged, just performing tasks. OR I can pray for those who used the dishes, I can have a cheerful spirit, I can teach my kids that it really is possible to give thanks in all things. I can stop trying to glorify myself and start humbling myself and seeing myself in the true Light.
Christ is all. There is nothing else. When all of my own false ambitions and desires are stripped away, all I really want is to know the only true God and adore Him. Will my life reflect that today?
So then at church yesterday morning, at the weekly prayer time, we were praying that God's glory would be seen in our lives and in our church. That's when I started to pay attention and really think through what that means. And just now, in the course of my daily reading, I read in 1 Corinthians where it says "Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God'.
So what does this mean? Obviously our God, the only real God, does not ask us to spill our own blood to bring Him glory. But He does tell us to be a living sacrifice. Am I? Um. No. I was so convicted yesterday as I was praying for God's glory to be seen that I am certainly a big hindrance to the glory of God being seen by my children. Really. I get so whiney and grumpy and mean when I'm tired and I start to think that my schedules or my life is what needs to be glorified. If I want to live my life in such a way that only the glory of God is seen, then right now, I need a big change. I'm asking God to let every word of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in His sight. That's a big thing to ask. I want to start looking at every single moment of my life as an opportunity to bring glory and praise and distinction to my God. So when I'm doing endless dishes, I can complain in my heart and be whiney about it, I can just not think anything and go through life not really engaged, just performing tasks. OR I can pray for those who used the dishes, I can have a cheerful spirit, I can teach my kids that it really is possible to give thanks in all things. I can stop trying to glorify myself and start humbling myself and seeing myself in the true Light.
Christ is all. There is nothing else. When all of my own false ambitions and desires are stripped away, all I really want is to know the only true God and adore Him. Will my life reflect that today?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Light
I haven't written here for a long time- mostly because I've just had so much to think about, not because I haven't been thinking at all :)
I've been reading and living in the Psalms lately, trying to really grasp how the psalmists poured out all their emotion to God. I read something yesterday in The God Who Is There by D.A. Carson that said that many times, older people who have experienced life, resonate so much more with the Psalms than younger people who haven't known sorrows and troubles. I dont' know that I'm really older but I think I often feel life deeply and I resonate with everything I read. I've been thinking mostly about Psalm 36:9 which says "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light'. That has just stuck in my mind. I keep thinking about how the only true light is God's light. It is in what He has revealed about Himself that I can truly know light and truth. And all life comes from Him, not in a trickle but in a fountain. The verse before that one says "You give them drink from your river of delights".
Do I know that river? Have I drunk from it? I don't know if I have... there are fleeting moments in my life when I feel like I've dipped a toe in God's river of delight. I want to hang on to those moments and know more of them. Most of the time, I think I dirty up God's delights with the muddy ugliness of my own selfishness and pride.
Right now, I'm looking at this bug-eaten droopy sunflower we rescued from our garden. It was blown down a couple days ago. It looked dead but we put it in water and it has perked up so much. Ok, so half the petals are missing but somehow, it still feels like a gift. God has given so much. There is so much I can delight in and find life in. One thing i know though- it only comes from God. The more I look inward, the more I try to find light in my own heart apart from God, the darker and uglier and gloomier my life becomes. It truly is only in His light that we see light.
I've been reading and living in the Psalms lately, trying to really grasp how the psalmists poured out all their emotion to God. I read something yesterday in The God Who Is There by D.A. Carson that said that many times, older people who have experienced life, resonate so much more with the Psalms than younger people who haven't known sorrows and troubles. I dont' know that I'm really older but I think I often feel life deeply and I resonate with everything I read. I've been thinking mostly about Psalm 36:9 which says "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light'. That has just stuck in my mind. I keep thinking about how the only true light is God's light. It is in what He has revealed about Himself that I can truly know light and truth. And all life comes from Him, not in a trickle but in a fountain. The verse before that one says "You give them drink from your river of delights".
Do I know that river? Have I drunk from it? I don't know if I have... there are fleeting moments in my life when I feel like I've dipped a toe in God's river of delight. I want to hang on to those moments and know more of them. Most of the time, I think I dirty up God's delights with the muddy ugliness of my own selfishness and pride.
Right now, I'm looking at this bug-eaten droopy sunflower we rescued from our garden. It was blown down a couple days ago. It looked dead but we put it in water and it has perked up so much. Ok, so half the petals are missing but somehow, it still feels like a gift. God has given so much. There is so much I can delight in and find life in. One thing i know though- it only comes from God. The more I look inward, the more I try to find light in my own heart apart from God, the darker and uglier and gloomier my life becomes. It truly is only in His light that we see light.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Manna
I've been reading in Exodus lately. I'm trying to really ponder every passage- rather than just reading the words and thinking "Huh, that's nice". I'm thinking about this massive group of people who had never really heard from God- they maybe heard OF God but didn't hear from Him. And then suddenly, miraculously, God rescues them. Just takes them away from the captivity they have known. I think I've mentioned on here that I spent quite a long time thinking about why He waited so long to rescue them- why He let so many die without being rescued but I've concluded that I am NOT God. Big surprise right? ;) And I'm ok with saying that God is God, I don't understand His ways but I do trust that His ways are best.
So then I was reading about how the Israelites got hungry so naturally, they started remembering how "good" they had it in Egypt and how they just sat around eating meat all the time. I've done that a lot- God rescues me from some pattern of sin, some bad situation, and as soon as I feel slightly uncomfortable and scared, I think I was so much better off before God bothered me. Isn't that awful? What a sinful way for me to think. But then God in His incredible kindness always forgives, restores, AND provides. That's what the manna is. God's amazing kindness.
I'm in a season of deliverance right now and it's not super easy at times. There are long held patterns of sin and disbelief in my heart that I believe God is rooting out. It doesn't always feel great and some mornings, I think, life was a lot easier before I started thinking about all this, it was a lot easier when I could get out of bed and plan my day and execute the plan however I wanted. But then I remember that each day God will provide for me in a totally unexpected way. He will send me manna to sustain me if I look for it and gather it. Notice He didn't just fill the Israelites bellies, they still had to trust that what God provided was good and what they needed and then they had to get up and get their baskets and fill them with manna. If I just get out of bed and start my day and don't look for God's provision, it's foolish for me to think that I will be able to claim God's grace in my daily, minute by minute struggles.
This morning, there has been the usual kid-craziness. Kids fighting, wrestling, whining, not leaving me alone ever, not obeying. It's enough to make me feel like screaming that life was better when I wasn't trying to obey God. But I read in Exodus this morning how God provides and how His plan is good. And I read in Psalm 103 which I am currently memorizing that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. So am I going to choose to trust that, to believe that God is able to crown me with love and compassion, that His love and compassion is able to flow through me onto these children who need to see His love alive in me? Or will I choose to not take in the manna God so kindly provided me this morning? It's all a choice- I can take in, chew and digest His goodness or I can choose to leave it on the ground.
So then I was reading about how the Israelites got hungry so naturally, they started remembering how "good" they had it in Egypt and how they just sat around eating meat all the time. I've done that a lot- God rescues me from some pattern of sin, some bad situation, and as soon as I feel slightly uncomfortable and scared, I think I was so much better off before God bothered me. Isn't that awful? What a sinful way for me to think. But then God in His incredible kindness always forgives, restores, AND provides. That's what the manna is. God's amazing kindness.
I'm in a season of deliverance right now and it's not super easy at times. There are long held patterns of sin and disbelief in my heart that I believe God is rooting out. It doesn't always feel great and some mornings, I think, life was a lot easier before I started thinking about all this, it was a lot easier when I could get out of bed and plan my day and execute the plan however I wanted. But then I remember that each day God will provide for me in a totally unexpected way. He will send me manna to sustain me if I look for it and gather it. Notice He didn't just fill the Israelites bellies, they still had to trust that what God provided was good and what they needed and then they had to get up and get their baskets and fill them with manna. If I just get out of bed and start my day and don't look for God's provision, it's foolish for me to think that I will be able to claim God's grace in my daily, minute by minute struggles.
This morning, there has been the usual kid-craziness. Kids fighting, wrestling, whining, not leaving me alone ever, not obeying. It's enough to make me feel like screaming that life was better when I wasn't trying to obey God. But I read in Exodus this morning how God provides and how His plan is good. And I read in Psalm 103 which I am currently memorizing that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. So am I going to choose to trust that, to believe that God is able to crown me with love and compassion, that His love and compassion is able to flow through me onto these children who need to see His love alive in me? Or will I choose to not take in the manna God so kindly provided me this morning? It's all a choice- I can take in, chew and digest His goodness or I can choose to leave it on the ground.
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Praying Life- chapters 1 and 2
Ok, I am finally going to start this discussion that I've wanted to have for a couple months now. I don't know if any friends out there did actually get this book but I guess if you didn't, you can still just listen in :) I would recommend getting it though and reading it and applying the truth found in it.
I have the discussion guide and I'm going to post some questions from the book with my answers and then if you want to post your own responses, feel free and we can just encourage each other in the Lord as we grow in a deeper relationship with Him.
Chapter 1
Paul writes of quiet cynicism, spiritual weariness and doubts that grow in us. Which of these do you relate most easily to? How do you see that?
In my life, I tend to get very weary. I feel like many times I've prayed for the same thing over and over and I don't see the answers and I just feel tired. I guess that falls under the category of cynicism too- wondering if my prayer really does matter
Why is it easier on our faith NOT to pray?
I think if I don't actually ever pray for anything, there is never the chance that I will be let down, that I will have to deal with a prayer that appears to be unanswered.
What is it about American culture that makes it particularly difficult for you to pray?
I think the lack of quiet and stillness. I feel like I need to be actually physically doing something all the time, because there is always more to do and I have to discipline myself to actually be quiet and sit before God.
I left out a couple questions but those were the main ones in chapter 1 that made me think through my current view of prayer- it's definitely changing but I think it was a good exercise for me to really admit the areas that I struggle in and my frequent weariness.
Chapter 2
How is prayer like having a good meal with friends?
Ideally, prayer should be a time of laughing, enjoying the company of a Friend, listening, relating the days experiences.... is it always for me? Um... no.
According to Revelations 3:20, what kind of relationship does God want with us? What does this tell us about what Jesus is like?
This really makes me think- here it says that Jesus wants to come in and eat with me if I just open the door. I think of the good times I've had with friends around my table and I want to feel that way when I talk to Jesus, you know? And the fact that He wants that with me sort of blows my mind.
Describe the differences between an isolated prayer life and a prayer-intertwined life.
An isolated prayer life is one where the moments in prayer are restricted to singular moments of the day, rather then every moment being a moment in which I am living before the face of God, in conversation with my Father. An intertwined life is one in which my prayers affect my moments and my moments affect my prayers- where every second of my life is submitted to the will of God and where I can freely discuss those moments with God, knowing that He cares deeply for the needs in my heart at any given moment. An isolated prayer life is a lonely hard life. I can't really imagine it, not talking to God as my day unfolds- so much changes from the moments when I first pray, before I open my eyes, to the moments as I drift to sleep. I wouldn't want to do all that alone. Prayer is a gift..
How is prayer a window into God's story for you?
I like to think about this- how all of my life is a drama that is unfolding, and the unanswered prayers create the tension and conflict that every good story needs- it makes me want to keep reading to see how it all works out. It's easier when I'm not actually living in the middle of it but it helps to think that this is not the end of the story....
How does prayer give birth to hope?
I'm just going to quote from the book here, because he says it so well and it makes sense to me- As we learn to pray well, we'll discover that this is my Father's world. Because my Father controls everything, I can ask, and he will listen and act. Since I am His child, change is possible and hope is born. Isn't that a blessed thought?!
How does a praying life affect a busy life?
This is my favorite question/thought here I think- I've thought about this a lot because sometimes my life is out of control busy with people and places and jobs.. So again, I'm going to quote the book If we love people and have the power to help, we are going to be busy. Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; it offers us a less busy heart. In the midst of outer busyness we can develop an inner quiet. Because we are less hectic on the inside, we have a capacity to love... and thus to be busy, which in turn drives us even more into a life of prayer.
I can totally attest to this truth. I have been really busy lots of times in my life, well, really, all the time, but the times when I am living in prayer and trusting God each minute are so peaceful and fulfilling. The times when I somehow forget that I need God are chaotic and ugly and cause me to become selfish and demanding of my own time. I can't love people without first loving and deeply knowing God. Once I do open my life to a real relationship with God, my days do tend to fill up but I don't resent that time at all because each moment is another part of the story that God is writing in my life and in the lives of those that my life touches. Does that make sense?
Ok, well, that's all for chapters 1 and 2. I would LOVE to hear some other thoughts! I have read this book but my life/heart is in a different place today than it was a few months ago so I am looking forward to reading through it again and really pondering it in depth. Sorry it took me so long to post this. I am really going to try to do at least one chapter a week!
I have the discussion guide and I'm going to post some questions from the book with my answers and then if you want to post your own responses, feel free and we can just encourage each other in the Lord as we grow in a deeper relationship with Him.
Chapter 1
Paul writes of quiet cynicism, spiritual weariness and doubts that grow in us. Which of these do you relate most easily to? How do you see that?
In my life, I tend to get very weary. I feel like many times I've prayed for the same thing over and over and I don't see the answers and I just feel tired. I guess that falls under the category of cynicism too- wondering if my prayer really does matter
Why is it easier on our faith NOT to pray?
I think if I don't actually ever pray for anything, there is never the chance that I will be let down, that I will have to deal with a prayer that appears to be unanswered.
What is it about American culture that makes it particularly difficult for you to pray?
I think the lack of quiet and stillness. I feel like I need to be actually physically doing something all the time, because there is always more to do and I have to discipline myself to actually be quiet and sit before God.
I left out a couple questions but those were the main ones in chapter 1 that made me think through my current view of prayer- it's definitely changing but I think it was a good exercise for me to really admit the areas that I struggle in and my frequent weariness.
Chapter 2
How is prayer like having a good meal with friends?
Ideally, prayer should be a time of laughing, enjoying the company of a Friend, listening, relating the days experiences.... is it always for me? Um... no.
According to Revelations 3:20, what kind of relationship does God want with us? What does this tell us about what Jesus is like?
This really makes me think- here it says that Jesus wants to come in and eat with me if I just open the door. I think of the good times I've had with friends around my table and I want to feel that way when I talk to Jesus, you know? And the fact that He wants that with me sort of blows my mind.
Describe the differences between an isolated prayer life and a prayer-intertwined life.
An isolated prayer life is one where the moments in prayer are restricted to singular moments of the day, rather then every moment being a moment in which I am living before the face of God, in conversation with my Father. An intertwined life is one in which my prayers affect my moments and my moments affect my prayers- where every second of my life is submitted to the will of God and where I can freely discuss those moments with God, knowing that He cares deeply for the needs in my heart at any given moment. An isolated prayer life is a lonely hard life. I can't really imagine it, not talking to God as my day unfolds- so much changes from the moments when I first pray, before I open my eyes, to the moments as I drift to sleep. I wouldn't want to do all that alone. Prayer is a gift..
How is prayer a window into God's story for you?
I like to think about this- how all of my life is a drama that is unfolding, and the unanswered prayers create the tension and conflict that every good story needs- it makes me want to keep reading to see how it all works out. It's easier when I'm not actually living in the middle of it but it helps to think that this is not the end of the story....
How does prayer give birth to hope?
I'm just going to quote from the book here, because he says it so well and it makes sense to me- As we learn to pray well, we'll discover that this is my Father's world. Because my Father controls everything, I can ask, and he will listen and act. Since I am His child, change is possible and hope is born. Isn't that a blessed thought?!
How does a praying life affect a busy life?
This is my favorite question/thought here I think- I've thought about this a lot because sometimes my life is out of control busy with people and places and jobs.. So again, I'm going to quote the book If we love people and have the power to help, we are going to be busy. Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; it offers us a less busy heart. In the midst of outer busyness we can develop an inner quiet. Because we are less hectic on the inside, we have a capacity to love... and thus to be busy, which in turn drives us even more into a life of prayer.
I can totally attest to this truth. I have been really busy lots of times in my life, well, really, all the time, but the times when I am living in prayer and trusting God each minute are so peaceful and fulfilling. The times when I somehow forget that I need God are chaotic and ugly and cause me to become selfish and demanding of my own time. I can't love people without first loving and deeply knowing God. Once I do open my life to a real relationship with God, my days do tend to fill up but I don't resent that time at all because each moment is another part of the story that God is writing in my life and in the lives of those that my life touches. Does that make sense?
Ok, well, that's all for chapters 1 and 2. I would LOVE to hear some other thoughts! I have read this book but my life/heart is in a different place today than it was a few months ago so I am looking forward to reading through it again and really pondering it in depth. Sorry it took me so long to post this. I am really going to try to do at least one chapter a week!
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