The word "glory" has been resonating in my mind the last day or so. I didn't notice until yesterday though that God was actually telling me to pay attention. I was reading to my girls about the Incans, that's what we're learning about right now, and I was reading how they believed their king was "god" and that everything they did and everything about their life was to bring glory to their god. We talked, my girls and I, about how we are supposed to live the same way, the Bible tells us to do everything to the glory of God. The true God. It's heartbreakingly sad to read about the Incans, or as we were previously reading, about the Aztecs who were so deceived. THe Aztecs believed it was an honor to spill their blood to feed their god. They sacrificed over 50,000 people a year... isn't that just astounding? But they did it because they mistakenly believed that was the way to bring glory to their god.
So then at church yesterday morning, at the weekly prayer time, we were praying that God's glory would be seen in our lives and in our church. That's when I started to pay attention and really think through what that means. And just now, in the course of my daily reading, I read in 1 Corinthians where it says "Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God'.
So what does this mean? Obviously our God, the only real God, does not ask us to spill our own blood to bring Him glory. But He does tell us to be a living sacrifice. Am I? Um. No. I was so convicted yesterday as I was praying for God's glory to be seen that I am certainly a big hindrance to the glory of God being seen by my children. Really. I get so whiney and grumpy and mean when I'm tired and I start to think that my schedules or my life is what needs to be glorified. If I want to live my life in such a way that only the glory of God is seen, then right now, I need a big change. I'm asking God to let every word of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in His sight. That's a big thing to ask. I want to start looking at every single moment of my life as an opportunity to bring glory and praise and distinction to my God. So when I'm doing endless dishes, I can complain in my heart and be whiney about it, I can just not think anything and go through life not really engaged, just performing tasks. OR I can pray for those who used the dishes, I can have a cheerful spirit, I can teach my kids that it really is possible to give thanks in all things. I can stop trying to glorify myself and start humbling myself and seeing myself in the true Light.
Christ is all. There is nothing else. When all of my own false ambitions and desires are stripped away, all I really want is to know the only true God and adore Him. Will my life reflect that today?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Light
I haven't written here for a long time- mostly because I've just had so much to think about, not because I haven't been thinking at all :)
I've been reading and living in the Psalms lately, trying to really grasp how the psalmists poured out all their emotion to God. I read something yesterday in The God Who Is There by D.A. Carson that said that many times, older people who have experienced life, resonate so much more with the Psalms than younger people who haven't known sorrows and troubles. I dont' know that I'm really older but I think I often feel life deeply and I resonate with everything I read. I've been thinking mostly about Psalm 36:9 which says "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light'. That has just stuck in my mind. I keep thinking about how the only true light is God's light. It is in what He has revealed about Himself that I can truly know light and truth. And all life comes from Him, not in a trickle but in a fountain. The verse before that one says "You give them drink from your river of delights".
Do I know that river? Have I drunk from it? I don't know if I have... there are fleeting moments in my life when I feel like I've dipped a toe in God's river of delight. I want to hang on to those moments and know more of them. Most of the time, I think I dirty up God's delights with the muddy ugliness of my own selfishness and pride.
Right now, I'm looking at this bug-eaten droopy sunflower we rescued from our garden. It was blown down a couple days ago. It looked dead but we put it in water and it has perked up so much. Ok, so half the petals are missing but somehow, it still feels like a gift. God has given so much. There is so much I can delight in and find life in. One thing i know though- it only comes from God. The more I look inward, the more I try to find light in my own heart apart from God, the darker and uglier and gloomier my life becomes. It truly is only in His light that we see light.
I've been reading and living in the Psalms lately, trying to really grasp how the psalmists poured out all their emotion to God. I read something yesterday in The God Who Is There by D.A. Carson that said that many times, older people who have experienced life, resonate so much more with the Psalms than younger people who haven't known sorrows and troubles. I dont' know that I'm really older but I think I often feel life deeply and I resonate with everything I read. I've been thinking mostly about Psalm 36:9 which says "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light'. That has just stuck in my mind. I keep thinking about how the only true light is God's light. It is in what He has revealed about Himself that I can truly know light and truth. And all life comes from Him, not in a trickle but in a fountain. The verse before that one says "You give them drink from your river of delights".
Do I know that river? Have I drunk from it? I don't know if I have... there are fleeting moments in my life when I feel like I've dipped a toe in God's river of delight. I want to hang on to those moments and know more of them. Most of the time, I think I dirty up God's delights with the muddy ugliness of my own selfishness and pride.
Right now, I'm looking at this bug-eaten droopy sunflower we rescued from our garden. It was blown down a couple days ago. It looked dead but we put it in water and it has perked up so much. Ok, so half the petals are missing but somehow, it still feels like a gift. God has given so much. There is so much I can delight in and find life in. One thing i know though- it only comes from God. The more I look inward, the more I try to find light in my own heart apart from God, the darker and uglier and gloomier my life becomes. It truly is only in His light that we see light.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Manna
I've been reading in Exodus lately. I'm trying to really ponder every passage- rather than just reading the words and thinking "Huh, that's nice". I'm thinking about this massive group of people who had never really heard from God- they maybe heard OF God but didn't hear from Him. And then suddenly, miraculously, God rescues them. Just takes them away from the captivity they have known. I think I've mentioned on here that I spent quite a long time thinking about why He waited so long to rescue them- why He let so many die without being rescued but I've concluded that I am NOT God. Big surprise right? ;) And I'm ok with saying that God is God, I don't understand His ways but I do trust that His ways are best.
So then I was reading about how the Israelites got hungry so naturally, they started remembering how "good" they had it in Egypt and how they just sat around eating meat all the time. I've done that a lot- God rescues me from some pattern of sin, some bad situation, and as soon as I feel slightly uncomfortable and scared, I think I was so much better off before God bothered me. Isn't that awful? What a sinful way for me to think. But then God in His incredible kindness always forgives, restores, AND provides. That's what the manna is. God's amazing kindness.
I'm in a season of deliverance right now and it's not super easy at times. There are long held patterns of sin and disbelief in my heart that I believe God is rooting out. It doesn't always feel great and some mornings, I think, life was a lot easier before I started thinking about all this, it was a lot easier when I could get out of bed and plan my day and execute the plan however I wanted. But then I remember that each day God will provide for me in a totally unexpected way. He will send me manna to sustain me if I look for it and gather it. Notice He didn't just fill the Israelites bellies, they still had to trust that what God provided was good and what they needed and then they had to get up and get their baskets and fill them with manna. If I just get out of bed and start my day and don't look for God's provision, it's foolish for me to think that I will be able to claim God's grace in my daily, minute by minute struggles.
This morning, there has been the usual kid-craziness. Kids fighting, wrestling, whining, not leaving me alone ever, not obeying. It's enough to make me feel like screaming that life was better when I wasn't trying to obey God. But I read in Exodus this morning how God provides and how His plan is good. And I read in Psalm 103 which I am currently memorizing that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. So am I going to choose to trust that, to believe that God is able to crown me with love and compassion, that His love and compassion is able to flow through me onto these children who need to see His love alive in me? Or will I choose to not take in the manna God so kindly provided me this morning? It's all a choice- I can take in, chew and digest His goodness or I can choose to leave it on the ground.
So then I was reading about how the Israelites got hungry so naturally, they started remembering how "good" they had it in Egypt and how they just sat around eating meat all the time. I've done that a lot- God rescues me from some pattern of sin, some bad situation, and as soon as I feel slightly uncomfortable and scared, I think I was so much better off before God bothered me. Isn't that awful? What a sinful way for me to think. But then God in His incredible kindness always forgives, restores, AND provides. That's what the manna is. God's amazing kindness.
I'm in a season of deliverance right now and it's not super easy at times. There are long held patterns of sin and disbelief in my heart that I believe God is rooting out. It doesn't always feel great and some mornings, I think, life was a lot easier before I started thinking about all this, it was a lot easier when I could get out of bed and plan my day and execute the plan however I wanted. But then I remember that each day God will provide for me in a totally unexpected way. He will send me manna to sustain me if I look for it and gather it. Notice He didn't just fill the Israelites bellies, they still had to trust that what God provided was good and what they needed and then they had to get up and get their baskets and fill them with manna. If I just get out of bed and start my day and don't look for God's provision, it's foolish for me to think that I will be able to claim God's grace in my daily, minute by minute struggles.
This morning, there has been the usual kid-craziness. Kids fighting, wrestling, whining, not leaving me alone ever, not obeying. It's enough to make me feel like screaming that life was better when I wasn't trying to obey God. But I read in Exodus this morning how God provides and how His plan is good. And I read in Psalm 103 which I am currently memorizing that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. So am I going to choose to trust that, to believe that God is able to crown me with love and compassion, that His love and compassion is able to flow through me onto these children who need to see His love alive in me? Or will I choose to not take in the manna God so kindly provided me this morning? It's all a choice- I can take in, chew and digest His goodness or I can choose to leave it on the ground.
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Praying Life- chapters 1 and 2
Ok, I am finally going to start this discussion that I've wanted to have for a couple months now. I don't know if any friends out there did actually get this book but I guess if you didn't, you can still just listen in :) I would recommend getting it though and reading it and applying the truth found in it.
I have the discussion guide and I'm going to post some questions from the book with my answers and then if you want to post your own responses, feel free and we can just encourage each other in the Lord as we grow in a deeper relationship with Him.
Chapter 1
Paul writes of quiet cynicism, spiritual weariness and doubts that grow in us. Which of these do you relate most easily to? How do you see that?
In my life, I tend to get very weary. I feel like many times I've prayed for the same thing over and over and I don't see the answers and I just feel tired. I guess that falls under the category of cynicism too- wondering if my prayer really does matter
Why is it easier on our faith NOT to pray?
I think if I don't actually ever pray for anything, there is never the chance that I will be let down, that I will have to deal with a prayer that appears to be unanswered.
What is it about American culture that makes it particularly difficult for you to pray?
I think the lack of quiet and stillness. I feel like I need to be actually physically doing something all the time, because there is always more to do and I have to discipline myself to actually be quiet and sit before God.
I left out a couple questions but those were the main ones in chapter 1 that made me think through my current view of prayer- it's definitely changing but I think it was a good exercise for me to really admit the areas that I struggle in and my frequent weariness.
Chapter 2
How is prayer like having a good meal with friends?
Ideally, prayer should be a time of laughing, enjoying the company of a Friend, listening, relating the days experiences.... is it always for me? Um... no.
According to Revelations 3:20, what kind of relationship does God want with us? What does this tell us about what Jesus is like?
This really makes me think- here it says that Jesus wants to come in and eat with me if I just open the door. I think of the good times I've had with friends around my table and I want to feel that way when I talk to Jesus, you know? And the fact that He wants that with me sort of blows my mind.
Describe the differences between an isolated prayer life and a prayer-intertwined life.
An isolated prayer life is one where the moments in prayer are restricted to singular moments of the day, rather then every moment being a moment in which I am living before the face of God, in conversation with my Father. An intertwined life is one in which my prayers affect my moments and my moments affect my prayers- where every second of my life is submitted to the will of God and where I can freely discuss those moments with God, knowing that He cares deeply for the needs in my heart at any given moment. An isolated prayer life is a lonely hard life. I can't really imagine it, not talking to God as my day unfolds- so much changes from the moments when I first pray, before I open my eyes, to the moments as I drift to sleep. I wouldn't want to do all that alone. Prayer is a gift..
How is prayer a window into God's story for you?
I like to think about this- how all of my life is a drama that is unfolding, and the unanswered prayers create the tension and conflict that every good story needs- it makes me want to keep reading to see how it all works out. It's easier when I'm not actually living in the middle of it but it helps to think that this is not the end of the story....
How does prayer give birth to hope?
I'm just going to quote from the book here, because he says it so well and it makes sense to me- As we learn to pray well, we'll discover that this is my Father's world. Because my Father controls everything, I can ask, and he will listen and act. Since I am His child, change is possible and hope is born. Isn't that a blessed thought?!
How does a praying life affect a busy life?
This is my favorite question/thought here I think- I've thought about this a lot because sometimes my life is out of control busy with people and places and jobs.. So again, I'm going to quote the book If we love people and have the power to help, we are going to be busy. Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; it offers us a less busy heart. In the midst of outer busyness we can develop an inner quiet. Because we are less hectic on the inside, we have a capacity to love... and thus to be busy, which in turn drives us even more into a life of prayer.
I can totally attest to this truth. I have been really busy lots of times in my life, well, really, all the time, but the times when I am living in prayer and trusting God each minute are so peaceful and fulfilling. The times when I somehow forget that I need God are chaotic and ugly and cause me to become selfish and demanding of my own time. I can't love people without first loving and deeply knowing God. Once I do open my life to a real relationship with God, my days do tend to fill up but I don't resent that time at all because each moment is another part of the story that God is writing in my life and in the lives of those that my life touches. Does that make sense?
Ok, well, that's all for chapters 1 and 2. I would LOVE to hear some other thoughts! I have read this book but my life/heart is in a different place today than it was a few months ago so I am looking forward to reading through it again and really pondering it in depth. Sorry it took me so long to post this. I am really going to try to do at least one chapter a week!
I have the discussion guide and I'm going to post some questions from the book with my answers and then if you want to post your own responses, feel free and we can just encourage each other in the Lord as we grow in a deeper relationship with Him.
Chapter 1
Paul writes of quiet cynicism, spiritual weariness and doubts that grow in us. Which of these do you relate most easily to? How do you see that?
In my life, I tend to get very weary. I feel like many times I've prayed for the same thing over and over and I don't see the answers and I just feel tired. I guess that falls under the category of cynicism too- wondering if my prayer really does matter
Why is it easier on our faith NOT to pray?
I think if I don't actually ever pray for anything, there is never the chance that I will be let down, that I will have to deal with a prayer that appears to be unanswered.
What is it about American culture that makes it particularly difficult for you to pray?
I think the lack of quiet and stillness. I feel like I need to be actually physically doing something all the time, because there is always more to do and I have to discipline myself to actually be quiet and sit before God.
I left out a couple questions but those were the main ones in chapter 1 that made me think through my current view of prayer- it's definitely changing but I think it was a good exercise for me to really admit the areas that I struggle in and my frequent weariness.
Chapter 2
How is prayer like having a good meal with friends?
Ideally, prayer should be a time of laughing, enjoying the company of a Friend, listening, relating the days experiences.... is it always for me? Um... no.
According to Revelations 3:20, what kind of relationship does God want with us? What does this tell us about what Jesus is like?
This really makes me think- here it says that Jesus wants to come in and eat with me if I just open the door. I think of the good times I've had with friends around my table and I want to feel that way when I talk to Jesus, you know? And the fact that He wants that with me sort of blows my mind.
Describe the differences between an isolated prayer life and a prayer-intertwined life.
An isolated prayer life is one where the moments in prayer are restricted to singular moments of the day, rather then every moment being a moment in which I am living before the face of God, in conversation with my Father. An intertwined life is one in which my prayers affect my moments and my moments affect my prayers- where every second of my life is submitted to the will of God and where I can freely discuss those moments with God, knowing that He cares deeply for the needs in my heart at any given moment. An isolated prayer life is a lonely hard life. I can't really imagine it, not talking to God as my day unfolds- so much changes from the moments when I first pray, before I open my eyes, to the moments as I drift to sleep. I wouldn't want to do all that alone. Prayer is a gift..
How is prayer a window into God's story for you?
I like to think about this- how all of my life is a drama that is unfolding, and the unanswered prayers create the tension and conflict that every good story needs- it makes me want to keep reading to see how it all works out. It's easier when I'm not actually living in the middle of it but it helps to think that this is not the end of the story....
How does prayer give birth to hope?
I'm just going to quote from the book here, because he says it so well and it makes sense to me- As we learn to pray well, we'll discover that this is my Father's world. Because my Father controls everything, I can ask, and he will listen and act. Since I am His child, change is possible and hope is born. Isn't that a blessed thought?!
How does a praying life affect a busy life?
This is my favorite question/thought here I think- I've thought about this a lot because sometimes my life is out of control busy with people and places and jobs.. So again, I'm going to quote the book If we love people and have the power to help, we are going to be busy. Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; it offers us a less busy heart. In the midst of outer busyness we can develop an inner quiet. Because we are less hectic on the inside, we have a capacity to love... and thus to be busy, which in turn drives us even more into a life of prayer.
I can totally attest to this truth. I have been really busy lots of times in my life, well, really, all the time, but the times when I am living in prayer and trusting God each minute are so peaceful and fulfilling. The times when I somehow forget that I need God are chaotic and ugly and cause me to become selfish and demanding of my own time. I can't love people without first loving and deeply knowing God. Once I do open my life to a real relationship with God, my days do tend to fill up but I don't resent that time at all because each moment is another part of the story that God is writing in my life and in the lives of those that my life touches. Does that make sense?
Ok, well, that's all for chapters 1 and 2. I would LOVE to hear some other thoughts! I have read this book but my life/heart is in a different place today than it was a few months ago so I am looking forward to reading through it again and really pondering it in depth. Sorry it took me so long to post this. I am really going to try to do at least one chapter a week!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Today
So, today hasn't been a super impressive day for me so far. I was frustrated and to be honest, angry at my kids way too much this morning. They were just constantly picking at each other and fighting with me and it felt like every word was a piercing needle in my sore heart and achy head. So I chose to be angry and depressed and somewhat in despair for at least 2 hours. I griped and complained (not lamented) and generally pouted. Really. It wasn't pretty.
The thing about throwing a fit is that eventually, you really just have to stop and go on with the day and do the dishes and fold the laundry and drive kids around and wipe noses and bottoms and all the other things that make up my day. My husband, in his wisdom, chose to deal with my fit by reading his Bible which was the right choice on his part but annoyed me because it reminded me that eventually I would have to turn my heart towards God which would require apology and softening and admitting my ugly faults.
Obviously, I did eventually do all that or I wouldn't be writing this :). I read in Psalm 50 how God wants our thanks offerings. I thought about how unthankful I had been. I was annoyed because of my children's ingratitude when really, mine is so much more pronounced. I know better. I know that I have been given so much and yet I choose anger and choose unkind words and ridiculous self-pity leading into self-condemnation. All of which brings me away from God and into myself. I feel physically clenched and tight and a stark refusal to open my eyes, my heart, my fists and receive from God.
So what I finally realized, after reading a little Psalms, drinking some tea and eating some chocolate cake (b/c doesn't chocolate cake just help sometimes?!) was that I really do have a choice and just because I want to say that circumstances cause me to be upset or angry or I want to believe that life is too hard or too unfair, that isn't the truth.
After believing a lot of lies for a lot of years, I feel like I'm groping in the dark to find TRUTH. But I desperately want the truth. And the truth is that God is good. In every moment. Even when I feel like everyone around me is angry and hostile and demanding way too much of me. God is good. His desire is for me. Isn't that just crazy? When I'm so ugly and unkind, God is still pursuing me. I know that when I put down my fists, He's there accepting me and ready to move on and continue His work.
How can I keep on living like this?
I forget to be thankful. I forget every minute that God has ALREADY given me everything I need for life in Him. I'm going to start making a list just as the author of One Thousand Gifts started her journey. I need to actually physically write down what God has done for me so I don't forget anymore.
SO- that's my day. I have a lot more hours, at least 5 hours with my kids, some of them way too late and easily given to crankiness. May God continue to be merciful to me....
The thing about throwing a fit is that eventually, you really just have to stop and go on with the day and do the dishes and fold the laundry and drive kids around and wipe noses and bottoms and all the other things that make up my day. My husband, in his wisdom, chose to deal with my fit by reading his Bible which was the right choice on his part but annoyed me because it reminded me that eventually I would have to turn my heart towards God which would require apology and softening and admitting my ugly faults.
Obviously, I did eventually do all that or I wouldn't be writing this :). I read in Psalm 50 how God wants our thanks offerings. I thought about how unthankful I had been. I was annoyed because of my children's ingratitude when really, mine is so much more pronounced. I know better. I know that I have been given so much and yet I choose anger and choose unkind words and ridiculous self-pity leading into self-condemnation. All of which brings me away from God and into myself. I feel physically clenched and tight and a stark refusal to open my eyes, my heart, my fists and receive from God.
So what I finally realized, after reading a little Psalms, drinking some tea and eating some chocolate cake (b/c doesn't chocolate cake just help sometimes?!) was that I really do have a choice and just because I want to say that circumstances cause me to be upset or angry or I want to believe that life is too hard or too unfair, that isn't the truth.
After believing a lot of lies for a lot of years, I feel like I'm groping in the dark to find TRUTH. But I desperately want the truth. And the truth is that God is good. In every moment. Even when I feel like everyone around me is angry and hostile and demanding way too much of me. God is good. His desire is for me. Isn't that just crazy? When I'm so ugly and unkind, God is still pursuing me. I know that when I put down my fists, He's there accepting me and ready to move on and continue His work.
How can I keep on living like this?
I forget to be thankful. I forget every minute that God has ALREADY given me everything I need for life in Him. I'm going to start making a list just as the author of One Thousand Gifts started her journey. I need to actually physically write down what God has done for me so I don't forget anymore.
SO- that's my day. I have a lot more hours, at least 5 hours with my kids, some of them way too late and easily given to crankiness. May God continue to be merciful to me....
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Trust
I read this statement yesterday in my current book One Thousand Gifts- you really should just read the book. It is really fitting my life right now- I feel like it was written just for me :) Anyways, here's the statement that I've been pondering- "Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart."
I've really been thinking about all the complaining I do and what that says about my trust in God. I have realized in the last month or so that I have not trusted that God is a good God. I certainly would have told anyone who asked that I believe God is good and He is sovereign but in my deepest self, I've wondered if that is really true. I have believed He is in control and He orders all things but I've wondered if He is really good. If the heartache and ugliness of this world could possibly exist if God is really good. Even though in my head, I have known that He is good and I've known that eventually I would figure it out in my heart, it's still been a hard place. Those are not questions that are easily answered or easily examined. It frightens me to look deeply into the motives and intents of my heart. I don't like what I see, most of the time. I see so much grasping and clenching for control and power and yet I still say I want to be free and open and receive God's gifts.
I'm learning now that trust grows from moment by moment acknowledgment and gratitude for the gifts God has given me. When I thank Him for the sweet chubby fingers of my two year old pressing into my cheeks as he whispers, "Be quiet Mommy, see the dark" because in his mind, darkness means quiet, I guess. I can thank God for that moment. I can remember when he was born and the night we were so afraid he wouldn't recover and his lungs wouldn't start to work. I can remember that he is a gift from God. When I thank God for sunshine, for rain, for flowers, I see His gifts around me and I can know that He is caring for me today and that is enough. I'm seeing how He doesn't stop giving. It is gratitude that feeds trust and leads to joy and love. Ann Voskamp said this in her book but before that, a wise friend told me she learned this from reading the Psalms and watching how David lamented his afflictions but always remembered how God had provided and cared in the past and trusted He would provide again.
I want to be able to lament without complaining to God. I hate the bitter anger that is sometimes in my prayer. It's so ugly. Certainly there are moments of raw pain but when I forget that God is good or choose not to believe that, the pain is just compounded and I somehow start to feel justified in my anger as if I ever really deserved any grace in the first place. Then I just have this wall that builds and builds until finally something happens and somehow God, who I had already rejected in my anger and disbelief, in patient pursuit, calls me back to Himself and tears down my walls. Isn't God good?
Gratitude and prayer are disciplines. That is what I'm really learning. I have to discipline myself to look for the gifts God gives me and purpose to thank Him. I have to stop running around long enough to really be quiet before God. I have to find that place of rest in my soul, regardless of how chaotic my world is in that moment, I need to live every breath of my life coram Deo - before the face of God. That's the only way anything ever makes sense. I can trust a God that I have lived my life with, a God who has graciously given me everything I need for life in godliness, who has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten (that's in Joel 2:25, that whole chapter is full of such great images).
I'm asking God to give me the grace to trust Him more, to be able to open my fists and lay calm before Him, ready to be filled and ready to overflow His grace to my dear sisters in Christ- that is my desire.
I've really been thinking about all the complaining I do and what that says about my trust in God. I have realized in the last month or so that I have not trusted that God is a good God. I certainly would have told anyone who asked that I believe God is good and He is sovereign but in my deepest self, I've wondered if that is really true. I have believed He is in control and He orders all things but I've wondered if He is really good. If the heartache and ugliness of this world could possibly exist if God is really good. Even though in my head, I have known that He is good and I've known that eventually I would figure it out in my heart, it's still been a hard place. Those are not questions that are easily answered or easily examined. It frightens me to look deeply into the motives and intents of my heart. I don't like what I see, most of the time. I see so much grasping and clenching for control and power and yet I still say I want to be free and open and receive God's gifts.
I'm learning now that trust grows from moment by moment acknowledgment and gratitude for the gifts God has given me. When I thank Him for the sweet chubby fingers of my two year old pressing into my cheeks as he whispers, "Be quiet Mommy, see the dark" because in his mind, darkness means quiet, I guess. I can thank God for that moment. I can remember when he was born and the night we were so afraid he wouldn't recover and his lungs wouldn't start to work. I can remember that he is a gift from God. When I thank God for sunshine, for rain, for flowers, I see His gifts around me and I can know that He is caring for me today and that is enough. I'm seeing how He doesn't stop giving. It is gratitude that feeds trust and leads to joy and love. Ann Voskamp said this in her book but before that, a wise friend told me she learned this from reading the Psalms and watching how David lamented his afflictions but always remembered how God had provided and cared in the past and trusted He would provide again.
I want to be able to lament without complaining to God. I hate the bitter anger that is sometimes in my prayer. It's so ugly. Certainly there are moments of raw pain but when I forget that God is good or choose not to believe that, the pain is just compounded and I somehow start to feel justified in my anger as if I ever really deserved any grace in the first place. Then I just have this wall that builds and builds until finally something happens and somehow God, who I had already rejected in my anger and disbelief, in patient pursuit, calls me back to Himself and tears down my walls. Isn't God good?
Gratitude and prayer are disciplines. That is what I'm really learning. I have to discipline myself to look for the gifts God gives me and purpose to thank Him. I have to stop running around long enough to really be quiet before God. I have to find that place of rest in my soul, regardless of how chaotic my world is in that moment, I need to live every breath of my life coram Deo - before the face of God. That's the only way anything ever makes sense. I can trust a God that I have lived my life with, a God who has graciously given me everything I need for life in godliness, who has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten (that's in Joel 2:25, that whole chapter is full of such great images).
I'm asking God to give me the grace to trust Him more, to be able to open my fists and lay calm before Him, ready to be filled and ready to overflow His grace to my dear sisters in Christ- that is my desire.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The Body
Ok, first of all, I know I said I was going to start posting discussion on A Praying Life this weekend- but... I'm not. Sorry. I just haven't worked on the study guide yet. I've been reading other things but I really do like that book and want to go through it again so hopefully in the next week I will. Just in case there is anyone breathlessly waiting out there ;) Hopefully no one is that eager to hear my thoughts- that would be kinda scary.
Anyways, I have, as usual, been thinking a lot. Tonight, I went with my kids to another church to see a drama about Jesus' miracles and triumphal entry in preparation for Easter. It was a good time- it was one of those super big churches and the whole service was very polished and put-together. It made me really think about church in general. This is something I've been pondering lately anyways, I even asked my pastor the other day what the purpose of actually attending church on a Sunday morning is- ok, I can't remember what he said but it was good. There is a purpose. For me, lately, it's felt like I spend half the morning fighting with my kids and taking them to the bathroom one by one (why can't kids ever need to go potty at the same time?!) and a quarter of the time dealing with "business" type issues related to the Children's Ministries I'm sort of supposed to be leading and then a quarter of the time just sitting exhausted in the pew. So it seems like if I stayed home and read my Bible and maybe listened to the sermon, it would be better.
But then I'd miss the body. Tonight I was thinking how it was nice that there was a big praise team and band and good music but it felt strange to not know any of the people around me, to not know the story of anyone singing or leading music- it sort of distracted me because in a cynical way, I was thinking of all these polished professional looking people- Huh, I wonder what sin they are hiding, I wonder what pain they are glossing over? Because everyone has sin and everyone has pain and when I know that someone is singing "He has set me free" because they KNOW in the depths of their being that HE HAS SET ME FREE- it just touches me more. I can relate. This is not a judgment on any of those random people. Of course, I didn't expect that each one needed to tell me their whole life story in order to sing in front of me :) But it made me think how it is good to be part of a body of believers and to meet together every week and worship together. Of course, this means that I need to actually talk to people and know their hearts. I think we come closer to the heart of God when we are close to each others' hearts.
I'm certainly very guilty of saying "I'm fine" or even ridiculously "I'm great" to people when they say "How are you?" and I'm really not fine and certainly not great and more honestly I should answer "I'm broken, I'm struggling..." but I don't. I suspect there are a lot of people who do this. I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked with a friend about this who HAS shared her heart in response to that question "How are you?" and has been met with awkwardness or blank stares or even flat out rejection, at church. I think we as Christians expect that our "body" must be beautiful to please God. Really, I think the only true ugliness is the lies that we use to cover up our reality. When I look at the followers of Jesus, they were really just a mess. There were sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, all manner of maimed and broken people- but they didn't try to be beautiful before coming to Jesus. They just came. It was JESUS who made them beautiful. It's Jesus who takes the ugliness in my life and touches it and makes it into beauty. I think sometimes His touch leaves a scar behind- I think that's true in my life at least. I don't think the ugliness just disappears but I think He leaves His mark on my heart so I never forget that I have been healed. I wasn't always this way- I was so much worse. I was completely destitute and broken without Him. But then when I'm around other believers, I feel like I need to cover up the scars and need to act like I never needed Jesus. How foolish!
This is a little risky to write on a Saturday night when i'm already clearly going to be up way too late and my kids were up late and my husband can't go to church tomorrow- I'm not sure how honest I can be when people ask me how I am in the morning but I'm going to try.
Being honest doesn't always mean just spilling out all my guts, I guess. There have been times lately when I think I've really been too raw to answer in complete honesty and detail. I could have said something like "I'm in the middle of a mess but God is with me". That would have been more honest than "I'm fine". And I suppose it isn't always necessary to give tons of details but I've been trying a little "experiment" lately in honesty and just telling parts of my life story that aren't pretty if it seems like it would be helpful in a conversation with another believer and I've been really surprised by how every single time it has led to a deeper relationship and greater honesty from the person I'm talking to.
I want to learn to really openly love the Body of Christ. I love Jesus. I want to love those that He loves. I know it starts with actually knowing the hearts of the people in my life. I pray that God will give me the courage to love.
Anyways, I have, as usual, been thinking a lot. Tonight, I went with my kids to another church to see a drama about Jesus' miracles and triumphal entry in preparation for Easter. It was a good time- it was one of those super big churches and the whole service was very polished and put-together. It made me really think about church in general. This is something I've been pondering lately anyways, I even asked my pastor the other day what the purpose of actually attending church on a Sunday morning is- ok, I can't remember what he said but it was good. There is a purpose. For me, lately, it's felt like I spend half the morning fighting with my kids and taking them to the bathroom one by one (why can't kids ever need to go potty at the same time?!) and a quarter of the time dealing with "business" type issues related to the Children's Ministries I'm sort of supposed to be leading and then a quarter of the time just sitting exhausted in the pew. So it seems like if I stayed home and read my Bible and maybe listened to the sermon, it would be better.
But then I'd miss the body. Tonight I was thinking how it was nice that there was a big praise team and band and good music but it felt strange to not know any of the people around me, to not know the story of anyone singing or leading music- it sort of distracted me because in a cynical way, I was thinking of all these polished professional looking people- Huh, I wonder what sin they are hiding, I wonder what pain they are glossing over? Because everyone has sin and everyone has pain and when I know that someone is singing "He has set me free" because they KNOW in the depths of their being that HE HAS SET ME FREE- it just touches me more. I can relate. This is not a judgment on any of those random people. Of course, I didn't expect that each one needed to tell me their whole life story in order to sing in front of me :) But it made me think how it is good to be part of a body of believers and to meet together every week and worship together. Of course, this means that I need to actually talk to people and know their hearts. I think we come closer to the heart of God when we are close to each others' hearts.
I'm certainly very guilty of saying "I'm fine" or even ridiculously "I'm great" to people when they say "How are you?" and I'm really not fine and certainly not great and more honestly I should answer "I'm broken, I'm struggling..." but I don't. I suspect there are a lot of people who do this. I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked with a friend about this who HAS shared her heart in response to that question "How are you?" and has been met with awkwardness or blank stares or even flat out rejection, at church. I think we as Christians expect that our "body" must be beautiful to please God. Really, I think the only true ugliness is the lies that we use to cover up our reality. When I look at the followers of Jesus, they were really just a mess. There were sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, all manner of maimed and broken people- but they didn't try to be beautiful before coming to Jesus. They just came. It was JESUS who made them beautiful. It's Jesus who takes the ugliness in my life and touches it and makes it into beauty. I think sometimes His touch leaves a scar behind- I think that's true in my life at least. I don't think the ugliness just disappears but I think He leaves His mark on my heart so I never forget that I have been healed. I wasn't always this way- I was so much worse. I was completely destitute and broken without Him. But then when I'm around other believers, I feel like I need to cover up the scars and need to act like I never needed Jesus. How foolish!
This is a little risky to write on a Saturday night when i'm already clearly going to be up way too late and my kids were up late and my husband can't go to church tomorrow- I'm not sure how honest I can be when people ask me how I am in the morning but I'm going to try.
Being honest doesn't always mean just spilling out all my guts, I guess. There have been times lately when I think I've really been too raw to answer in complete honesty and detail. I could have said something like "I'm in the middle of a mess but God is with me". That would have been more honest than "I'm fine". And I suppose it isn't always necessary to give tons of details but I've been trying a little "experiment" lately in honesty and just telling parts of my life story that aren't pretty if it seems like it would be helpful in a conversation with another believer and I've been really surprised by how every single time it has led to a deeper relationship and greater honesty from the person I'm talking to.
I want to learn to really openly love the Body of Christ. I love Jesus. I want to love those that He loves. I know it starts with actually knowing the hearts of the people in my life. I pray that God will give me the courage to love.
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