The Body

Ok, first of all, I know I said I was going to start posting discussion on A Praying Life this weekend- but... I'm not. Sorry. I just haven't worked on the study guide yet. I've been reading other things but I really do like that book and want to go through it again so hopefully in the next week I will. Just in case there is anyone breathlessly waiting out there ;) Hopefully no one is that eager to hear my thoughts- that would be kinda scary.

Anyways, I have, as usual, been thinking a lot. Tonight, I went with my kids to another church to see a drama about Jesus' miracles and triumphal entry in preparation for Easter. It was a good time- it was one of those super big churches and the whole service was very polished and put-together. It made me really think about church in general. This is something I've been pondering lately anyways, I even asked my pastor the other day what the purpose of actually attending church on a Sunday morning is- ok, I can't remember what he said but it was good. There is a purpose. For me, lately, it's felt like I spend half the morning fighting with my kids and taking them to the bathroom one by one (why can't kids ever need to go potty at the same time?!) and a quarter of the time dealing with "business" type issues related to the Children's Ministries I'm sort of supposed to be leading and then a quarter of the time just sitting exhausted in the pew. So it seems like if I stayed home and read my Bible and maybe listened to the sermon, it would be better.

But then I'd miss the body. Tonight I was thinking how it was nice that there was a big praise team and band and good music but it felt strange to not know any of the people around me, to not know the story of anyone singing or leading music- it sort of distracted me because in a cynical way, I was thinking of all these polished professional looking people- Huh, I wonder what sin they are hiding, I wonder what pain they are glossing over? Because everyone has sin and everyone has pain and when I know that someone is singing "He has set me free" because they KNOW in the depths of their being that HE HAS SET ME FREE- it just touches me more. I can relate. This is not a judgment on any of those random people. Of course, I didn't expect that each one needed to tell me their whole life story in order to sing in front of me :) But it made me think how it is good to be part of a body of believers and to meet together every week and worship together. Of course, this means that I need to actually talk to people and know their hearts. I think we come closer to the heart of God when we are close to each others' hearts.

I'm certainly very guilty of saying "I'm fine" or even ridiculously "I'm great" to people when they say "How are you?" and I'm really not fine and certainly not great and more honestly I should answer "I'm broken, I'm struggling..." but I don't. I suspect there are a lot of people who do this. I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked with a friend about this who HAS shared her heart in response to that question "How are you?" and has been met with awkwardness or blank stares or even flat out rejection, at church. I think we as Christians expect that our "body" must be beautiful to please God. Really, I think the only true ugliness is the lies that we use to cover up our reality. When I look at the followers of Jesus, they were really just a mess. There were sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, all manner of maimed and broken people- but they didn't try to be beautiful before coming to Jesus. They just came. It was JESUS who made them beautiful. It's Jesus who takes the ugliness in my life and touches it and makes it into beauty. I think sometimes His touch leaves a scar behind- I think that's true in my life at least. I don't think the ugliness just disappears but I think He leaves His mark on my heart so I never forget that I have been healed. I wasn't always this way- I was so much worse. I was completely destitute and broken without Him. But then when I'm around other believers, I feel like I need to cover up the scars and need to act like I never needed Jesus. How foolish!

This is a little risky to write on a Saturday night when i'm already clearly going to be up way too late and my kids were up late and my husband can't go to church tomorrow- I'm not sure how honest I can be when people ask me how I am in the morning but I'm going to try.

Being honest doesn't always mean just spilling out all my guts, I guess. There have been times lately when I think I've really been too raw to answer in complete honesty and detail. I could have said something like "I'm in the middle of a mess but God is with me". That would have been more honest than "I'm fine". And I suppose it isn't always necessary to give tons of details but I've been trying a little "experiment" lately in honesty and just telling parts of my life story that aren't pretty if it seems like it would be helpful in a conversation with another believer and I've been really surprised by how every single time it has led to a deeper relationship and greater honesty from the person I'm talking to.

I want to learn to really openly love the Body of Christ. I love Jesus. I want to love those that He loves. I know it starts with actually knowing the hearts of the people in my life. I pray that God will give me the courage to love.