Today

So, today hasn't been a super impressive day for me so far. I was frustrated and to be honest, angry at my kids way too much this morning. They were just constantly picking at each other and fighting with me and it felt like every word was a piercing needle in my sore heart and achy head. So I chose to be angry and depressed and somewhat in despair for at least 2 hours. I griped and complained (not lamented) and generally pouted. Really. It wasn't pretty.

The thing about throwing a fit is that eventually, you really just have to stop and go on with the day and do the dishes and fold the laundry and drive kids around and wipe noses and bottoms and all the other things that make up my day. My husband, in his wisdom, chose to deal with my fit by reading his Bible which was the right choice on his part but annoyed me because it reminded me that eventually I would have to turn my heart towards God which would require apology and softening and admitting my ugly faults.

Obviously, I did eventually do all that or I wouldn't be writing this :). I read in Psalm 50 how God wants our thanks offerings. I thought about how unthankful I had been. I was annoyed because of my children's ingratitude when really, mine is so much more pronounced. I know better. I know that I have been given so much and yet I choose anger and choose unkind words and ridiculous self-pity leading into self-condemnation. All of which brings me away from God and into myself. I feel physically clenched and tight and a stark refusal to open my eyes, my heart, my fists and receive from God.

So what I finally realized, after reading a little Psalms, drinking some tea and eating some chocolate cake (b/c doesn't chocolate cake just help sometimes?!) was that I really do have a choice and just because I want to say that circumstances cause me to be upset or angry or I want to believe that life is too hard or too unfair, that isn't the truth.

After believing a lot of lies for a lot of years, I feel like I'm groping in the dark to find TRUTH. But I desperately want the truth. And the truth is that God is good. In every moment. Even when I feel like everyone around me is angry and hostile and demanding way too much of me. God is good. His desire is for me. Isn't that just crazy? When I'm so ugly and unkind, God is still pursuing me. I know that when I put down my fists, He's there accepting me and ready to move on and continue His work.

How can I keep on living like this?

I forget to be thankful. I forget every minute that God has ALREADY given me everything I need for life in Him. I'm going to start making a list just as the author of One Thousand Gifts started her journey. I need to actually physically write down what God has done for me so I don't forget anymore.

SO- that's my day. I have a lot more hours, at least 5 hours with my kids, some of them way too late and easily given to crankiness. May God continue to be merciful to me....