Emptiness

This morning, I'm thinking about how being a mother and a woman means a continual life giving emptying of self. The very act of giving birth is a violent emptying. The only way that any life can come from me is if I open up and let myself be emptied. It's like a seed that starts its life cold and dry and lifeless- in the darkness, under the surface, life starts to happen. The skin splits open, the new fragile life comes forth. But the seed is no longer. What was once a seed is now something so much better and bigger. I can only live if I let go of the seed, if I quit thinking that the goal of life is to preserve a seed intact. No life comes from that. Even the pain of skin bursting open and wrenching violent growth is necessary to life.
This isn't an easy thought. I think I've spent most of my days avoiding the pain of life and holding tight clenched fists so that nothing is taken from me. Of course, that hasn't really worked since nothing in life is really under my control. I couldn't force life into my first sweet baby no matter how hard I tried. I was emptied without a choice. But the babies I do have here, I hold onto so tightly sometimes in my heart.... I don't know if that is always good. 
I know that being surrendered will bring joy but sometimes it's a joy that hurts. Tears of joy are still tears-

These are the things I'm thinking about as I get started with my day. It seems so odd to have all these thoughts of seeds and life in my mind as I get up to make pancakes and do dishes and laundry and teach- It feels sometimes like I'm two people- the mom who has things under control and manages every aspect of these four little people's lives and the real me who has nothing under control and can't really even manage my own life. Don't tell my kids though :)