The Treasure

Jeremiah 9:23-24 says "Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” 

I read those verses recently while on a little trip with my husband in Florida. I was sitting on a balcony, watching the ocean, feeling peaceful, casually reading along when it seemed like a spotlight shone right on those 2 verses. I stopped, read them again, and again, and again and to be honest, I haven't stopped thinking about them yet. It's been about 2 weeks.... The part that most intrigues me is how the Lord says that he who boasts can boast in the fact that he understands and KNOWS God. It is possible to understand and know God. My heart beats with that passion- to know God, to fall deeper and deeper into His steadfast love, justice, and righteousness, to understand His delight in all of His creation, His hope for the future, His sorrow for the brokenness of the present. I want to know Him and in these verses I see the promise that my desire is not just a dream. I can know God. 

Recently I also spent quite a bit of time pondering the verses in Philippians 3 that talk about Pauls "one thing". His one desire was to press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. When I look back through the book of Philippians, Paul talks on about how he counts everything as loss in order that he might gain Christ and be found in Him and then in 3:10, he says "That I may KNOW Him and the power of His resurrection". Paul's life was to know God. It's not that he didn't love those he was serving and teaching, it's not that he didn't work hard at anything his hand found to do, but underneath it all, his ONE THING was to know God and the power of His resurrection. The love and service and teaching naturally flowed from his heart because he understood the heart of God. When you know God, how can you not overflow with Him? God cannot be contained in my humanness- that's like saying the ocean could be contained in a coffee cup. When I make knowing God my sole desire and chief purpose in all that I do, everything He is floods over my weak human self. I can love because He is love, I can be brave because He is always in me, I can be strong because His strength gives me power, I can be wise because He is the author of all wisdom. It's always Him. Always. 

While I've been contemplating this, I can't help but think of the story Jesus told in Matthew 13:44. He said "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy, he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." 

The more these words of God have steeped into my soul, the more I am bubbling over with joy at the thought that I can possess this incredible treasure- this precious gift- of knowing God. I would joyfully give all I have, all I could ever be, to know Him more. I don't mean to make light of the gifts He has given me in my life but compared to Him, they really just don't matter. It's not the gifts I want, it's the Giver. I know that all He has given me demonstrates His precious, never ending, amazing love that He has for me. But it's always about Him, never about the gift. He is priceless to me. 

Of course, it's easy to rest in this joy right now- it's late at night, my kids are sweetly sleeping, my puppy is snuggled next to me (he's a snuggly little guy), my house is quiet, the dishwasher is running, life is good. I know in too few hours, I will be awake, feeling groggy from this late night, trying to hear through the chaos, and desperate for a word from God. So in those moments, how does knowing God change me? 

I'm not sure if I can explain but I know it has to do with making Christ my treasure. When I look at all the ugliness that can happen in a moment, the kids screaming, the misunderstandings, the endless laundry, it's like the treasure of Christ and His love for us all is buried under too many rocks and clods of mud. I can't see it or feel it or even really know for sure if it's there. But, if I can stop a minute, think of what is buried there, breathe... I can see that all these hurts and heartaches, while they do matter, they don't matter as much to me as actually seeing Jesus in that moment. Can I look at my fighting girls, screaming ugly words at each other, and somehow know Jesus more? Can I see His face as He dies to save us from the twisted bitterness of selfishness? Can I help my girls to know that the way of the cross is always better?

When I look at my pile of dishes and think of how I have a million things to do in the next 2 hours and no time for what I really want to do or what I really know is important, can I know God better even then? Can I trust His steadfast love? Can I calm down, can I really believe that there is no emergency with God, that He always knows and always has a plan? Can I let go of my control and rest in His and joyfully proceed with the work ahead of me? 

When I do stop and look at Jesus and try to find something new to understand about Him in every moment, it feels like I'm giving all I have to buy a field that I KNOW has a treasure beyond compare. I would willingly sacrifice all of my need to be in charge, my need to be right, my need to feel loved and respected, if I could only know Jesus and know the power of His resurrection coursing through me and making all the dead places alive in my heart. 

He is the treasure. Not just knowledge about Him, not just words written on a page that tell me something new, but Him. His loving, amazing, surprising, awesome Self. I really don't think it would ever be possible to be so enthralled with a mere man- only Jesus could ever captivate my entire being in this way. He is my pearl of great price, my precious coin, my hidden treasure. 

Enough

Over and over lately, God has been showing me that He is all that matters and He is enough. Jesus is enough has been the theme of every day lately, the last thought in my head before I sleep, the first thought when I wake up, the constant beat of my life every crazy minute. "Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough"
Lately, when I feel sad or discouraged or overwhelmed, emotions that tend to follow me wherever I go, I ask myself "Is Jesus really enough for this? Can He really satisfy the aching emptiness I sometimes feel?" The answer is always a resounding "Yes".

 I can say I've tested Him- I've tried in the quiet lonely hours in the evenings when the kids are sleeping, the laundry is overflowing, the mirrors are toothpaste-spattered, the books are falling off the shelves, I've tried to say that He is not going to be able to meet me. I've turned on the TV, I've eaten some ice cream, but every time I've gone down that road, I know I'm just using an anesthetic to dull the ache rather than the scalpel of God's word to cut out the flesh infected with discontent and pride... every time. When I choose to lean into the ache and trust that Jesus is enough, the words He has told me over and over and over and over, and I open His word and I ask Him to show me what I'm not seeing, man, every single time, He meets me. He has never left me alone. Never once.

Sometimes I don't want the answer He gives. Sometimes I want to say "No, this is not the way I want it to be!" and stomp my foot and pout like the 2 year old I sometimes am. But then.... His sweet gentle quiet voice reminds me of the truth that "I, I am He who comforts you" (Isaiah 51:12) and "I am the God who pleads the cause of His people" (Isaiah 51:22). He is a Rock. He is the One that I can fully rest all of my anxiety and fear and loneliness and know that I am loved. I am cherished. I matter.

When I stop pouting and crying and begging for my own way, I say with Paul that forgetting all that is behind, all I want is to strain forward for the prize of knowing my Jesus more. He is all that matters. And I will never ever run out of Him. There will never be a time that I have learned all there is to know and I'm bored. The restlessness in my soul finds its home in the deep never ending love of the person of Jesus. When my eyes finally look away from myself and all the things I think will satisfy and turn to my Jesus, I can't tear my gaze from Him. He is everything. 

So it's been so long since I've written anything, i almost thought i should start a new blog because I feel like I failed at this one. But... I'm tired and that seems like a lot of work and tonight, I can't seem to get anything done because I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head so I'm going to write them down here. I also was thinking I should start a new blog because I feel awkward saying what I think knowing that some people read it. But I suppose if I don't want anyone to read it, I should write in my own private journal and not actually share it. The thing is, though, I actually do want to share. I just feel awkward thinking that other people actually would want to read it. So- if you've read this far, and feel like this is enough rambling, feel free to stop and don't feel forced to read on. :) Ok. Now that I have all that out of my system...

So today was my grandpa's funeral. I can't even really comprehend that. I know with all that is in me that he is with Jesus now. I was sort of telling Jesus earlier that I wish I could just see him for a second, just to KNOW that he is ok and happy and all of that and Jesus reminded me that I walk by faith, and not by sight. So I have to choose faith. And I do know he is so good right now.


I've actually wanted to write about him for at least a year now and for some reason, I just haven't. It felt too personal for my blog that I have such an awkward relationship with :) Anyways, I sort of wish I had shared some of this while he was still alive but I did tell it all to him and that is what really mattered.

I can honestly say that I have absolutely no negative memories of him. I know there is no one in my life who could say that about me... and I'm sure there are people in his life who were hurt by him or offended or something at some point or another, I know he was just a man. But for me, he really was such a larger than life hero. When i was a kid, he was just so big. Everything about him was big and safe and fun. He had huge strong hands that engulfed mine, he hugged big, he laughed big. He was just big. I loved him. A friend of mine was reminding me the other day of a time when we were his guests at an Awana camp and we felt so important because we came with him and it made me think- I always felt important to him. He had 25 grandkids, so it's not like I was the only one or anything, but when I was with him, I always felt like I mattered to him. Like who I was was important in his world. That's huge for a kid. Again- I'm not sure any kids in my life could say that about me right now. I hope that changes.

When I was older, I really liked Russian history and Russian language and so I loved to talk to him about that because he really cared about that too. I really loved to sit at his table and just talk and listen. It always felt like the world was in order, like everything was ok and God was in control and I didn't need to worry. That was such a good feeling.

Honestly, the only thing I ever regretted with him was that I was impatient with him at my wedding. He was performing the ceremony and he sometimes tended to talk on and on and I know in my heart, I was rude and impatient. I'm embarrassed to say that. It shows how immature and self-centered I was. I talked to him about that a couple years ago though and apologized for my immaturity. So I don't really regret that anymore.

As much as I really have just loved him all my life, in the last couple years, that love that was perhaps more focused on how he made me feel important and loved and safe and all of that has changed to a genuine love for him and for who he was and who he has been just in these last couple years. I don't remember when he stopped being able to talk- I remember when he could hardly talk and he would always go to such effort to say "I can't talk very well any more" and I felt so bad he used up his talking energy saying that. One of the last things I remember him saying was "Amen" I was reading Ephesians 3 to him and when I finished with the prayer at the beginning of Ephesians 3 and said "Amen", he echoed it. I really don't know if I ever heard him say another word.

The relationship I've had with him in the last few years is probably kind of odd. It sometimes feels a little like an imaginary friend to me- just because I talked to him a lot and told him what I was learning and what was happening in my life but he never said anything back. He just held my hand and squeezed it tight. I don't know what he was thinking or even really what he heard but I've had such sweet times sitting with him. In my chaotic and loud life, sitting with him was such a welcome refuge.

So many times, I wanted to just tell every person in the hall near him, every CNA who took care of him, every nurse who came in, "Do you know who this is?! This is not just another old person who can't talk. This is my grandpa!"

I've worked in nursing homes. I know how easy it can be to forget that everyone is someone's father, someone's mother, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa... I hated knowing that my grandpa was probably treated just like another body to wash and medicate and clothe and his real self was ignored. I hated that I couldn't do anything to stop that.

I am so glad he is with his Jesus now. I can't fathom how much I will miss him, how much the world is a lesser place without him.

I've been thinking a ton lately about how who I am all comes down to which voices in my life I choose to believe. Do I believe all the voices, real and imaginary, that have told me I'm worthless, dumb, insignificant, a failure... or do I believe the real voices that have told me i am loved, important, valuable?

And I'm realizing, the way that I know Jesus is by how I see Him in the lives of those who have loved me. My grandpa has shown me who Jesus is. I am so grateful.

Glory

The word "glory" has been resonating in my mind the last day or so. I didn't notice until yesterday though that God was actually telling me to pay attention. I was reading to my girls about the Incans, that's what we're learning about right now, and I was reading how they believed their king was "god" and that everything they did and everything about their life was to bring glory to their god. We talked, my girls and I, about how we are supposed to live the same way, the Bible tells us to do everything to the glory of God. The true God. It's heartbreakingly sad to read about the Incans, or as we were previously reading, about the Aztecs who were so deceived. THe Aztecs believed it was an honor to spill their blood to feed their god. They sacrificed over 50,000 people a year... isn't that just astounding? But they did it because they mistakenly believed that was the way to bring glory to their god.

So then at church yesterday morning, at the weekly prayer time, we were praying that God's glory would be seen in our lives and in our church. That's when I started to pay attention and really think through what that means. And just now, in the course of my daily reading, I read in 1 Corinthians where it says "Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God'.

So what does this mean? Obviously our God, the only real God, does not ask us to spill our own blood to bring Him glory. But He does tell us to be a living sacrifice. Am I? Um. No. I was so convicted yesterday as I was praying for God's glory to be seen that I am certainly a big hindrance to the glory of God being seen by my children. Really. I get so whiney and grumpy and mean when I'm tired and I start to think that my schedules or my life is what needs to be glorified. If I want to live my life in such a way that only the glory of God is seen, then right now, I need a big change. I'm asking God to let every word of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in His sight. That's a big thing to ask. I want to start looking at every single moment of my life as an opportunity to bring glory and praise and distinction to my God. So when I'm doing endless dishes, I can complain in my heart and be whiney about it, I can just not think anything and go through life not really engaged, just performing tasks. OR I can pray for those who used the dishes, I can have a cheerful spirit, I can teach my kids that it really is possible to give thanks in all things. I can stop trying to glorify myself and start humbling myself and seeing myself in the true Light.

Christ is all. There is nothing else. When all of my own false ambitions and desires are stripped away, all I really want is to know the only true God and adore Him. Will my life reflect that today?

Light

I haven't written here for a long time- mostly because I've just had so much to think about, not because I haven't been thinking at all :)
I've been reading and living in the Psalms lately, trying to really grasp how the psalmists poured out all their emotion to God. I read something yesterday in The God Who Is There by D.A. Carson that said that many times, older people who have experienced life, resonate so much more with the Psalms than younger people who haven't known sorrows and troubles. I dont' know that I'm really older but I think I  often feel life deeply and I resonate with everything I read. I've been thinking mostly about Psalm 36:9 which says "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light'. That has just stuck in my mind. I keep thinking about how the only true light is God's light. It is in what He has revealed about Himself that I can truly know light and truth. And all life comes from Him, not in a trickle but in a fountain. The verse before that one says "You give them drink from your river of delights".
Do I know that river? Have I drunk from it? I don't know if I have... there are fleeting moments in my life when I feel like I've dipped a toe in God's river of delight. I want to hang on to those moments and know more of them. Most of the time, I think I dirty up God's delights with the muddy ugliness of my own selfishness and pride.

Right now, I'm looking at this bug-eaten droopy sunflower we rescued from our garden. It was blown down a couple days ago. It looked dead but we put it in water and it has perked up so much. Ok, so half the petals are missing but somehow, it still feels like a gift. God has given so much. There is so much I can delight in and find life in. One thing i know though- it only comes from God. The more I look inward, the more I try to find light in my own heart apart from God, the darker and uglier and gloomier my life becomes. It truly is only in His light that we see light.

Manna

I've been reading in Exodus lately. I'm trying to really ponder every passage- rather than just reading the words and thinking "Huh, that's nice". I'm thinking about this massive group of people who had never really heard from God- they maybe heard OF God but didn't hear from Him. And then suddenly, miraculously, God rescues them. Just takes them away from the captivity they have known. I think I've mentioned on here that I spent quite a long time thinking about why He waited so long to rescue them- why He let so many die without being rescued but I've concluded that I am NOT God. Big surprise right? ;) And I'm ok with saying that God is God, I don't understand His ways but I do trust that His ways are best.

So then I was reading about how the Israelites got hungry so naturally, they started remembering how "good" they had it in Egypt and how they just sat around eating meat all the time. I've done that a lot- God rescues me from some pattern of sin, some bad situation, and as soon as I feel slightly uncomfortable and scared, I think I was so much better off before God bothered me. Isn't that awful? What a sinful way for me to think. But then God in His incredible kindness always forgives, restores, AND provides. That's what the manna is. God's amazing kindness.

I'm in a season of deliverance right now and it's not super easy at times. There are long held patterns of sin and disbelief in my heart that I believe God is rooting out. It doesn't always feel great and some mornings, I think, life was a lot easier before I started thinking about all this, it was a lot easier when I could get out of bed and plan my day and execute the plan however I wanted. But then I remember that each day God will provide for me in a totally unexpected way. He will send me manna to sustain me if I look for it and gather it. Notice He didn't just fill the Israelites bellies, they still had to trust that what God provided was good and what they needed and then they had to get up and get their baskets and fill them with manna. If I just get out of bed and start my day and don't look for God's provision, it's foolish for me to think that I will be able to claim God's grace in my daily, minute by minute struggles.

This morning, there has been the usual kid-craziness. Kids fighting, wrestling, whining, not leaving me alone ever, not obeying. It's enough to make me feel like screaming that life was better when I wasn't trying to obey God. But I read in Exodus this morning how God provides and how His plan is good. And I read in Psalm 103 which I am currently memorizing that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. So am I going to choose to trust that, to believe that God is able to crown me with love and compassion, that His love and compassion is able to flow through me onto these children who need to see His love alive in me? Or will I choose to not take in the manna God so kindly provided me this morning? It's all a choice- I can take in, chew and digest His goodness or I can choose to leave it on the ground.

A Praying Life- chapters 1 and 2

Ok, I am finally going to start this discussion that I've wanted to have for a couple months now. I don't know if any friends out there did actually get this book but I guess if you didn't, you can still just listen in :) I would recommend getting it though and reading it and applying the truth found in it.

I have the discussion guide and I'm going to post some questions from the book with my answers and then if you want to post your own responses, feel free and we can just encourage each other in the Lord as we grow in a deeper relationship with Him.

Chapter 1
Paul writes of quiet cynicism, spiritual weariness and doubts that grow in us. Which of these do you relate most easily to? How do you see that?
In my life, I tend to get very weary. I feel like many times I've prayed for the same thing over and over and I don't see the answers and I just feel tired. I guess that falls under the category of cynicism too- wondering if my prayer really does matter

Why is it easier on our faith NOT to pray?
I think if I don't actually ever pray for anything, there is never the chance that I will be let down, that I will have to deal with a prayer that appears to be unanswered. 

 What is it about American culture that makes it particularly difficult for you to pray?
I think the lack of quiet and stillness. I feel like I need to be actually physically doing something all the time, because there is always more to do and I have to discipline myself to actually be quiet and sit before God.

I left out a couple questions but those were the main ones in chapter 1 that made me think through my current view of prayer- it's definitely changing but I think it was a good exercise for me to really admit the areas that I struggle in and my frequent weariness.

Chapter 2  
How is prayer like having a good meal with friends?
Ideally, prayer should be a time of laughing, enjoying the company of a Friend, listening, relating the days experiences.... is it always for me? Um... no.

According to Revelations 3:20, what kind of relationship does God want with us? What does this tell us about what Jesus is like?
This really makes me think- here it says that Jesus wants to come in and eat with me if I just open the door. I think of the good times I've had with friends around my table and I want to feel that way when I talk to Jesus, you know? And the fact that He wants that with me sort of blows my mind.

Describe the differences between an isolated prayer life and a prayer-intertwined life.
An isolated prayer life is one where the moments in prayer are restricted to singular moments of the day, rather then every moment being a moment in which I am living before the face of God, in conversation with my Father. An intertwined life is one in which my prayers affect my moments and my moments affect my prayers- where every second of my life is submitted to the will of God and where I can freely discuss those moments with God, knowing that He cares deeply for the needs in my heart at any given moment. An isolated prayer life is a lonely hard life. I can't really imagine it, not talking to God as my day unfolds- so much changes from the moments when I first pray, before I open my eyes, to the moments as I drift to sleep. I wouldn't want to do all that alone. Prayer is a gift..

How is prayer a window into God's story for you?
I like to think about this- how all of my life is a drama that is unfolding, and the unanswered prayers create the tension and conflict that every good story needs- it makes me want to keep reading to see how it all works out. It's easier when I'm not actually living in the middle of it but it helps to think that this is not the end of the story....

How does prayer give birth to hope?
I'm just going to quote from the book here, because he says it so well and it makes sense to me- As we learn to pray well, we'll discover that this is my Father's world. Because my Father controls everything, I can ask, and he will listen and act. Since I am His child, change is possible and hope is born.     Isn't that a blessed thought?!

How does a praying life affect a busy life?
This is my favorite question/thought here I think- I've thought about this a lot because sometimes my life is out of control busy with people and places and jobs.. So again, I'm going to quote the book If we love people and have the power to help, we are going to be busy. Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; it offers us a less busy heart. In the midst of outer busyness we can develop an inner quiet. Because we are less hectic on the inside, we have a capacity to love... and thus to be busy, which in turn drives us even more into a life of prayer.
I can totally attest to this truth. I have been really busy lots of times in my life, well, really, all the time, but the times when I am living in prayer and trusting God each minute are so peaceful and fulfilling. The times when I somehow forget that I need God are chaotic and ugly and cause me to become selfish and demanding of my own time. I can't love people without first loving and deeply knowing God. Once I do open my life to a real relationship with God, my days do tend to fill up but I don't resent that time at all because each moment is another part of the story that God is writing in my life and in the lives of those that my life touches. Does that make sense?

Ok, well, that's all for chapters 1 and 2. I would LOVE to hear some other thoughts! I have read this book but my life/heart is in a different place today than it was a few months ago so I am looking forward to reading through it again and really pondering it in depth. Sorry it took me so long to post this. I am really going to try to do at least one chapter a week!

 

Today

So, today hasn't been a super impressive day for me so far. I was frustrated and to be honest, angry at my kids way too much this morning. They were just constantly picking at each other and fighting with me and it felt like every word was a piercing needle in my sore heart and achy head. So I chose to be angry and depressed and somewhat in despair for at least 2 hours. I griped and complained (not lamented) and generally pouted. Really. It wasn't pretty.

The thing about throwing a fit is that eventually, you really just have to stop and go on with the day and do the dishes and fold the laundry and drive kids around and wipe noses and bottoms and all the other things that make up my day. My husband, in his wisdom, chose to deal with my fit by reading his Bible which was the right choice on his part but annoyed me because it reminded me that eventually I would have to turn my heart towards God which would require apology and softening and admitting my ugly faults.

Obviously, I did eventually do all that or I wouldn't be writing this :). I read in Psalm 50 how God wants our thanks offerings. I thought about how unthankful I had been. I was annoyed because of my children's ingratitude when really, mine is so much more pronounced. I know better. I know that I have been given so much and yet I choose anger and choose unkind words and ridiculous self-pity leading into self-condemnation. All of which brings me away from God and into myself. I feel physically clenched and tight and a stark refusal to open my eyes, my heart, my fists and receive from God.

So what I finally realized, after reading a little Psalms, drinking some tea and eating some chocolate cake (b/c doesn't chocolate cake just help sometimes?!) was that I really do have a choice and just because I want to say that circumstances cause me to be upset or angry or I want to believe that life is too hard or too unfair, that isn't the truth.

After believing a lot of lies for a lot of years, I feel like I'm groping in the dark to find TRUTH. But I desperately want the truth. And the truth is that God is good. In every moment. Even when I feel like everyone around me is angry and hostile and demanding way too much of me. God is good. His desire is for me. Isn't that just crazy? When I'm so ugly and unkind, God is still pursuing me. I know that when I put down my fists, He's there accepting me and ready to move on and continue His work.

How can I keep on living like this?

I forget to be thankful. I forget every minute that God has ALREADY given me everything I need for life in Him. I'm going to start making a list just as the author of One Thousand Gifts started her journey. I need to actually physically write down what God has done for me so I don't forget anymore.

SO- that's my day. I have a lot more hours, at least 5 hours with my kids, some of them way too late and easily given to crankiness. May God continue to be merciful to me....

Trust

I read this statement yesterday in my current book One Thousand Gifts- you really should just read the book. It is really fitting my life right now- I feel like it was written just for me :) Anyways, here's the statement that I've been pondering- "Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart."

I've really been thinking about all the complaining I do and what that says about my trust in God. I have realized in the last month or so that I have not trusted that God is a good God. I certainly would have told anyone who asked that I believe God is good and He is sovereign but in my deepest self, I've wondered if that is really true. I have believed He is in control and He orders all things but I've wondered if He is really good. If the heartache and ugliness of this world could possibly exist if God is really good. Even though in my head, I have known that He is good and I've known that eventually I would figure it out in my heart, it's still been a hard place. Those are not questions that are easily answered or easily examined. It frightens me to look deeply into the motives and intents of my heart. I don't like what I see, most of the time. I see so much grasping and clenching for control and power and yet I still say I want to be free and open and receive God's gifts.

I'm learning now that trust grows from moment by moment acknowledgment and gratitude for the gifts God has given me. When I thank Him for the sweet chubby fingers of my two year old pressing into my cheeks as  he whispers, "Be quiet Mommy, see the dark" because in his mind, darkness means quiet, I guess. I can thank God for that moment. I can remember when he was born and the night we were so afraid he wouldn't recover and his lungs wouldn't start to work. I can remember that he is a gift from God. When I thank God for sunshine, for rain, for flowers, I see His gifts around me and I can know that He is caring for me today and that is enough. I'm seeing how He doesn't stop giving. It is gratitude that feeds trust and leads to joy and love. Ann Voskamp said this in her book but before that, a wise friend told me she learned this from reading the Psalms and watching how David lamented his afflictions but always remembered how God had provided and cared in the past and trusted He would provide again.

I want to be able to lament without complaining to God. I hate the bitter anger that is sometimes in my prayer. It's so ugly. Certainly there are moments of raw pain but when I forget that God is good or choose not to believe that, the pain is just compounded and I somehow start to feel justified in my anger as if I ever really deserved any grace in the first place. Then I just have this wall that builds and builds until finally something happens and somehow God, who I had already rejected in my anger and disbelief, in patient pursuit, calls me back to Himself and tears down my walls. Isn't God good?

Gratitude and prayer are disciplines. That is what I'm really learning. I have to discipline myself to look for the gifts God gives me and purpose to thank Him. I have to stop running around long enough to really be quiet before God. I have to find that place of rest in my soul, regardless of how chaotic my world is in that moment, I need to live every breath of my life coram Deo - before the face of God. That's the only way anything ever makes sense. I can trust a God that I have lived my life with, a God who has graciously given me everything I need for life in godliness, who has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten (that's in Joel 2:25, that whole chapter is full of such great images).

I'm asking God to give me the grace to trust Him more, to be able to open my fists and lay calm before Him, ready to be filled and ready to overflow His grace to my dear sisters in Christ- that is my desire. 

The Body

Ok, first of all, I know I said I was going to start posting discussion on A Praying Life this weekend- but... I'm not. Sorry. I just haven't worked on the study guide yet. I've been reading other things but I really do like that book and want to go through it again so hopefully in the next week I will. Just in case there is anyone breathlessly waiting out there ;) Hopefully no one is that eager to hear my thoughts- that would be kinda scary.

Anyways, I have, as usual, been thinking a lot. Tonight, I went with my kids to another church to see a drama about Jesus' miracles and triumphal entry in preparation for Easter. It was a good time- it was one of those super big churches and the whole service was very polished and put-together. It made me really think about church in general. This is something I've been pondering lately anyways, I even asked my pastor the other day what the purpose of actually attending church on a Sunday morning is- ok, I can't remember what he said but it was good. There is a purpose. For me, lately, it's felt like I spend half the morning fighting with my kids and taking them to the bathroom one by one (why can't kids ever need to go potty at the same time?!) and a quarter of the time dealing with "business" type issues related to the Children's Ministries I'm sort of supposed to be leading and then a quarter of the time just sitting exhausted in the pew. So it seems like if I stayed home and read my Bible and maybe listened to the sermon, it would be better.

But then I'd miss the body. Tonight I was thinking how it was nice that there was a big praise team and band and good music but it felt strange to not know any of the people around me, to not know the story of anyone singing or leading music- it sort of distracted me because in a cynical way, I was thinking of all these polished professional looking people- Huh, I wonder what sin they are hiding, I wonder what pain they are glossing over? Because everyone has sin and everyone has pain and when I know that someone is singing "He has set me free" because they KNOW in the depths of their being that HE HAS SET ME FREE- it just touches me more. I can relate. This is not a judgment on any of those random people. Of course, I didn't expect that each one needed to tell me their whole life story in order to sing in front of me :) But it made me think how it is good to be part of a body of believers and to meet together every week and worship together. Of course, this means that I need to actually talk to people and know their hearts. I think we come closer to the heart of God when we are close to each others' hearts.

I'm certainly very guilty of saying "I'm fine" or even ridiculously "I'm great" to people when they say "How are you?" and I'm really not fine and certainly not great and more honestly I should answer "I'm broken, I'm struggling..." but I don't. I suspect there are a lot of people who do this. I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked with a friend about this who HAS shared her heart in response to that question "How are you?" and has been met with awkwardness or blank stares or even flat out rejection, at church. I think we as Christians expect that our "body" must be beautiful to please God. Really, I think the only true ugliness is the lies that we use to cover up our reality. When I look at the followers of Jesus, they were really just a mess. There were sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, all manner of maimed and broken people- but they didn't try to be beautiful before coming to Jesus. They just came. It was JESUS who made them beautiful. It's Jesus who takes the ugliness in my life and touches it and makes it into beauty. I think sometimes His touch leaves a scar behind- I think that's true in my life at least. I don't think the ugliness just disappears but I think He leaves His mark on my heart so I never forget that I have been healed. I wasn't always this way- I was so much worse. I was completely destitute and broken without Him. But then when I'm around other believers, I feel like I need to cover up the scars and need to act like I never needed Jesus. How foolish!

This is a little risky to write on a Saturday night when i'm already clearly going to be up way too late and my kids were up late and my husband can't go to church tomorrow- I'm not sure how honest I can be when people ask me how I am in the morning but I'm going to try.

Being honest doesn't always mean just spilling out all my guts, I guess. There have been times lately when I think I've really been too raw to answer in complete honesty and detail. I could have said something like "I'm in the middle of a mess but God is with me". That would have been more honest than "I'm fine". And I suppose it isn't always necessary to give tons of details but I've been trying a little "experiment" lately in honesty and just telling parts of my life story that aren't pretty if it seems like it would be helpful in a conversation with another believer and I've been really surprised by how every single time it has led to a deeper relationship and greater honesty from the person I'm talking to.

I want to learn to really openly love the Body of Christ. I love Jesus. I want to love those that He loves. I know it starts with actually knowing the hearts of the people in my life. I pray that God will give me the courage to love.

Right now I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's a really good book. I would recommend it to anyone who really wants to understand what it means to live a life full of joy and grace. I like it because it's so real. I relate so well. Just now, I was reading about giving thanks in the really hard moments, when a child dies, when a cancer is diagnosed, when confronted with the brokenness and pain of this world.

This is something I've been thinking so much about anyways and I was interested to see what she would say- if she would say, you just need to grateful for what you have and suck it up and accept. She didn't say that. I'm glad for that. But what she did talk about was how every day is a grace, every new day is a reason to wonder that we were given another day but even knowing that, she said that she still wants to say No- it's not enough, It's not enough that we get one more day, why can't we have an endless string of days and graces?? I just so appreciate that she said that because I've said that before too. But isn't that just selfish demanding ingratitude? She said "When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gifts?"

Yes. It is all a gift. Even the brokenness and ugliness. Somehow, I know that Jesus came to transform the dark ugly places and make them growing beauty. Somehow. I think I need to accept that this is a mystery. And be grateful.

Freedom

This morning, I was reading in Psalm 119 while I sipped my coffee and watched my little boy zoom his trucks over the rug. I had to keep saying "Shh, don't wake up the girls" because I'm always hoping for a little more peace... but anyways, while I was reading, in between Shhing, I just stayed for a while on verse 32. It says, "I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free". Isn't that beautiful? I'm not just stumbling through His path, I can run free only because HE has set my heart free. That whole little section of Psalm 119 is so precious- it says in verse 30- "I have chosen the way of truth, I have set my heart on your laws."

I so much want that to be true of me. I want to be able to say that I have chosen His truth over my lies and the lies of the Accuser. When I hear the harsh whisper or violent shout of accusation that I am NOT good enough and I have no right to come to a HOLY God with my petty problems, I can say NO, I have chosen His truth. His truth that says that I am precious in His sight, I am beloved. The earth is filled with His love (Psalm 119:64)

Lately, I'm having such a hard time seeing anything but the spiritual life around me- every moment seems so holy and precious- when I watch my little guy playing, I see the HAND of God on him, I remember how God gave him strength and filled his lungs with breath those first scary few days. I think of how he prays, in his little 2 year old voice, and how he thanks God for EVERYTHING. "Thank you for a good day, thank you for hot dogs, thank you for mommy...." and on and on.

There just is no life without God. It's harder and harder for me to fathom how anyone can survive a day living in their own strength. It breaks my heart. God is so good to us- I truly can say "I am a STRANGER on earth, do not hide your commands from me. My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at ALL times" (Ps 119:20-21)

Emptiness

This morning, I'm thinking about how being a mother and a woman means a continual life giving emptying of self. The very act of giving birth is a violent emptying. The only way that any life can come from me is if I open up and let myself be emptied. It's like a seed that starts its life cold and dry and lifeless- in the darkness, under the surface, life starts to happen. The skin splits open, the new fragile life comes forth. But the seed is no longer. What was once a seed is now something so much better and bigger. I can only live if I let go of the seed, if I quit thinking that the goal of life is to preserve a seed intact. No life comes from that. Even the pain of skin bursting open and wrenching violent growth is necessary to life.
This isn't an easy thought. I think I've spent most of my days avoiding the pain of life and holding tight clenched fists so that nothing is taken from me. Of course, that hasn't really worked since nothing in life is really under my control. I couldn't force life into my first sweet baby no matter how hard I tried. I was emptied without a choice. But the babies I do have here, I hold onto so tightly sometimes in my heart.... I don't know if that is always good. 
I know that being surrendered will bring joy but sometimes it's a joy that hurts. Tears of joy are still tears-

These are the things I'm thinking about as I get started with my day. It seems so odd to have all these thoughts of seeds and life in my mind as I get up to make pancakes and do dishes and laundry and teach- It feels sometimes like I'm two people- the mom who has things under control and manages every aspect of these four little people's lives and the real me who has nothing under control and can't really even manage my own life. Don't tell my kids though :)

Truth

I just realized yesterday that one of my kids has a big problem with telling the truth. I've been specifically praying in the last month that she would know the truth because I've noticed a tendency in her to say things like "No one cares about me" and "My life is so unfair". I know that is just a childish thing to say and I certainly said it as a child but it worried me because I know that once you start telling yourself lies, it's hard to stop. So I've been praying that God would open her eyes to the truth. Now, I realized that not only is she telling lies to herself and believing lies about herself, but she is also telling lies to me. I've talked to her about how hard it is for others (like me) to trust her once she has established herself as a liar and I pray that God will soften her heart and help her to see the truth and to live the truth.

This has made me think about how often I tell myself lies or believe lies. The lie I've been struggling with the last couple days is the lie that God is not good and God is not fair. Yeah. I know. I sound like a child. But I've been studying through Exodus- I'm only really on chapter 3 but at the end of Chapter 2, it says that God heard the cry of the Israelites and remembered them and "felt concern" for them (that's the NIV translation which is not really the best translation for this particular verse). I just have been really hung up on that. I keep thinking how God told the Israelites to go to Egypt 400 years earlier and they obeyed Him and then such horrible things happened. I think of how many people died never knowing anything but heartache and then here we are, 400 years later, and NOW God remembers them. I know the word "remember" doesn't imply that He had previously forgotten them but it still just bothered me. I kept thinking how there are so many ugly things happening in the world and so much heartache and pain and it's not fair. So many times, the ones who suffer the most are just little children. They aren't suffering the consequences of their sins but the consequences of someone elses. And I'm sure they cry out to be rescued but no rescue comes. That's hard isn't it?

I'm not saying I found an answer. I'm not sure there is one. But for a day or so I was really listening to the lie that maybe God can't be trusted. Maybe He isn't always good. But you know what? That's a lie. My life is built on the foundation that God is good and that His ways are beyond my ways and His ways are best. I can't tear that foundation out without destroying everything I believe. There are times that it is hard to believe, but then I look at the cross. I look at Jesus suffering and dying and being forsaken by His Father so I don't have to and how can I say God isn't fair and that His ways are wrong? How can I deny that He is good? Really, isn't the cross enough? Do I need any other proof that God loves His children? This whole world is under a curse. God made a way out but that way doesn't always come here while we're walking on cursed ground. I have to hope in eternity.

His mercies are new every morning. Every morning. As the sun comes up, I know God's order is still in place. I know that the enemy is fighting a losing battle. But it is a battle and there are casualties and there is pain but it's not forever. I have to cling to the truth.

Ok, I just had a big revelation and wanted to share it. I started this blog back in October I think by talking about how this quote by Elisabeth Elliot has been a source of meditation for me- "Let us beware of rebellion against the Lord. Circumstances are of his choosing, because He wants to bless us, to lead us (even through the wilderness) out of Egypt, that is, out of ourselves. Settle the complaint with God and it will settle other things. Be offended with God, and you will be offended with everyone who crosses your path." It's actually on a little bulletin board by my sink and I look at it a million times a day. I just read it again and I realized how I cannot rebel against the path God has chosen for me. If I want to keep in step with His Spirit and He takes me through some ugly places in order to lead me out of myself, then so be it. I want to follow Him. I have spent some time recently being offended by where He has taken me and it has certainly had a negative impact on the world around me. I was so wrong. All the ugliness that may exist in life on the path that I may be travelling is not an excuse for me to be angry, bitter, or rebellious. I trust God. I trust that He knows the end of this road. I can rejoice in that! I don't have to just accept it, but I can really live with rejoicing. Wow. Big thoughts....

Today, since I have finished A Praying Life and I really like to always be reading some type of non-fiction book- I picked up a book called Redemption by Mike Wilkerson. My husband recently went to a conference on prayer where he got a ton of free books so I've been just reading through them. Anyways, I have only read the introduction to this book but it just makes me smile. I had NO idea what it was about but wouldn't you know, it's about the Israelites journey out of Egypt (suffering and idolatry) into the wilderness and how Jesus can use a wilderness experience to redeem and heal us. How can I deny the working of God in my life when He is so clearly speaking the same themes to me over and over again? I love Him. I'm smiling thinking of how He must love me so much to keep talking to me about the same things that I need to know.

I just read the introduction and it's already changing me. I have been reading a lot about addiction and abuse and things of that nature lately anyways. I know, not really light bedtime reading but that's what I've been drawn to learn about. I feel like it's a topic that is so prevalent in the church and I need to be more informed. However, what I've read so far in the introduction to Redemption is a refreshing change. It sounds like he is saying that all addiction is at its root idolatry. So getting rid of an addiction to alcohol only to replace it with an addiction to sobriety is still idolatry. It's still placing the addiction or lack thereof at the center rather than Christ. That really speaks to me. I am by no means the expert on addictions but I know what it's like to be enslaved and I know what it's like to be set free and I have been a bit confused by all the advice to continue talking about the addiction and continue to focus on it every day so that you don't slip back into the same addictive behaviors. I've read that everywhere- in all sorts of Christian and non-christian literature. They are the same. There is not a huge difference between a lot of what I've read that is written from a Christian perspective on overcoming addiction and a worldy perspective. It sounds like the main theory is that to overcome addiction, you need to constantly focus on yourself and where you are in relation to the addiction. It's felt wrong to me but since I'm not an expert, I've just thought - Well, what do I know- that must be the right advice- but I thought that I sure wouldn't want to keep thinking about my captor, you know? I want to be looking only at the One who set me free- not the pit He took me out of-

 I guess I feel affirmed in my belief that there is something a bit off in the focus on addiction and lack of addiction. Anything, good or bad, that takes the place of Jesus at the center is idolatry. It doesn't matter if I'm focusing on how I haven't been enslaved today to whatever thing I tend to worship, that's still focusing on me and not looking at Jesus. This is definitely something I need to ponder some more. And of course, I should read past the introduction of the book before I just make broad statements ;) But this is mostly my thoughts, I just used a little of the book to jumpstart my thought process. It's something I had already been thinking about for a couple weeks so I'm interested to see where the book goes and I just love to read about how Jesus sets us free anyways. I'm excited to read it :)

I'm not saying here that some practical steps to avoid temptations and addictions are wrong. That would be silly of me to say. In case anyone heard that, that wasn't what I intended. I just think the best way to stay free from sin is to keep in step with the Spirit. How can I give in to temptation when I am walking the path the Spirit of God has laid out for me, you know? I would think that if I find myself constantly struggling and constantly giving in to sin, perhaps I am not walking close enough to God.

Well, I'll let you know how the book turns out. I really do just love to see how God is leading me directly through a study on slavery, idolatry, and the wilderness. It's not like I have sought this out really but it seems obvious that this is something God wants me to learn. It took me about a year to realize that there is a theme... I guess I'm not too quick. But now that I'm paying attention, I'm excited to see where God will take me.

I'm thinking I'm going to start writing more often so I don't write such ridiculously long posts. We'll see. Maybe I'll just write long posts every day :) Today, I'm thinking so much about this quote I read this morning

“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.”
~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

Last night I was with some people who don't know God. I didn't really know them but I was standing somewhat on the fringe of a group and I heard one woman exclaim loudly "I sure wasn't praying, God wouldn't listen to me even if I did". It almost physically hurt me to here that. I wanted to cry out, Oh Friend, try Him. He will listen to you- I know she was just coarsely mocking God really but under that layer, I know there must be a pain that God longs to heal. I'm praying for her. Praying I will be able to reach out more.

When I look at my life, I can't fathom even thinking that God doesn't listen and doesn't care. I see Him everywhere. Today, I saw Him in the sweet repentance of my defiant 2 year old son after he realized the hurt he caused, I saw Him in the innocent laughter of my daughters, I saw Him in the softened heart of my husband, I heard Him in my husband's voice when he was praying for the people of Libya (I didn't know that he even knew there were issues in Libya because he's more of a here-and-now kind of guy but God is moving and opens our hearts to new things every day), I saw Him in the first leaves poking through the hard soil, in the peace that somehow exists in the midst of this chaos, in every moment of my day. I can't imagine life with God. I can't imagine how I could survive. Life without God's story would be so colorless and dull. I suppose that must be what God's enemies want, to strip life of all the intrigue, the romance, the brilliance that God intends. I don't want to miss any nuance of the story in my life. I'm paying close attention these days.

Quietness

This morning, I am craving quiet. I don't have much of that around here but I'm practicing having a quiet spirit in spite of my outward experiences. I've been reading this blog http://www.aholyexperience.com/ lately. I love the way it helps me to reflect and be still.

I am learning how to rest with Jesus and hear His gentle voice instead of all the chaos and churning of the world around me. This isn't meaning that my life is less full and busy but the difference is in my own heart. This morning I read Psalm 103 and 104. It spoke to my heart.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

I  am so glad that when I am in the pit, I can cling to the hand of my Father and know that I will be rescued, renewed, and satisfied. Bless the Lord O my soul!

The Desert

Well, I haven't written here for a long time and I decided to change the name of my blog to greater reflect where I am in life. I originally thought about titling my blog Out of Egypt because when I started writing it, that's what I was thinking about a lot- how God calls us/me out of the Egypt of enslavement to all sorts of things and how that isn't always an easy pleasant process and I often think i would be better off going back to slavery. Oddly enough, lately I've been learning a lot about how God uses desert experiences in our life to bring us closer to Him. I really just connected that perhaps God was teaching about what it means to come out of Egypt so that I would be prepared for a desert. Huh. Isn't God amazing?!
So anyways, though I haven't written, I have still had thoughts :) I've been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller. Wow. It's definitely changing me. I would recommend it to anyone. He talked a lot in the beginning of the book about how the only way to really develop a life of constant prayer is to be completely in touch with your own brokenness of spirit. That was a hard concept for me to grasp because I really hang on to my own strength and my own ability to not be broken, or at least to not look broken on the outside. But- God is good and while I was reading that, He showed me how broken and helpless I really am. It wasn't easy and I fought against it a lot. I can write about it now because I'm not fighting anymore. I couldn't write about it while I was fighting it because then I would have to admit it :) I like to pretend a lot- but then in the book, Paul Miller started talking about how everyone has a desert in their life, a dry and weary land. He talks about how there is often a huge gap between our hopes and our reality. I get that- I feel that a lot. He has some nifty little charts that show how we can try to make our reality match our hopes through sheer determination- which I have often done and how determination is just a short short jump from despair. But it's when you hang in there and wait for God and watch for the story He is weaving that you can experience the true wonder of knowing God and being known by Him. He says "When you persist in a spiritual vacuum, when you hang in there during ambiguity, you get to know God".
That's what I'm learning about. Now that I really think I have quit fighting my life and fighting the story God has for my life, I'm seeing so many instances of His beauty around me. It's like the flowers that bloom so quickly after a desert rain. I love that God is writing a story in my life- I love how there are themes that are woven through all the years- themes of faithfulness and strength and beauty. I have to say that letting go of this intense need I have to control myself and everything around me isn't always easy but I love to see how God's story always plays out so much better than mine could. I feel a little like I'm free-falling, like my heart is in my throat and I don't know if I'm going to make it but then... I do know because I know Who I am with- I know that Jesus is here. I love that God is revealing Himself to me more every day.
So- that's where I've been- where I am.

Wilderness

I'm feeling really restless in my spirit tonight. Well, honestly, I've been feeling this way for the last week or so. I could say it's a result of a lot of random life things- sick kids, sick husband, January, but I know it's mostly a spiritual restlessness, which is why I'm writing about it.

I had two very separate conversations this afternoon/evening with two different women which left me with some ponderings. The first- a lady came to my door from the World Mission Church of God- or something like that. I don't even remember the exact name. Anyways, she was incredibly passionate. She said about 10 times, "This is so important!!!!!" Apparently, the crux of their belief is that God is both male and female and the Heavenly Mother has descended to earth to bring salvation. She quoted a ton of Scripture. I listened to her for a while and tried to ask some pointed questions. Finally, I just told her I would pray for her and I encouraged her to keep reading her Bible. But as soon as she left, I felt really inadequate- like I should have maybe invited her in and opened the Bible with her and showed her what it said about some things. A big thing she kept referring to was the Bride of Christ being an actual woman and right after she left, I thought I should have gotten my Bible and showed her in Ephesians 5 where it talks about how Christ loves the church like a man should love his wife- clearly the Bride refers to the Church. But- she was gone. I even looked outside for her but I couldn't find her. I was struck by how passionately lost she was. She really saw this as a matter of life and death. I too see salvation as a matter of life and death but I'm not out ringing doorbells and talking to people about it. I don't know that ringing doorbells is the most effective way to get the truth out anyways but I have to respect her passion. I really am praying for her. I'm burdened for her. I hope she comes back.

The other conversation was later in the day and I am not going to go into a ton of details but suffice to say, I spoke with a woman who is in the preparation phase of overseas mission work and I asked some pointed questions of her and left feeling a little bewildered by what I was perceiving as lack of passion. I guess because I could see myself in her position, easily, and I know that my heart would spill out of me when I spoke of the calling God had for me.I care a lot about the place she is interested in and I think I know some of the big issues there and I felt like I was better prepared than she was. But I'm sounding judgmental. Honestly, I was feeling judgmental and I don't like that.

Shortly after that, very shortly, God quickly showed me how I'm not doing such a hot job at passionately demonstrating His love to the children He has given me to minister to. I am so quickly impatient with them and unloving and self-centered. So who am I to judge someone else's perceived lack of enthusiasm and passion for people she is claiming to be burdened for? Really, I mean that. I have no right to judge.

The end of this pondering on people and their passions is that I feel quite down-hearted tonight. I can see my sinful pride and selfishness and lack of enthusiasm sometimes and I'm embarassed by myself.

I know this is really sounding dumb in light of my last post about how I want the Holy Spirit to work in me. I was thinking about how I know I was just recently feeling so excited and longing for God and now I'm just feeling worn out and dried up and it reminded me of this past week when I was reading the story of Elijah with my girls. When we got to the part where Elijah got so discouraged and depressed because Jezebel wanted to kill him, even though he had just seen God do amazing things, my girls (in their ever compassionate way) said "What is wrong with him? Why is he whiney? Why doesn't he just trust God?" And then God in His incredible kindness ministers to Elijah's physical exhaustion and then brings him to a place where he hears the voice of God. I think it's interesting that for 40 days Elijah is journeying in the strength of the food God had provided for him. I wonder what he was thinking in those 40 days. If he was like me (which I'm not sure he would have been), I wonder if he just felt numb. Unable to feel anything, just putting one foot in front of another until he got to where he was going. But praise the Lord, God didn't leave him in that place and God sent him a friend and partner in Elisha. Isn't God so kind?

So, though I'm feeling a bit in the wilderness right now, I trust that God will raise me up and speak to me again. In the meantime, I want to pay attention to my heart and to the sin that so easily pops up. In these moments when I don't necessarily feel a burning passion, I pray that I will stay out of God's way so that He can use me. Sometimes my life just feels so monotonous but I really want to see God's hand in the monotony. If I am in a "40 day journey" like Elijah, I want to be listening for God and keeping a soft and teachable heart.

Well, this is long, as always. And I have things to do- and as Robert Frost (who I've always really liked) would say "and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep".