So, today hasn't been a super impressive day for me so far. I was frustrated and to be honest, angry at my kids way too much this morning. They were just constantly picking at each other and fighting with me and it felt like every word was a piercing needle in my sore heart and achy head. So I chose to be angry and depressed and somewhat in despair for at least 2 hours. I griped and complained (not lamented) and generally pouted. Really. It wasn't pretty.
The thing about throwing a fit is that eventually, you really just have to stop and go on with the day and do the dishes and fold the laundry and drive kids around and wipe noses and bottoms and all the other things that make up my day. My husband, in his wisdom, chose to deal with my fit by reading his Bible which was the right choice on his part but annoyed me because it reminded me that eventually I would have to turn my heart towards God which would require apology and softening and admitting my ugly faults.
Obviously, I did eventually do all that or I wouldn't be writing this :). I read in Psalm 50 how God wants our thanks offerings. I thought about how unthankful I had been. I was annoyed because of my children's ingratitude when really, mine is so much more pronounced. I know better. I know that I have been given so much and yet I choose anger and choose unkind words and ridiculous self-pity leading into self-condemnation. All of which brings me away from God and into myself. I feel physically clenched and tight and a stark refusal to open my eyes, my heart, my fists and receive from God.
So what I finally realized, after reading a little Psalms, drinking some tea and eating some chocolate cake (b/c doesn't chocolate cake just help sometimes?!) was that I really do have a choice and just because I want to say that circumstances cause me to be upset or angry or I want to believe that life is too hard or too unfair, that isn't the truth.
After believing a lot of lies for a lot of years, I feel like I'm groping in the dark to find TRUTH. But I desperately want the truth. And the truth is that God is good. In every moment. Even when I feel like everyone around me is angry and hostile and demanding way too much of me. God is good. His desire is for me. Isn't that just crazy? When I'm so ugly and unkind, God is still pursuing me. I know that when I put down my fists, He's there accepting me and ready to move on and continue His work.
How can I keep on living like this?
I forget to be thankful. I forget every minute that God has ALREADY given me everything I need for life in Him. I'm going to start making a list just as the author of One Thousand Gifts started her journey. I need to actually physically write down what God has done for me so I don't forget anymore.
SO- that's my day. I have a lot more hours, at least 5 hours with my kids, some of them way too late and easily given to crankiness. May God continue to be merciful to me....
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Trust
I read this statement yesterday in my current book One Thousand Gifts- you really should just read the book. It is really fitting my life right now- I feel like it was written just for me :) Anyways, here's the statement that I've been pondering- "Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart."
I've really been thinking about all the complaining I do and what that says about my trust in God. I have realized in the last month or so that I have not trusted that God is a good God. I certainly would have told anyone who asked that I believe God is good and He is sovereign but in my deepest self, I've wondered if that is really true. I have believed He is in control and He orders all things but I've wondered if He is really good. If the heartache and ugliness of this world could possibly exist if God is really good. Even though in my head, I have known that He is good and I've known that eventually I would figure it out in my heart, it's still been a hard place. Those are not questions that are easily answered or easily examined. It frightens me to look deeply into the motives and intents of my heart. I don't like what I see, most of the time. I see so much grasping and clenching for control and power and yet I still say I want to be free and open and receive God's gifts.
I'm learning now that trust grows from moment by moment acknowledgment and gratitude for the gifts God has given me. When I thank Him for the sweet chubby fingers of my two year old pressing into my cheeks as he whispers, "Be quiet Mommy, see the dark" because in his mind, darkness means quiet, I guess. I can thank God for that moment. I can remember when he was born and the night we were so afraid he wouldn't recover and his lungs wouldn't start to work. I can remember that he is a gift from God. When I thank God for sunshine, for rain, for flowers, I see His gifts around me and I can know that He is caring for me today and that is enough. I'm seeing how He doesn't stop giving. It is gratitude that feeds trust and leads to joy and love. Ann Voskamp said this in her book but before that, a wise friend told me she learned this from reading the Psalms and watching how David lamented his afflictions but always remembered how God had provided and cared in the past and trusted He would provide again.
I want to be able to lament without complaining to God. I hate the bitter anger that is sometimes in my prayer. It's so ugly. Certainly there are moments of raw pain but when I forget that God is good or choose not to believe that, the pain is just compounded and I somehow start to feel justified in my anger as if I ever really deserved any grace in the first place. Then I just have this wall that builds and builds until finally something happens and somehow God, who I had already rejected in my anger and disbelief, in patient pursuit, calls me back to Himself and tears down my walls. Isn't God good?
Gratitude and prayer are disciplines. That is what I'm really learning. I have to discipline myself to look for the gifts God gives me and purpose to thank Him. I have to stop running around long enough to really be quiet before God. I have to find that place of rest in my soul, regardless of how chaotic my world is in that moment, I need to live every breath of my life coram Deo - before the face of God. That's the only way anything ever makes sense. I can trust a God that I have lived my life with, a God who has graciously given me everything I need for life in godliness, who has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten (that's in Joel 2:25, that whole chapter is full of such great images).
I'm asking God to give me the grace to trust Him more, to be able to open my fists and lay calm before Him, ready to be filled and ready to overflow His grace to my dear sisters in Christ- that is my desire.
I've really been thinking about all the complaining I do and what that says about my trust in God. I have realized in the last month or so that I have not trusted that God is a good God. I certainly would have told anyone who asked that I believe God is good and He is sovereign but in my deepest self, I've wondered if that is really true. I have believed He is in control and He orders all things but I've wondered if He is really good. If the heartache and ugliness of this world could possibly exist if God is really good. Even though in my head, I have known that He is good and I've known that eventually I would figure it out in my heart, it's still been a hard place. Those are not questions that are easily answered or easily examined. It frightens me to look deeply into the motives and intents of my heart. I don't like what I see, most of the time. I see so much grasping and clenching for control and power and yet I still say I want to be free and open and receive God's gifts.
I'm learning now that trust grows from moment by moment acknowledgment and gratitude for the gifts God has given me. When I thank Him for the sweet chubby fingers of my two year old pressing into my cheeks as he whispers, "Be quiet Mommy, see the dark" because in his mind, darkness means quiet, I guess. I can thank God for that moment. I can remember when he was born and the night we were so afraid he wouldn't recover and his lungs wouldn't start to work. I can remember that he is a gift from God. When I thank God for sunshine, for rain, for flowers, I see His gifts around me and I can know that He is caring for me today and that is enough. I'm seeing how He doesn't stop giving. It is gratitude that feeds trust and leads to joy and love. Ann Voskamp said this in her book but before that, a wise friend told me she learned this from reading the Psalms and watching how David lamented his afflictions but always remembered how God had provided and cared in the past and trusted He would provide again.
I want to be able to lament without complaining to God. I hate the bitter anger that is sometimes in my prayer. It's so ugly. Certainly there are moments of raw pain but when I forget that God is good or choose not to believe that, the pain is just compounded and I somehow start to feel justified in my anger as if I ever really deserved any grace in the first place. Then I just have this wall that builds and builds until finally something happens and somehow God, who I had already rejected in my anger and disbelief, in patient pursuit, calls me back to Himself and tears down my walls. Isn't God good?
Gratitude and prayer are disciplines. That is what I'm really learning. I have to discipline myself to look for the gifts God gives me and purpose to thank Him. I have to stop running around long enough to really be quiet before God. I have to find that place of rest in my soul, regardless of how chaotic my world is in that moment, I need to live every breath of my life coram Deo - before the face of God. That's the only way anything ever makes sense. I can trust a God that I have lived my life with, a God who has graciously given me everything I need for life in godliness, who has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten (that's in Joel 2:25, that whole chapter is full of such great images).
I'm asking God to give me the grace to trust Him more, to be able to open my fists and lay calm before Him, ready to be filled and ready to overflow His grace to my dear sisters in Christ- that is my desire.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The Body
Ok, first of all, I know I said I was going to start posting discussion on A Praying Life this weekend- but... I'm not. Sorry. I just haven't worked on the study guide yet. I've been reading other things but I really do like that book and want to go through it again so hopefully in the next week I will. Just in case there is anyone breathlessly waiting out there ;) Hopefully no one is that eager to hear my thoughts- that would be kinda scary.
Anyways, I have, as usual, been thinking a lot. Tonight, I went with my kids to another church to see a drama about Jesus' miracles and triumphal entry in preparation for Easter. It was a good time- it was one of those super big churches and the whole service was very polished and put-together. It made me really think about church in general. This is something I've been pondering lately anyways, I even asked my pastor the other day what the purpose of actually attending church on a Sunday morning is- ok, I can't remember what he said but it was good. There is a purpose. For me, lately, it's felt like I spend half the morning fighting with my kids and taking them to the bathroom one by one (why can't kids ever need to go potty at the same time?!) and a quarter of the time dealing with "business" type issues related to the Children's Ministries I'm sort of supposed to be leading and then a quarter of the time just sitting exhausted in the pew. So it seems like if I stayed home and read my Bible and maybe listened to the sermon, it would be better.
But then I'd miss the body. Tonight I was thinking how it was nice that there was a big praise team and band and good music but it felt strange to not know any of the people around me, to not know the story of anyone singing or leading music- it sort of distracted me because in a cynical way, I was thinking of all these polished professional looking people- Huh, I wonder what sin they are hiding, I wonder what pain they are glossing over? Because everyone has sin and everyone has pain and when I know that someone is singing "He has set me free" because they KNOW in the depths of their being that HE HAS SET ME FREE- it just touches me more. I can relate. This is not a judgment on any of those random people. Of course, I didn't expect that each one needed to tell me their whole life story in order to sing in front of me :) But it made me think how it is good to be part of a body of believers and to meet together every week and worship together. Of course, this means that I need to actually talk to people and know their hearts. I think we come closer to the heart of God when we are close to each others' hearts.
I'm certainly very guilty of saying "I'm fine" or even ridiculously "I'm great" to people when they say "How are you?" and I'm really not fine and certainly not great and more honestly I should answer "I'm broken, I'm struggling..." but I don't. I suspect there are a lot of people who do this. I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked with a friend about this who HAS shared her heart in response to that question "How are you?" and has been met with awkwardness or blank stares or even flat out rejection, at church. I think we as Christians expect that our "body" must be beautiful to please God. Really, I think the only true ugliness is the lies that we use to cover up our reality. When I look at the followers of Jesus, they were really just a mess. There were sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, all manner of maimed and broken people- but they didn't try to be beautiful before coming to Jesus. They just came. It was JESUS who made them beautiful. It's Jesus who takes the ugliness in my life and touches it and makes it into beauty. I think sometimes His touch leaves a scar behind- I think that's true in my life at least. I don't think the ugliness just disappears but I think He leaves His mark on my heart so I never forget that I have been healed. I wasn't always this way- I was so much worse. I was completely destitute and broken without Him. But then when I'm around other believers, I feel like I need to cover up the scars and need to act like I never needed Jesus. How foolish!
This is a little risky to write on a Saturday night when i'm already clearly going to be up way too late and my kids were up late and my husband can't go to church tomorrow- I'm not sure how honest I can be when people ask me how I am in the morning but I'm going to try.
Being honest doesn't always mean just spilling out all my guts, I guess. There have been times lately when I think I've really been too raw to answer in complete honesty and detail. I could have said something like "I'm in the middle of a mess but God is with me". That would have been more honest than "I'm fine". And I suppose it isn't always necessary to give tons of details but I've been trying a little "experiment" lately in honesty and just telling parts of my life story that aren't pretty if it seems like it would be helpful in a conversation with another believer and I've been really surprised by how every single time it has led to a deeper relationship and greater honesty from the person I'm talking to.
I want to learn to really openly love the Body of Christ. I love Jesus. I want to love those that He loves. I know it starts with actually knowing the hearts of the people in my life. I pray that God will give me the courage to love.
Anyways, I have, as usual, been thinking a lot. Tonight, I went with my kids to another church to see a drama about Jesus' miracles and triumphal entry in preparation for Easter. It was a good time- it was one of those super big churches and the whole service was very polished and put-together. It made me really think about church in general. This is something I've been pondering lately anyways, I even asked my pastor the other day what the purpose of actually attending church on a Sunday morning is- ok, I can't remember what he said but it was good. There is a purpose. For me, lately, it's felt like I spend half the morning fighting with my kids and taking them to the bathroom one by one (why can't kids ever need to go potty at the same time?!) and a quarter of the time dealing with "business" type issues related to the Children's Ministries I'm sort of supposed to be leading and then a quarter of the time just sitting exhausted in the pew. So it seems like if I stayed home and read my Bible and maybe listened to the sermon, it would be better.
But then I'd miss the body. Tonight I was thinking how it was nice that there was a big praise team and band and good music but it felt strange to not know any of the people around me, to not know the story of anyone singing or leading music- it sort of distracted me because in a cynical way, I was thinking of all these polished professional looking people- Huh, I wonder what sin they are hiding, I wonder what pain they are glossing over? Because everyone has sin and everyone has pain and when I know that someone is singing "He has set me free" because they KNOW in the depths of their being that HE HAS SET ME FREE- it just touches me more. I can relate. This is not a judgment on any of those random people. Of course, I didn't expect that each one needed to tell me their whole life story in order to sing in front of me :) But it made me think how it is good to be part of a body of believers and to meet together every week and worship together. Of course, this means that I need to actually talk to people and know their hearts. I think we come closer to the heart of God when we are close to each others' hearts.
I'm certainly very guilty of saying "I'm fine" or even ridiculously "I'm great" to people when they say "How are you?" and I'm really not fine and certainly not great and more honestly I should answer "I'm broken, I'm struggling..." but I don't. I suspect there are a lot of people who do this. I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked with a friend about this who HAS shared her heart in response to that question "How are you?" and has been met with awkwardness or blank stares or even flat out rejection, at church. I think we as Christians expect that our "body" must be beautiful to please God. Really, I think the only true ugliness is the lies that we use to cover up our reality. When I look at the followers of Jesus, they were really just a mess. There were sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, all manner of maimed and broken people- but they didn't try to be beautiful before coming to Jesus. They just came. It was JESUS who made them beautiful. It's Jesus who takes the ugliness in my life and touches it and makes it into beauty. I think sometimes His touch leaves a scar behind- I think that's true in my life at least. I don't think the ugliness just disappears but I think He leaves His mark on my heart so I never forget that I have been healed. I wasn't always this way- I was so much worse. I was completely destitute and broken without Him. But then when I'm around other believers, I feel like I need to cover up the scars and need to act like I never needed Jesus. How foolish!
This is a little risky to write on a Saturday night when i'm already clearly going to be up way too late and my kids were up late and my husband can't go to church tomorrow- I'm not sure how honest I can be when people ask me how I am in the morning but I'm going to try.
Being honest doesn't always mean just spilling out all my guts, I guess. There have been times lately when I think I've really been too raw to answer in complete honesty and detail. I could have said something like "I'm in the middle of a mess but God is with me". That would have been more honest than "I'm fine". And I suppose it isn't always necessary to give tons of details but I've been trying a little "experiment" lately in honesty and just telling parts of my life story that aren't pretty if it seems like it would be helpful in a conversation with another believer and I've been really surprised by how every single time it has led to a deeper relationship and greater honesty from the person I'm talking to.
I want to learn to really openly love the Body of Christ. I love Jesus. I want to love those that He loves. I know it starts with actually knowing the hearts of the people in my life. I pray that God will give me the courage to love.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Right now I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's a really good book. I would recommend it to anyone who really wants to understand what it means to live a life full of joy and grace. I like it because it's so real. I relate so well. Just now, I was reading about giving thanks in the really hard moments, when a child dies, when a cancer is diagnosed, when confronted with the brokenness and pain of this world.
This is something I've been thinking so much about anyways and I was interested to see what she would say- if she would say, you just need to grateful for what you have and suck it up and accept. She didn't say that. I'm glad for that. But what she did talk about was how every day is a grace, every new day is a reason to wonder that we were given another day but even knowing that, she said that she still wants to say No- it's not enough, It's not enough that we get one more day, why can't we have an endless string of days and graces?? I just so appreciate that she said that because I've said that before too. But isn't that just selfish demanding ingratitude? She said "When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gifts?"
Yes. It is all a gift. Even the brokenness and ugliness. Somehow, I know that Jesus came to transform the dark ugly places and make them growing beauty. Somehow. I think I need to accept that this is a mystery. And be grateful.
This is something I've been thinking so much about anyways and I was interested to see what she would say- if she would say, you just need to grateful for what you have and suck it up and accept. She didn't say that. I'm glad for that. But what she did talk about was how every day is a grace, every new day is a reason to wonder that we were given another day but even knowing that, she said that she still wants to say No- it's not enough, It's not enough that we get one more day, why can't we have an endless string of days and graces?? I just so appreciate that she said that because I've said that before too. But isn't that just selfish demanding ingratitude? She said "When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gifts?"
Yes. It is all a gift. Even the brokenness and ugliness. Somehow, I know that Jesus came to transform the dark ugly places and make them growing beauty. Somehow. I think I need to accept that this is a mystery. And be grateful.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Freedom
This morning, I was reading in Psalm 119 while I sipped my coffee and watched my little boy zoom his trucks over the rug. I had to keep saying "Shh, don't wake up the girls" because I'm always hoping for a little more peace... but anyways, while I was reading, in between Shhing, I just stayed for a while on verse 32. It says, "I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free". Isn't that beautiful? I'm not just stumbling through His path, I can run free only because HE has set my heart free. That whole little section of Psalm 119 is so precious- it says in verse 30- "I have chosen the way of truth, I have set my heart on your laws."
I so much want that to be true of me. I want to be able to say that I have chosen His truth over my lies and the lies of the Accuser. When I hear the harsh whisper or violent shout of accusation that I am NOT good enough and I have no right to come to a HOLY God with my petty problems, I can say NO, I have chosen His truth. His truth that says that I am precious in His sight, I am beloved. The earth is filled with His love (Psalm 119:64)
Lately, I'm having such a hard time seeing anything but the spiritual life around me- every moment seems so holy and precious- when I watch my little guy playing, I see the HAND of God on him, I remember how God gave him strength and filled his lungs with breath those first scary few days. I think of how he prays, in his little 2 year old voice, and how he thanks God for EVERYTHING. "Thank you for a good day, thank you for hot dogs, thank you for mommy...." and on and on.
There just is no life without God. It's harder and harder for me to fathom how anyone can survive a day living in their own strength. It breaks my heart. God is so good to us- I truly can say "I am a STRANGER on earth, do not hide your commands from me. My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at ALL times" (Ps 119:20-21)
I so much want that to be true of me. I want to be able to say that I have chosen His truth over my lies and the lies of the Accuser. When I hear the harsh whisper or violent shout of accusation that I am NOT good enough and I have no right to come to a HOLY God with my petty problems, I can say NO, I have chosen His truth. His truth that says that I am precious in His sight, I am beloved. The earth is filled with His love (Psalm 119:64)
Lately, I'm having such a hard time seeing anything but the spiritual life around me- every moment seems so holy and precious- when I watch my little guy playing, I see the HAND of God on him, I remember how God gave him strength and filled his lungs with breath those first scary few days. I think of how he prays, in his little 2 year old voice, and how he thanks God for EVERYTHING. "Thank you for a good day, thank you for hot dogs, thank you for mommy...." and on and on.
There just is no life without God. It's harder and harder for me to fathom how anyone can survive a day living in their own strength. It breaks my heart. God is so good to us- I truly can say "I am a STRANGER on earth, do not hide your commands from me. My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at ALL times" (Ps 119:20-21)
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