This morning, I'm thinking about how being a mother and a woman means a continual life giving emptying of self. The very act of giving birth is a violent emptying. The only way that any life can come from me is if I open up and let myself be emptied. It's like a seed that starts its life cold and dry and lifeless- in the darkness, under the surface, life starts to happen. The skin splits open, the new fragile life comes forth. But the seed is no longer. What was once a seed is now something so much better and bigger. I can only live if I let go of the seed, if I quit thinking that the goal of life is to preserve a seed intact. No life comes from that. Even the pain of skin bursting open and wrenching violent growth is necessary to life.
This isn't an easy thought. I think I've spent most of my days avoiding the pain of life and holding tight clenched fists so that nothing is taken from me. Of course, that hasn't really worked since nothing in life is really under my control. I couldn't force life into my first sweet baby no matter how hard I tried. I was emptied without a choice. But the babies I do have here, I hold onto so tightly sometimes in my heart.... I don't know if that is always good.
I know that being surrendered will bring joy but sometimes it's a joy that hurts. Tears of joy are still tears-
These are the things I'm thinking about as I get started with my day. It seems so odd to have all these thoughts of seeds and life in my mind as I get up to make pancakes and do dishes and laundry and teach- It feels sometimes like I'm two people- the mom who has things under control and manages every aspect of these four little people's lives and the real me who has nothing under control and can't really even manage my own life. Don't tell my kids though :)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Truth
I just realized yesterday that one of my kids has a big problem with telling the truth. I've been specifically praying in the last month that she would know the truth because I've noticed a tendency in her to say things like "No one cares about me" and "My life is so unfair". I know that is just a childish thing to say and I certainly said it as a child but it worried me because I know that once you start telling yourself lies, it's hard to stop. So I've been praying that God would open her eyes to the truth. Now, I realized that not only is she telling lies to herself and believing lies about herself, but she is also telling lies to me. I've talked to her about how hard it is for others (like me) to trust her once she has established herself as a liar and I pray that God will soften her heart and help her to see the truth and to live the truth.
This has made me think about how often I tell myself lies or believe lies. The lie I've been struggling with the last couple days is the lie that God is not good and God is not fair. Yeah. I know. I sound like a child. But I've been studying through Exodus- I'm only really on chapter 3 but at the end of Chapter 2, it says that God heard the cry of the Israelites and remembered them and "felt concern" for them (that's the NIV translation which is not really the best translation for this particular verse). I just have been really hung up on that. I keep thinking how God told the Israelites to go to Egypt 400 years earlier and they obeyed Him and then such horrible things happened. I think of how many people died never knowing anything but heartache and then here we are, 400 years later, and NOW God remembers them. I know the word "remember" doesn't imply that He had previously forgotten them but it still just bothered me. I kept thinking how there are so many ugly things happening in the world and so much heartache and pain and it's not fair. So many times, the ones who suffer the most are just little children. They aren't suffering the consequences of their sins but the consequences of someone elses. And I'm sure they cry out to be rescued but no rescue comes. That's hard isn't it?
I'm not saying I found an answer. I'm not sure there is one. But for a day or so I was really listening to the lie that maybe God can't be trusted. Maybe He isn't always good. But you know what? That's a lie. My life is built on the foundation that God is good and that His ways are beyond my ways and His ways are best. I can't tear that foundation out without destroying everything I believe. There are times that it is hard to believe, but then I look at the cross. I look at Jesus suffering and dying and being forsaken by His Father so I don't have to and how can I say God isn't fair and that His ways are wrong? How can I deny that He is good? Really, isn't the cross enough? Do I need any other proof that God loves His children? This whole world is under a curse. God made a way out but that way doesn't always come here while we're walking on cursed ground. I have to hope in eternity.
His mercies are new every morning. Every morning. As the sun comes up, I know God's order is still in place. I know that the enemy is fighting a losing battle. But it is a battle and there are casualties and there is pain but it's not forever. I have to cling to the truth.
This has made me think about how often I tell myself lies or believe lies. The lie I've been struggling with the last couple days is the lie that God is not good and God is not fair. Yeah. I know. I sound like a child. But I've been studying through Exodus- I'm only really on chapter 3 but at the end of Chapter 2, it says that God heard the cry of the Israelites and remembered them and "felt concern" for them (that's the NIV translation which is not really the best translation for this particular verse). I just have been really hung up on that. I keep thinking how God told the Israelites to go to Egypt 400 years earlier and they obeyed Him and then such horrible things happened. I think of how many people died never knowing anything but heartache and then here we are, 400 years later, and NOW God remembers them. I know the word "remember" doesn't imply that He had previously forgotten them but it still just bothered me. I kept thinking how there are so many ugly things happening in the world and so much heartache and pain and it's not fair. So many times, the ones who suffer the most are just little children. They aren't suffering the consequences of their sins but the consequences of someone elses. And I'm sure they cry out to be rescued but no rescue comes. That's hard isn't it?
I'm not saying I found an answer. I'm not sure there is one. But for a day or so I was really listening to the lie that maybe God can't be trusted. Maybe He isn't always good. But you know what? That's a lie. My life is built on the foundation that God is good and that His ways are beyond my ways and His ways are best. I can't tear that foundation out without destroying everything I believe. There are times that it is hard to believe, but then I look at the cross. I look at Jesus suffering and dying and being forsaken by His Father so I don't have to and how can I say God isn't fair and that His ways are wrong? How can I deny that He is good? Really, isn't the cross enough? Do I need any other proof that God loves His children? This whole world is under a curse. God made a way out but that way doesn't always come here while we're walking on cursed ground. I have to hope in eternity.
His mercies are new every morning. Every morning. As the sun comes up, I know God's order is still in place. I know that the enemy is fighting a losing battle. But it is a battle and there are casualties and there is pain but it's not forever. I have to cling to the truth.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Ok, I just had a big revelation and wanted to share it. I started this blog back in October I think by talking about how this quote by Elisabeth Elliot has been a source of meditation for me- "Let us beware of rebellion against the Lord. Circumstances are of his choosing, because He wants to bless us, to lead us (even through the wilderness) out of Egypt, that is, out of ourselves. Settle the complaint with God and it will settle other things. Be offended with God, and you will be offended with everyone who crosses your path." It's actually on a little bulletin board by my sink and I look at it a million times a day. I just read it again and I realized how I cannot rebel against the path God has chosen for me. If I want to keep in step with His Spirit and He takes me through some ugly places in order to lead me out of myself, then so be it. I want to follow Him. I have spent some time recently being offended by where He has taken me and it has certainly had a negative impact on the world around me. I was so wrong. All the ugliness that may exist in life on the path that I may be travelling is not an excuse for me to be angry, bitter, or rebellious. I trust God. I trust that He knows the end of this road. I can rejoice in that! I don't have to just accept it, but I can really live with rejoicing. Wow. Big thoughts....
Today, since I have finished A Praying Life and I really like to always be reading some type of non-fiction book- I picked up a book called Redemption by Mike Wilkerson. My husband recently went to a conference on prayer where he got a ton of free books so I've been just reading through them. Anyways, I have only read the introduction to this book but it just makes me smile. I had NO idea what it was about but wouldn't you know, it's about the Israelites journey out of Egypt (suffering and idolatry) into the wilderness and how Jesus can use a wilderness experience to redeem and heal us. How can I deny the working of God in my life when He is so clearly speaking the same themes to me over and over again? I love Him. I'm smiling thinking of how He must love me so much to keep talking to me about the same things that I need to know.
I just read the introduction and it's already changing me. I have been reading a lot about addiction and abuse and things of that nature lately anyways. I know, not really light bedtime reading but that's what I've been drawn to learn about. I feel like it's a topic that is so prevalent in the church and I need to be more informed. However, what I've read so far in the introduction to Redemption is a refreshing change. It sounds like he is saying that all addiction is at its root idolatry. So getting rid of an addiction to alcohol only to replace it with an addiction to sobriety is still idolatry. It's still placing the addiction or lack thereof at the center rather than Christ. That really speaks to me. I am by no means the expert on addictions but I know what it's like to be enslaved and I know what it's like to be set free and I have been a bit confused by all the advice to continue talking about the addiction and continue to focus on it every day so that you don't slip back into the same addictive behaviors. I've read that everywhere- in all sorts of Christian and non-christian literature. They are the same. There is not a huge difference between a lot of what I've read that is written from a Christian perspective on overcoming addiction and a worldy perspective. It sounds like the main theory is that to overcome addiction, you need to constantly focus on yourself and where you are in relation to the addiction. It's felt wrong to me but since I'm not an expert, I've just thought - Well, what do I know- that must be the right advice- but I thought that I sure wouldn't want to keep thinking about my captor, you know? I want to be looking only at the One who set me free- not the pit He took me out of-
I guess I feel affirmed in my belief that there is something a bit off in the focus on addiction and lack of addiction. Anything, good or bad, that takes the place of Jesus at the center is idolatry. It doesn't matter if I'm focusing on how I haven't been enslaved today to whatever thing I tend to worship, that's still focusing on me and not looking at Jesus. This is definitely something I need to ponder some more. And of course, I should read past the introduction of the book before I just make broad statements ;) But this is mostly my thoughts, I just used a little of the book to jumpstart my thought process. It's something I had already been thinking about for a couple weeks so I'm interested to see where the book goes and I just love to read about how Jesus sets us free anyways. I'm excited to read it :)
I'm not saying here that some practical steps to avoid temptations and addictions are wrong. That would be silly of me to say. In case anyone heard that, that wasn't what I intended. I just think the best way to stay free from sin is to keep in step with the Spirit. How can I give in to temptation when I am walking the path the Spirit of God has laid out for me, you know? I would think that if I find myself constantly struggling and constantly giving in to sin, perhaps I am not walking close enough to God.
Well, I'll let you know how the book turns out. I really do just love to see how God is leading me directly through a study on slavery, idolatry, and the wilderness. It's not like I have sought this out really but it seems obvious that this is something God wants me to learn. It took me about a year to realize that there is a theme... I guess I'm not too quick. But now that I'm paying attention, I'm excited to see where God will take me.
I just read the introduction and it's already changing me. I have been reading a lot about addiction and abuse and things of that nature lately anyways. I know, not really light bedtime reading but that's what I've been drawn to learn about. I feel like it's a topic that is so prevalent in the church and I need to be more informed. However, what I've read so far in the introduction to Redemption is a refreshing change. It sounds like he is saying that all addiction is at its root idolatry. So getting rid of an addiction to alcohol only to replace it with an addiction to sobriety is still idolatry. It's still placing the addiction or lack thereof at the center rather than Christ. That really speaks to me. I am by no means the expert on addictions but I know what it's like to be enslaved and I know what it's like to be set free and I have been a bit confused by all the advice to continue talking about the addiction and continue to focus on it every day so that you don't slip back into the same addictive behaviors. I've read that everywhere- in all sorts of Christian and non-christian literature. They are the same. There is not a huge difference between a lot of what I've read that is written from a Christian perspective on overcoming addiction and a worldy perspective. It sounds like the main theory is that to overcome addiction, you need to constantly focus on yourself and where you are in relation to the addiction. It's felt wrong to me but since I'm not an expert, I've just thought - Well, what do I know- that must be the right advice- but I thought that I sure wouldn't want to keep thinking about my captor, you know? I want to be looking only at the One who set me free- not the pit He took me out of-
I guess I feel affirmed in my belief that there is something a bit off in the focus on addiction and lack of addiction. Anything, good or bad, that takes the place of Jesus at the center is idolatry. It doesn't matter if I'm focusing on how I haven't been enslaved today to whatever thing I tend to worship, that's still focusing on me and not looking at Jesus. This is definitely something I need to ponder some more. And of course, I should read past the introduction of the book before I just make broad statements ;) But this is mostly my thoughts, I just used a little of the book to jumpstart my thought process. It's something I had already been thinking about for a couple weeks so I'm interested to see where the book goes and I just love to read about how Jesus sets us free anyways. I'm excited to read it :)
I'm not saying here that some practical steps to avoid temptations and addictions are wrong. That would be silly of me to say. In case anyone heard that, that wasn't what I intended. I just think the best way to stay free from sin is to keep in step with the Spirit. How can I give in to temptation when I am walking the path the Spirit of God has laid out for me, you know? I would think that if I find myself constantly struggling and constantly giving in to sin, perhaps I am not walking close enough to God.
Well, I'll let you know how the book turns out. I really do just love to see how God is leading me directly through a study on slavery, idolatry, and the wilderness. It's not like I have sought this out really but it seems obvious that this is something God wants me to learn. It took me about a year to realize that there is a theme... I guess I'm not too quick. But now that I'm paying attention, I'm excited to see where God will take me.
Friday, March 18, 2011
I'm thinking I'm going to start writing more often so I don't write such ridiculously long posts. We'll see. Maybe I'll just write long posts every day :) Today, I'm thinking so much about this quote I read this morning
Last night I was with some people who don't know God. I didn't really know them but I was standing somewhat on the fringe of a group and I heard one woman exclaim loudly "I sure wasn't praying, God wouldn't listen to me even if I did". It almost physically hurt me to here that. I wanted to cry out, Oh Friend, try Him. He will listen to you- I know she was just coarsely mocking God really but under that layer, I know there must be a pain that God longs to heal. I'm praying for her. Praying I will be able to reach out more.
When I look at my life, I can't fathom even thinking that God doesn't listen and doesn't care. I see Him everywhere. Today, I saw Him in the sweet repentance of my defiant 2 year old son after he realized the hurt he caused, I saw Him in the innocent laughter of my daughters, I saw Him in the softened heart of my husband, I heard Him in my husband's voice when he was praying for the people of Libya (I didn't know that he even knew there were issues in Libya because he's more of a here-and-now kind of guy but God is moving and opens our hearts to new things every day), I saw Him in the first leaves poking through the hard soil, in the peace that somehow exists in the midst of this chaos, in every moment of my day. I can't imagine life with God. I can't imagine how I could survive. Life without God's story would be so colorless and dull. I suppose that must be what God's enemies want, to strip life of all the intrigue, the romance, the brilliance that God intends. I don't want to miss any nuance of the story in my life. I'm paying close attention these days.
“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.”
~Ernest Boyer, Jr.
Last night I was with some people who don't know God. I didn't really know them but I was standing somewhat on the fringe of a group and I heard one woman exclaim loudly "I sure wasn't praying, God wouldn't listen to me even if I did". It almost physically hurt me to here that. I wanted to cry out, Oh Friend, try Him. He will listen to you- I know she was just coarsely mocking God really but under that layer, I know there must be a pain that God longs to heal. I'm praying for her. Praying I will be able to reach out more.
When I look at my life, I can't fathom even thinking that God doesn't listen and doesn't care. I see Him everywhere. Today, I saw Him in the sweet repentance of my defiant 2 year old son after he realized the hurt he caused, I saw Him in the innocent laughter of my daughters, I saw Him in the softened heart of my husband, I heard Him in my husband's voice when he was praying for the people of Libya (I didn't know that he even knew there were issues in Libya because he's more of a here-and-now kind of guy but God is moving and opens our hearts to new things every day), I saw Him in the first leaves poking through the hard soil, in the peace that somehow exists in the midst of this chaos, in every moment of my day. I can't imagine life with God. I can't imagine how I could survive. Life without God's story would be so colorless and dull. I suppose that must be what God's enemies want, to strip life of all the intrigue, the romance, the brilliance that God intends. I don't want to miss any nuance of the story in my life. I'm paying close attention these days.
Quietness
This morning, I am craving quiet. I don't have much of that around here but I'm practicing having a quiet spirit in spite of my outward experiences. I've been reading this blog http://www.aholyexperience.com/ lately. I love the way it helps me to reflect and be still.
I am learning how to rest with Jesus and hear His gentle voice instead of all the chaos and churning of the world around me. This isn't meaning that my life is less full and busy but the difference is in my own heart. This morning I read Psalm 103 and 104. It spoke to my heart.
I am learning how to rest with Jesus and hear His gentle voice instead of all the chaos and churning of the world around me. This isn't meaning that my life is less full and busy but the difference is in my own heart. This morning I read Psalm 103 and 104. It spoke to my heart.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
I am so glad that when I am in the pit, I can cling to the hand of my Father and know that I will be rescued, renewed, and satisfied. Bless the Lord O my soul!
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Desert
Well, I haven't written here for a long time and I decided to change the name of my blog to greater reflect where I am in life. I originally thought about titling my blog Out of Egypt because when I started writing it, that's what I was thinking about a lot- how God calls us/me out of the Egypt of enslavement to all sorts of things and how that isn't always an easy pleasant process and I often think i would be better off going back to slavery. Oddly enough, lately I've been learning a lot about how God uses desert experiences in our life to bring us closer to Him. I really just connected that perhaps God was teaching about what it means to come out of Egypt so that I would be prepared for a desert. Huh. Isn't God amazing?!
So anyways, though I haven't written, I have still had thoughts :) I've been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller. Wow. It's definitely changing me. I would recommend it to anyone. He talked a lot in the beginning of the book about how the only way to really develop a life of constant prayer is to be completely in touch with your own brokenness of spirit. That was a hard concept for me to grasp because I really hang on to my own strength and my own ability to not be broken, or at least to not look broken on the outside. But- God is good and while I was reading that, He showed me how broken and helpless I really am. It wasn't easy and I fought against it a lot. I can write about it now because I'm not fighting anymore. I couldn't write about it while I was fighting it because then I would have to admit it :) I like to pretend a lot- but then in the book, Paul Miller started talking about how everyone has a desert in their life, a dry and weary land. He talks about how there is often a huge gap between our hopes and our reality. I get that- I feel that a lot. He has some nifty little charts that show how we can try to make our reality match our hopes through sheer determination- which I have often done and how determination is just a short short jump from despair. But it's when you hang in there and wait for God and watch for the story He is weaving that you can experience the true wonder of knowing God and being known by Him. He says "When you persist in a spiritual vacuum, when you hang in there during ambiguity, you get to know God".
That's what I'm learning about. Now that I really think I have quit fighting my life and fighting the story God has for my life, I'm seeing so many instances of His beauty around me. It's like the flowers that bloom so quickly after a desert rain. I love that God is writing a story in my life- I love how there are themes that are woven through all the years- themes of faithfulness and strength and beauty. I have to say that letting go of this intense need I have to control myself and everything around me isn't always easy but I love to see how God's story always plays out so much better than mine could. I feel a little like I'm free-falling, like my heart is in my throat and I don't know if I'm going to make it but then... I do know because I know Who I am with- I know that Jesus is here. I love that God is revealing Himself to me more every day.
So- that's where I've been- where I am.
So anyways, though I haven't written, I have still had thoughts :) I've been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller. Wow. It's definitely changing me. I would recommend it to anyone. He talked a lot in the beginning of the book about how the only way to really develop a life of constant prayer is to be completely in touch with your own brokenness of spirit. That was a hard concept for me to grasp because I really hang on to my own strength and my own ability to not be broken, or at least to not look broken on the outside. But- God is good and while I was reading that, He showed me how broken and helpless I really am. It wasn't easy and I fought against it a lot. I can write about it now because I'm not fighting anymore. I couldn't write about it while I was fighting it because then I would have to admit it :) I like to pretend a lot- but then in the book, Paul Miller started talking about how everyone has a desert in their life, a dry and weary land. He talks about how there is often a huge gap between our hopes and our reality. I get that- I feel that a lot. He has some nifty little charts that show how we can try to make our reality match our hopes through sheer determination- which I have often done and how determination is just a short short jump from despair. But it's when you hang in there and wait for God and watch for the story He is weaving that you can experience the true wonder of knowing God and being known by Him. He says "When you persist in a spiritual vacuum, when you hang in there during ambiguity, you get to know God".
That's what I'm learning about. Now that I really think I have quit fighting my life and fighting the story God has for my life, I'm seeing so many instances of His beauty around me. It's like the flowers that bloom so quickly after a desert rain. I love that God is writing a story in my life- I love how there are themes that are woven through all the years- themes of faithfulness and strength and beauty. I have to say that letting go of this intense need I have to control myself and everything around me isn't always easy but I love to see how God's story always plays out so much better than mine could. I feel a little like I'm free-falling, like my heart is in my throat and I don't know if I'm going to make it but then... I do know because I know Who I am with- I know that Jesus is here. I love that God is revealing Himself to me more every day.
So- that's where I've been- where I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)