Angels

I was just now wasting time when I should be going to bed and I noticed that someone I know on Facebook listed Wiccan under religion. Adam and I were just talking about the Wiccan religion recently so since it was linked to a page, I looked at the page. I just like to learn about things. There was a discussion page and I briefly started reading some of the discussions and I was so struck by how lost and deceived these men and women are. For example, one girl was writing about how she can sense spirits but she wants to know how she can communicate with them. Lots of people were giving her advice and then she said something like "my gift scares me but I know I shouldn't be afraid" and I wanted to say, "YES you should be afraid- get away from that!". It reminded me of yesterday in the children's church class I was teaching. We finish up the time with me reading to them from a missionary story while they color or just listen. We're reading The Word Came With Power about Joanne Sheffield and the Balangaos people. Anyways, the part we were at was talking about how the people were just controlled by these spirits who demanded all these sacrifices from them. One kid asked me if that was just made up and I had to tell him, No, there are spirits, and if you are looking for them, you can find them but we need to keep our eyes on Jesus. I wanted to tell him to not even think about it but really, I think it's important to not discount the power that Satan has in our world. For example, in this book, someone's child was dying and a medium came and a spirit spoke through her to say that the spirits were angry because the parents hadn't sacrificed enough. So the parents sacrificed all their pigs and the child immediately got better. Joanne Sheffield was saying how she suddenly realized how the spirits do have power. We can only have hope because we know that our Jesus has ultimately overcome the spirits.

This is kind of rambling I know. I think heaven and the world of angels and heavenly powers has just seemed much more tangible to me lately. I don't want to assume because I have not personally spoken to or looked face to face at an angel that they are just not here. There is a constant spiritual war going on I believe. I'm praying in particular for this one girl I was reading about on that Wiccan site- I'm praying God surrounds her with people who will speak truth into her heart. Oddly enough, she happens to live in a place I'm familiar with- I'm just not sure how to connect that- but I know that God can save her.

And it makes me think that I need to stay so close to Jesus- I never want there to be an opening in my heart to allow Satan to work through me. Isn't it great to know that He has overcome- that in the end, Satan will be cast into the lake of fire? In Sunday School yesterday, we were briefly talking about how the Lord will return in blazing fire and the whole world will see His glory. The thought of that takes my breath away- I think about all the relatively silly things I get hurt by or upset about- I can imagine myself whining about something and then suddenly, the sky will open up and Jesus will appear with all of the angels of heaven. I really pray that when He returns I WON'T be whining! That maybe I'll be doing something useful for Him.

Ok, well, enough of this. This is why I shouldn't look at Facebook when I really want to be going to bed :)

Reality

About a week ago, I heard someone say while talking about her struggle with depression and unbelief that she had to choose to trust that her feelings were not her reality. This is something I've been thinking about a lot this last week.

My husband, whose job has always seemed secure because he is a police officer, found out that there is a good chance he'll be laid off. A week ago, I really couldn't cope with that. We still don't know what's going to happen but I've had some time to think through why the thought of him losing his job caused me such intense emotion. Of course part of it is just fear because we don't have a ton of money saved up and we have 4 kids and a mortgage and life expenses. So I'm afraid about that. But the other bigger thing is that he thinks he would have to get a job somewhere else, far away from here, and I don't want to leave my life here. We love our church, we have friends, we have a good life. I realized that this is the biggest problem for me. I don't like the thought that my life might stray for the plan I had.

I thought that my plan and God's plan lined up exactly and so if it doesn't, I have to decide, will I gladly surrender my plan to follow God or will I go kicking and screaming? God will win regardless but how am I going to handle it? I didn't even realize how tightly I was grasping "my plan" for safety and security and "happiness" until I thought it might be taken away.

I really was struggling last week- feeling completely panicked and angry and desperate- so I decided I needed to think through the worst possible outcome and deal with that so I was not a slave to these feelings. I realized that nothing THAT bad could really happen here. Ok, maybe we'll have no money, worst case scenario- I suppose we could lose our house and have really bad credit but in the realm of eternity, is my credit rating that important? No. Would we end up living on the streets? No. Would we still be together and still have Jesus? Yes.

What if we have to move somewhere and make  new friends and find a new church? Well, we've done it before and our marriage is much stronger now and we have a much stronger faith now, so, really, we'll be fine. Maybe God has a different ministry for us.

So though my feelings tell me to despair, the reality is that nothing has really changed, I am still loved by God. He still has a good plan for me. All the days of my life are written in His book. He will not leave me or forsake me. I'm not alone. And (this is the biggest thing for me) He has a plan for me kids, it may not look like my plan for them but He has a special plan for each of their lives. I dont' want to get in the way of His purposes in their lives because I'm trying to create a "safe" world for them.

Real quick, because I need to start my day, I just finished reading in John. I was reading through the Bible but I've sort of stopped in John for a while because my soul is tired and weary and I just want to soak in my Savior. Anyways, I was reading the part where Lazarus died and I was so struck by the exchange between Martha and Jesus. She comes to him saying "Jesus, I wish you had been here to save my brother, but I know that even now you can ask your Father and raise him from the grave". And then Jesus talks to her about life and asks her if she believes that He is the Resurrection and the Life and she doesn't just say "Yes", she says, "Yes, Lord. I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God who was to come in to the world." She isn't just believing in what He can do, she is believing Who He is. That's just huge to me. Do I trust what Jesus can do in my life or do I also believe that He is the Son of God and that He has come to bring me true life?

So this morning, I woke up discouraged and down-trodden. I'm tired. Last night Adam went to a City Council meeting and though there were about 400 people there supporting the police officers, there is no absolute guarantee that his job is ok. I like guarantees. I felt like I needed there to be one. But this morning, Jesus reminded me that HE is my guarantee. The Son of God has come to save ME. What more do I need? So today, I'm choosing to trust my reality over my feelings and live in a way that reflects the reality that I am a loved child of God rather than my feelings that tell me that this world is a scary unsafe insecure place. I have a life beyond my circumstances. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Stairway to Heaven

Last night I was driving home really late and I was listening to Moody Radio. I started in the middle of a message by James Ford Jr and so I don't completely know what he was talking about but he briefly mentioned John 1:51 which says "I tell you the truth, you shall see haven open and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man." It just so happened that I read that exact verse this morning in my quiet time and I remembered hearing last night that it was in reference to Jacob's dream about the ladder- in Genesis 28. Jacob saw a stairway reaching to heaven and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. (Genesis 28:12). Ok, so here's the super cool thing- in Genesis, this staircase rests on the earth with its top in the heavens. So it's the connection between heaven and earth, right? In John, Jesus references this staircase but instead of a staircase, the angels of God are ascending and descending on the Son of Man. So- do you see that? Jesus reveals Himself as the bridge to Heaven- isn't that the coolest? I've read that verse a ton of times and never thought about what it meant- how the angels were ascending and descending on the Son of Man- I love Jesus.

Another thing I noticed is that both places it says the angels were "ascending and descending", not "descending and ascending". So do you see how it sounds like they started here on earth and ascended into the heavens- I believe in angels but I don't think about it a lot but here it just seems so clear that there are angels all around us and to discount their presence and activity in my life is so foolish. Just in  the last few days, I've been ridiculously discouraged about some life events (I'll write more about that later) and God has firmly made His presence known in my life. It wasn't subtle at all- I was worrying about a financial need the other day and it was provided for almost immediately by an anonymous gift. Seriously. I just felt like "Ok, God, I'll stop worrying, You have it under control" He really does. He is active and moving and present.

A Quick Follow Up

I said I would keep thinking about the whole problem of shopping cheaply at the potential expense of those living in poverty around the world- So, I think I've concluded that there is no real answer. I like things to be black and white and have a concrete right thing to do but in this case, and in a lot of cases, there just isn't really an answer. I do know that it would be wrong for me to just live my life without even considering the hands that have made my cheap clothes and other items around my house- I don't want to live in a bubble.

I don't know why I was born here with so much instead of in Vietnam, India, somewhere like that. I don't know. I don't think it's because I am somehow more loved by God than any of the children around the world. I think it would be wrong to think that I have somehow done anything to make myself worthy of the blessings in my life. I don't really have an answer- but I'm going to be thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with and pray that I hold it with open hands.

A couple years ago I read this book- Money, Possessions, and Eternity by Randy Alcorn and it really made me think. He was talking at one point about how it isn't wrong to buy a nice car, for example, but if I could buy a functional car for a little less so I have more to give away, then that is better. He also talked about how we are sort of like UPS drivers- we get these possessions but not so we can just keep them- it's so we can deliver them and be used by God to bless others- just like it would be goofy for a UPS driver to keep every package he had in his truck- that wouldn't be fulfilling his purpose.

So I think that I need to live wisely, more so than I have been, and really consider where I'm spending my money and what God could be doing with that money.

Someday I want to maybe adopt some kids from one of those destitute places but I think that might be a ways down the road. We'll see. That makes me wonder too- how could I adopt a couple kids and leave thousands?

Hard questions for me...

In the end, I guess I need to live one day at a time and listen to the Spirit in me and be generous with my time, my money and myself.

My Thoughts on Halloween- and holidays in general-

Ok, so I just put on Facebook that I just don't like Halloween. I honestly thought- Hmm, maybe I shouldn't say this- it will probably offend/annoy most people I know-but I said it anyways because I really don't like it and I just wanted to say it.

But then I thought I probably could go into my actual reasoning a little more... so here I am.

I was thinking, while dragging a wagon full of kids and candy from house to house- how it is just so odd that first of all, kids come to my door expecting me to give them candy, and secondly, that I am taking my kids to other people's doors begging for candy. What a weird tradition.

At one house, a guy took a picture of Caleb. It really creeped me out. I know he was taking a picture of his wife, dressed up in her costume, giving out candy but still- it just seemed strange to take a picture of my child.

Now, there are a lot of things that I think are weird, like the whole candy ritual, and adults dressing up in costumes, especially adult men in green spandex super-hero costumes (I really saw this, before I quickly averted my eyes) :) but beyond the weirdness, there is so much about this particular holiday that disturbs me. If it were just kids dressing up in innocent costumes and asking for candy, ok, well, that's strange but not that big of a deal. But what I don't like is all the gory costumes, on children and adults, all the skulls and other gore hanging around people's houses.... I really don't like my kids seeing that. But it's everywhere. People decorate so much for this day.

So I looked up the origins of Halloween because I wanted to be an informed blogwriter and it originates with the Celtic holiday of Samhain which is apparently when the Celts believed the barrier between this world and the next was thin on this night and let some harmless and some harmful spirits cross over into our world. So people dressed up and put scary decorations around to scare away the bad spirits. Well, that doesn't sound great to me... doesn't sound like a tradition I need to continue. Now, my kids dressed up as a doctor, Snow White, Cinderella, and a Nascar driver. So- it's not like they were dressed up as demons and whatnot but we certainly saw way more of that than I would have liked. We also saw a lot of provocatively dressed teenage girls and women- also not something I would usually let my kids see- I was thinking that if we were watching TV and there was all this gore and spookiness, I would turn it off right away so why was I walking around in it? We did go home once I had that thought.

Adam told me that someone he knows from work plans his whole year for Halloween. It's the biggest holiday of the year for him. I know a lot of people, Christians included, who think Halloween is such a great thing and such a big deal and can't wait to "celebrate" it. It just feels so pointless to me. I was thinking about that as I walked along and I think it's because it is one of the few holidays that has no tie to Jesus. That's probably why a lot of people who don't know Jesus love it so much, because they can celebrate without any "religion" interrupting their lives. But I have no idea why Christians like it.

When I look in the Bible, I see that God set up holidays to be observed. He is big on that- the Israelites had tons of feasts that God told them to observe and celebrate. I think of Purim later on in the Bible which celebrated how God delivered the Jews from Haman and their enemies in Persia- But there were no holidays just for the sake of having a holiday. Every one had a specific purpose and specific thing that they were remembering and thanking God for. So a holiday that has no purpose and no reason to thank God is really not a God-ordained holiday, right? Is that a fair conclusion?

By far, my favorite two holidays are Christmas and Easter. Christmas, because I love the month before when we really focus on God's plan of redemption culminating in the birth of Christ and Easter when I remember how Jesus died for my sins but rose again from the dead and conquered death so I can live. All the goofy things like Santa Claus and Easter bunnies just don't even register for me. I don't even think about them because that isn't what those holidays are about. I kind of hate when people ask my kids questions  like "What do you want Santa Claus to bring you?" because my kids just sort of stare at them blankly and then I feel absurdly guilty like I'm not a good parent if I don't tell my kids there is a Santa Claus and that is what Christmas is all about even though I don't believe that at all and it's totally against what I am teaching them about Christmas.

I guess for me- I can just see how everything in my life comes back to Jesus. When I look at my days and weeks, my whole week is looking forward to Sunday, certainly to the responsibilities I have at church and how I need to make time in my week to get my work for church done, but also to how I need to have a pure heart before God when I get to Sunday so I can worship Him with my fellow believers because I don't want there to be a division between me and God or between me and my "family" at church. That's what my week points to. When people talk about how they are looking forward to the weekend, I think, one day is pretty much like the next, why does it matter? Sunday is the only day in my life that is significantly different, that I really look forward to.

This is not to say at all that I think relaxing or having fun or celebrating is wrong. Not at all. I like to have fun :) And I have a lot of pointless recreational time in my life- well, not a lot- but some. Anyways, I'm just saying that as a whole, anything in my life that doesn't point to Jesus is not worth much to me. So Halloween, which some might argue points directly away from Jesus, is just a silly empty "holiday" celebrating nothing and causing endless fights over candy in my house for weeks to come.

That's all I have to say about that :)

Responsibility

So, I don't know that anyone really reads this infrequent blogging of mine but I really want some feedback on this- so please let me know what you think. Ok, here's the topic- What is the Christ follower's responsibility for caring for the orphans and widows in distress all over the world?

The other day, we were reading in this book called Window of the World (I highly recommend it) about Bangladesh and for some reason, it struck me more than any other country, that the children of Bangladesh are born into such a hopeless situation. They have so little, their land is constantly being flooded by various natural disasters and thousands die from disease, poverty, tsunamis, you name it- it seems like they just can't get a break. I just kept thinking about them that morning- these little children who don't have anything- these men and women who are just living in despair. Later that day, I went to Kohl's and bought some shirts for my girls. Honestly, they really don't need anything. They have so many clothes- I'm not sure why I bought them but I did and I looked at the tag at home and it said "Made in Bangladesh".

I've always thought about the world, I've always cared, but lately, I care a lot more and I feel so responsible but I don't know what to do. I think of these places, like Bangladesh, Thailand, China, India, where we Americans can get cheap labor and I really don't know what I should do. Do I stop trying to get good deals because I'm not sure if people are being exploited so I can buy a cheaper shirt? Do I just accept that this is the way of the world? I really don't know for sure that anyone is doing anything wrong. I haven't done any research into this. It's just this gut feeling that Bangladesh is a mess of a place so how can they be treating their employees fairly at any of these clothes producing plants?

Do you see my dilemma? Is this something anyone else has wrestled with? if so, do you have an answer? It breaks my heart to think of the starving, suffering people in this world but I don't know what I can do to make a difference. I do know there are good organizations out there that pay a fair wage to people to help them climb out of their poverty. I know there are organizations like Compassion International and World Vision teaching and feeding children. We sponsor a little girl in Uganda and my kids faithfully pray for her. I have to say though, until recently, she didn't seem real to me. I'm not sure why. I don't like what that says about me. But lately, she has been on my heart. I think about her, I wonder what her daily life is like. I wish I could do more than just send $38 a month. She always writes and asks when we are going to come and see her and I feel guilty for thinking, I don't really want to go to Uganda. Though lately, I would really like to meet her and hug her and just love her. I don't know how that could happen though.

I'm praying God will just stretch me and show me what I can do to make a difference in this world. I know His heart breaks for all the heartache all over this world. I don't want to be so comfortable in my cushy American life that I can't be bothered by the troubles of third world countries, that I just think of Bangladesh as a place where they make cheap clothes.

I think it would really be a blessing to travel the world. I haven't been very many places. I went to Russia once but it was a pretty sanitized time- with 200 other Christians- I'm pretty sure I didn't get an accurate picture. Now I seem a bit stuck in the MidWest but the Lord has opened my heart up so much more and given me such concern for these broken places in the world. I think it would be nice to actually physically understand the world beyond America.

For now, I would just love to hear any opinions on this- especially on what you think about shopping at places where you are pretty sure they exploit workers in third world countries to bring you good bargains... that's really hard. Am I supporting their behavior by shopping there? Am I perhaps over-reacting because I dont' actually know that anyone is being exploited? Talk to me :)

Passion

I've been thinking a lot the last couple days/weeks/months about how more and more, all that really matters is Jesus. It used to be that I could sort of relegate my Christianity to my circle of church friends and my Sundays but lately, it consumes me. I think this transformation has really taken off in the last couple years. Maybe it's just that as I've grown up, I've solidified what I believe and what my priorities are. I don't know- I think it is that I opened my heart to Jesus, just a little crack, fearful of what might happen, and little by little, He is consuming me. I love it.

Last night, we had a baptism service at our church and I was thinking back to when I was baptized. I was only about 6 or 7. When I think of that time, I remember having a pure, simple love for Jesus and knowing without any doubts that if I wanted to go to Heaven, I had to follow Jesus. I was baptized by a dear man, Pastor Dix. He is still in my life today- When I was little, I thought he was an angel. Mostly because I had really bad eyes as a kid and before I got glasses, he always seemed to have this fuzzy halo of light around his head as I watched him preach. Really. So I assumed he was an angel. But once I could see a little better, I still thought he was such a kind man. As he has aged, he has only become more like Jesus.

When I think of baptism, I think of it as putting a stake in the ground and saying "This is it, I am on Jesus' side. For better or worse, I'm following Him". As a kid, I don't think I really understood all that entailed but now, I love Jesus with such a passion. I think of Christians in other countries who are killed and tortured because they believe in Jesus and I think of how Jesus says Blessed are you when men persecute you for My sake- I understand that. I understand how suffering for the sake of Jesus is a cause for joy. I love Jesus so much- to have the opportunity to suffer for Him even a little seems like such a privilege.

I've been thinking about how this deep passion plays out in daily life though. As I am transformed, I see how the little battles in my mind are getting easier to win. When my mind starts to say that I am worthless and a creature of sin, I used to just run with that and wallow in my depravity but if I look at the last year, I see how those times are getting farther and farther apart. And when I do hear those words of condemnation, I turn to Jesus right away. I know that I am precious in His eyes and any voice that says differently is from the pit of Hell.

I don't really have much cause to stand up before evil men and declare my love for Jesus but every day, I have opportunities to declare to Satan that I belong to Jesus. I feel like there is such a battle for the souls of my children. I feel it raging around me sometimes- when I'm not close to Jesus, I easily slip into anger and pride and selfishness, giving my children opportunities for resentment and bitterness and destroying any testimony I might have with them. I have to constantly be on guard against those fleshly desires so that Jesus can shine through me and touch my children's lives. I have to stand up to the forces that want to pull me away from Jesus and say "No, I will give my life for Jesus- He is my passion, my desire, nothing else matters"

I don't feel like any of these thoughts have a good conclusion- it is a lot of rambling. I'll keep pondering.. the bottom line is- I love Jesus and I'm in awe that He loves me enough to change me and make me like Him.

Family

I've been thinking a lot in the last week about how much I just love my church family. I can't imagine what life with no church would be like. Our church has this tradition on the first Sunday night of the month- after communion- we all stand around holding hands in a big circle and sing Blessed Be The Tie That Binds. Last week, it was the usual chaos of trying to make the circle stretch all the way around and fitting everyone into a spot because it seems like there is never an option to just not hold hands, at all costs, the circle WILL be completed! I ended up holding hands with two people who I think I can safely say I would not have ever just held hands with in the course of my daily life. As I looked around the circle, I was just struck by how dear all those fellow believers are to me. We may all have little quirks and totally different personalities but we love Jesus and we're family. Thank you Jesus. What a gift to have this community here on earth!

No Time

I just wanted to say that I've really wanted to write about some things this week but I've had no time to sit down- or at least not more than one minute at a time. But hopefully soon.... or I'll just have to start writing one sentence at a time and it will take a really long time to get a whole thought out;)

My citizenship

I just briefly had the TV on while I was doing dishes. We only get about 5 channels so I don't watch TV that often, anyways, I was watching the news, which was kind of dumb (the news was, they seemed to have nothing to say about anything) and then there was a commercial break and the entire break was just commercials of politicians saying why their opponent is terrible and they are wonderful. It kind of baffled me. It was actually only 2 guys going back and forth bashing each other in a series of about 8 commercials. I thought- They are sure spending a lot of money and emotional energy on this and the reality is, one of them will lose. It just seems kind of a silly use of time and money- but really, I do believe in the American system of politics, more or less so I'm not saying anything negative about democracy. I just think it's kind of ridiculous to spend so much to talk bad about someone else.

I actually do have a point- I'm just taking a while to get to it- anyways, I started thinking about how I'm not a citizen of this world- how my true citizenship is in Heaven. Sometimes I just want to think about that. I want to just forget all of this and think about how in Heaven, it will all be made right. I feel like when it says the Lord will descend with a trumpet and a loud cry, He will say "ENOUGH!!!!" It's such a mess here on earth, you know? I wish I wasn't a part of the mess.

That's the other thing I was thinking about- how I'm just really not worthy of Heaven. Today alone, I've been selfish, easily angered, unkind, dishonest, prideful. Yuk. I wonder what God's purpose is in keeping me here. It seems like once we accept Him, we should just get to go to Heaven so we don't mess up God's image. I'm sure that the hope is that I will make good choices and reflect Jesus to those who don't know Him but the truth is, I may reflect Him 1 out of 100 times and the rest of the time, I'm reflecting the world around me. I'm so thankful that He even bothers with me. I do know that He is changing my heart, little by little, as I let go of all the trifles I'm hanging on to.

I'd like to think that I will someday be a great woman of God- along the lines of Elisabeth Elliot, Ruth Graham, one of those ladies... but someone recently said to me that all the great men and women of God spent most of their lives just doing the mundane things of life, paying bills, doing dishes, raising children. The difference is that I think they were willing to be used by God and not hanging on to anything of this world. I want my days to be a song of praise to my Father, not just a list of trivial tasks done in a mediocre way. I pray that tomorrow, I will be a little more worthy of Heaven and fit in less here on earth.

A Caterpillar Tale

Caleb and I were in the garage, marvelling at a fuzzy caterpillar. Caleb kept touching it and laughing and picking it up and letting it crawl on him. It eventually curled up in a ball for its own protection, I'm sure. Caleb tried to get it to crawl on him again and then suddenly, he stomped on it, spraying caterpillar guts all over my leg. Good times....

Why I believe God

Hmm, well, I said it might be a while before I wrote more but now that I started thinking about it, I can't seem to stop so I'm just going to write out all that I've been pondering regarding my belief in God.

 This pondering stems partially from the recent news that someone I grew up with, who attended church with me for at least part of my life, has decided that Christianity and all religion is foolish and there really is no god. I think there are probably a lot more issues involved but just the fact that one could examine fully all the tenets of Christian life and come to the conclusion that none of it is true kind of threw me. It made me really think- Why do I believe this? Is it that I have just been spoon fed my whole life and so I just spout out all that was poured into me? Is there really any foundation for my belief?

Well, let me answer that with a resounding, YES, there is a foundation. Maybe I did grow up always going to church and learning about Jesus but that doesn't mean that I never tried to walk away from Him. It doesn't mean that I don't know what life without Jesus could look like. As simplistic as this may sound, I believe God because He has acted in my life. Without God, I have no doubt that I would be a broken mess of a person. I could give specific examples of times that I know without a doubt that God intervened to save me from my inevitable self-destruction. There is no other explanation. God has saved me.

My kids and I are studying how different world religions started this year in our history studies and as we've talked about the beginning of Islam and the beginning of Buddhism specifically. I've really thought about why some people believe these teachings so passionately and disregard Christianity. When I first read about Buddhism, for example, I get it. I understand why the people of that day wanted something else to believe in, some way to make sense of all the pain and suffering of the world. What I don't really understand is why they thought that they could ever make everything right themselves- even the fact that they wanted there to be justice cries out that there must be One who is ultimately the definition of justice. When I read about all that, it just makes me sad to think of how many people are trying to save themselves.  Kara, my 7 year old, said after studying this "So, the difference is that with Jesus, we are free, right?" There's no better way to say it.

I can say without a doubt that I cannot save myself. I do know that I need to be saved. I know that there is an absolute good and an absolute evil and there is no way on my own that I can ever be good or measure up to that absolute standard.

What I want to say is that this is not just a "Sunday School', childish, immature belief. I KNOW that God is real, that He demands justice, that He offers mercy through the cross, that for some reason He loved me enough to reach down into my mess and save me. It wouldn't matter at all if I said "Well, I've examined all the evidence and I don't believe there is a God". He wouldn't cease to exist anymore than a child disappears when she covers her eyes. God doesn't need me to believe in Him. He exists completely apart from me but I know that I cannot exist, really live, except in Him and through Him.

Praise His Name.

Lately I've been thinking about how I'm always talking to... someone... in my head about all that I'm thinking through and praying through. Sometimes I actually talk out loud to real people about it but most of the time, I'm just telling myself what I'm thinking. So I decided to start writing it down mostly for myself so I can make more sense out of it.


Ok, so lately, like in the past couple months, this quote by Elisabeth Elliot has been a big source of meditation for me. She says "Let us beware of rebellion against the Lord. Circumstances are of his choosing, because He wants to bless us, to lead us (even through the wilderness) out of Egypt, that is, out of ourselves. Settle the complaint with God and it will settle other things. Be offended with God, and you will be offended with everyone who crosses your path."

I've been reading through Exodus with my girls lately, using the Ergermeier Childrens Story Bible which I highly recommend. As kid's Bibles go, I think this one does a great job at speaking to children but not leaving out the real aspects of humanity and sin in the Bible. Some Bibles I've seen for little kids just completely leave out things like Cain and Abel and Abraham sacrificing Isaac- I don't think it can be a real Bible if you don't have important stories like that included.

Anyways, I've been reading Exodus so I've been thinking about what it means to be led out of Egypt and how that is really being led out of myself. The Israelites didn't have a good life in Egypt when they finally left. It was probably great at first when Joseph was alive but obviously, it got progressively worse until they were treated bitterly and enslaved. I can certainly see how I am often enslaved to sin- like greed, pride, selfishness, ingratitude- so what does it mean to be led out of myself? Why should I beware of rebellion against the Lord's leading?

Well, I think a lot of times, it's easy for me to forget why I'm in a wilderness or why I'm feeling deprived of things that I don't really need but things that perhaps God has removed from me so I can learn to depend on Him, just like the Israelites had to learn to depend on Him instead of depending on their Egyptian captors. Even though life in Egypt was so bad, they so quickly rebelled against God as soon as their bellies were hungry for more than manna and they wanted to go back to Egypt. My girls always laugh/roll their eyes when we read "And again, the Israelites complained against the Lord" because it seems like it happens so often. But I rebel against the Lord so often too. I start to complain in my heart or unfortunately, out loud, about how hard life is for me when God IS providing all I need, maybe just not all I think I want at that moment.

So the main phrase that sticks out to me in this quote is  "Be offended with God and you will be offended with everyone who crosses your path". When I find myself easily offended, it is a quick reminder that perhaps I am being offended with the way God is leading me. Then I have to decide whether I will continue down my bitter complaining path that will only end in discipline or whether I will humble myself and apologize for my ungrateful spirit and settle the issue with God. That's hard. It shouldn't be though- if I had any common sense.

Well, I've had a lot more thoughts lately but I think that I'm on the verge of rambling incessantly so I better wrap it up till I can think more clearly again. The main topics of my thoughts lately are 1.) Why do I believe in God? and 2.) What do I do with the questions of life- like why do so many evil things happen all the time? How do I reconcile my belief in a loving, merciful God with the pain of humanity?

I will share my conclusions soon- don't hold your breath though :) Not that soon...