Wilderness

I'm feeling really restless in my spirit tonight. Well, honestly, I've been feeling this way for the last week or so. I could say it's a result of a lot of random life things- sick kids, sick husband, January, but I know it's mostly a spiritual restlessness, which is why I'm writing about it.

I had two very separate conversations this afternoon/evening with two different women which left me with some ponderings. The first- a lady came to my door from the World Mission Church of God- or something like that. I don't even remember the exact name. Anyways, she was incredibly passionate. She said about 10 times, "This is so important!!!!!" Apparently, the crux of their belief is that God is both male and female and the Heavenly Mother has descended to earth to bring salvation. She quoted a ton of Scripture. I listened to her for a while and tried to ask some pointed questions. Finally, I just told her I would pray for her and I encouraged her to keep reading her Bible. But as soon as she left, I felt really inadequate- like I should have maybe invited her in and opened the Bible with her and showed her what it said about some things. A big thing she kept referring to was the Bride of Christ being an actual woman and right after she left, I thought I should have gotten my Bible and showed her in Ephesians 5 where it talks about how Christ loves the church like a man should love his wife- clearly the Bride refers to the Church. But- she was gone. I even looked outside for her but I couldn't find her. I was struck by how passionately lost she was. She really saw this as a matter of life and death. I too see salvation as a matter of life and death but I'm not out ringing doorbells and talking to people about it. I don't know that ringing doorbells is the most effective way to get the truth out anyways but I have to respect her passion. I really am praying for her. I'm burdened for her. I hope she comes back.

The other conversation was later in the day and I am not going to go into a ton of details but suffice to say, I spoke with a woman who is in the preparation phase of overseas mission work and I asked some pointed questions of her and left feeling a little bewildered by what I was perceiving as lack of passion. I guess because I could see myself in her position, easily, and I know that my heart would spill out of me when I spoke of the calling God had for me.I care a lot about the place she is interested in and I think I know some of the big issues there and I felt like I was better prepared than she was. But I'm sounding judgmental. Honestly, I was feeling judgmental and I don't like that.

Shortly after that, very shortly, God quickly showed me how I'm not doing such a hot job at passionately demonstrating His love to the children He has given me to minister to. I am so quickly impatient with them and unloving and self-centered. So who am I to judge someone else's perceived lack of enthusiasm and passion for people she is claiming to be burdened for? Really, I mean that. I have no right to judge.

The end of this pondering on people and their passions is that I feel quite down-hearted tonight. I can see my sinful pride and selfishness and lack of enthusiasm sometimes and I'm embarassed by myself.

I know this is really sounding dumb in light of my last post about how I want the Holy Spirit to work in me. I was thinking about how I know I was just recently feeling so excited and longing for God and now I'm just feeling worn out and dried up and it reminded me of this past week when I was reading the story of Elijah with my girls. When we got to the part where Elijah got so discouraged and depressed because Jezebel wanted to kill him, even though he had just seen God do amazing things, my girls (in their ever compassionate way) said "What is wrong with him? Why is he whiney? Why doesn't he just trust God?" And then God in His incredible kindness ministers to Elijah's physical exhaustion and then brings him to a place where he hears the voice of God. I think it's interesting that for 40 days Elijah is journeying in the strength of the food God had provided for him. I wonder what he was thinking in those 40 days. If he was like me (which I'm not sure he would have been), I wonder if he just felt numb. Unable to feel anything, just putting one foot in front of another until he got to where he was going. But praise the Lord, God didn't leave him in that place and God sent him a friend and partner in Elisha. Isn't God so kind?

So, though I'm feeling a bit in the wilderness right now, I trust that God will raise me up and speak to me again. In the meantime, I want to pay attention to my heart and to the sin that so easily pops up. In these moments when I don't necessarily feel a burning passion, I pray that I will stay out of God's way so that He can use me. Sometimes my life just feels so monotonous but I really want to see God's hand in the monotony. If I am in a "40 day journey" like Elijah, I want to be listening for God and keeping a soft and teachable heart.

Well, this is long, as always. And I have things to do- and as Robert Frost (who I've always really liked) would say "and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep".

Hope

For some reason, I feel like this year is going to be a year of change in our family and most importantly in my heart. I don't really know why- except that Adam and I are both more awake spiritually than we've ever been and so that usually means God can work and change our relationship with each other, with our kids, and with other believers. I have so much hope for the coming year.
I just finished reading the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It was life-changing. I would highly recommend it. Without copying the whole book here, the main point is that we as Christians have long neglected the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. What I took from it was that I want so much for the Holy Spirit of God to be flowing completely through me. He was talking about how we don't really need God's help when we are handling life on our own- it's when we are at the end of our abilities that we reach out and then God is able to work and move and shine through. I want to live in a desperate place where I am always at the end of my abilities so that God can always be moving through me. I don't want to live a safe comfortable life where I never have to stretch beyond what is easy for me. However, I was thinking when I was reading that that it is foolish to purposefully push myself past my limits and then not rely on God. I tend to do that. Even this last year, I took on more responsibilities at church- and I totally am thankful for them- don't hear a complaint in this- but a lot of the year, I was trying to move programs and people completely in my own strength. I don't know why. My main motivation should have been to be teaching the Bible so you would think that would naturally make me lean on God but... I missed that step- a lot of the time, sometimes I got it. I think there is this part of me that doesn't want to be a bother to God and wants to just handle everything on my own. Sometimes I think I have this image of God as being really busy handling all the crises around the world and too busy for my dumb problems or too busy to help me figure out how to speak truth to people or excite kids about the Word of God. This is something I want to get over this next year.

I also was struck by how Francis Chan was relating a time when he was incredibly burdened by the plight of children around the world who are enslaved in the sex-trafficking business. He lost sleep over it, he couldn't stop thinking about it and he gave all the royalties from his first book to the Isaiah 58 fund to help the kids around the world. Some well-meaning Christians chastised him for that because they said he should have saved some for an emergency and he said (this is the part that got me)- Kids are being sold as sex slaves right now- what bigger emergency is there? Isn't that true? But how often do I think like that? I care a lot about issues like that but am I living like I care? Am I listening to the direction of the Spirit and following His leading regardless of how "foolish" it may seem to my American, plan-ahead, independent mentality?

It's not just in big things like giving all my money away that I want to be listening though. I've thought a lot about the fruit of the Spirit in the last year actually- It's just been on my mind. After reading this book I've thought about it even more- what fruit is pouring from my life? Sadly, it's not too often the fruit of the Spirit. So I'm praying every day that I will be at the end of myself right from the beginning of the day and I will rely totally and completely on God to fill me up with His Spirit and let His fruit of love and peace and joy and patience and self-control (that's a huge one for me) just flow out of me so it's obvious that it is not my own personal dedication to being a better person that is making the change but it only happening because God is working in me. And I give anyone reading this permission to tell me if they are seeing ugly rotten fruit from my life. Really. I am committing myself to a pursuit of the Spirit this year.

I've been reading through the Bible the last couple years. In 2010, I did skip a little bit of the New Testament so I could finish on time. Oops. But anyways, this year, I've decided I'm going to read the whole Bible and pay close attention to when the Spirit is mentioned so I can learn more about this aspect of the Trinity. I'm excited to share what I learn- when I learn it- I'm trusting God is going to teach me something.

Well, that's enough for now. Just thought I should write something so you all know I'm still thinking :)