So it's been so long since I've written anything, i almost thought i should start a new blog because I feel like I failed at this one. But... I'm tired and that seems like a lot of work and tonight, I can't seem to get anything done because I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head so I'm going to write them down here. I also was thinking I should start a new blog because I feel awkward saying what I think knowing that some people read it. But I suppose if I don't want anyone to read it, I should write in my own private journal and not actually share it. The thing is, though, I actually do want to share. I just feel awkward thinking that other people actually would want to read it. So- if you've read this far, and feel like this is enough rambling, feel free to stop and don't feel forced to read on. :) Ok. Now that I have all that out of my system...

So today was my grandpa's funeral. I can't even really comprehend that. I know with all that is in me that he is with Jesus now. I was sort of telling Jesus earlier that I wish I could just see him for a second, just to KNOW that he is ok and happy and all of that and Jesus reminded me that I walk by faith, and not by sight. So I have to choose faith. And I do know he is so good right now.


I've actually wanted to write about him for at least a year now and for some reason, I just haven't. It felt too personal for my blog that I have such an awkward relationship with :) Anyways, I sort of wish I had shared some of this while he was still alive but I did tell it all to him and that is what really mattered.

I can honestly say that I have absolutely no negative memories of him. I know there is no one in my life who could say that about me... and I'm sure there are people in his life who were hurt by him or offended or something at some point or another, I know he was just a man. But for me, he really was such a larger than life hero. When i was a kid, he was just so big. Everything about him was big and safe and fun. He had huge strong hands that engulfed mine, he hugged big, he laughed big. He was just big. I loved him. A friend of mine was reminding me the other day of a time when we were his guests at an Awana camp and we felt so important because we came with him and it made me think- I always felt important to him. He had 25 grandkids, so it's not like I was the only one or anything, but when I was with him, I always felt like I mattered to him. Like who I was was important in his world. That's huge for a kid. Again- I'm not sure any kids in my life could say that about me right now. I hope that changes.

When I was older, I really liked Russian history and Russian language and so I loved to talk to him about that because he really cared about that too. I really loved to sit at his table and just talk and listen. It always felt like the world was in order, like everything was ok and God was in control and I didn't need to worry. That was such a good feeling.

Honestly, the only thing I ever regretted with him was that I was impatient with him at my wedding. He was performing the ceremony and he sometimes tended to talk on and on and I know in my heart, I was rude and impatient. I'm embarrassed to say that. It shows how immature and self-centered I was. I talked to him about that a couple years ago though and apologized for my immaturity. So I don't really regret that anymore.

As much as I really have just loved him all my life, in the last couple years, that love that was perhaps more focused on how he made me feel important and loved and safe and all of that has changed to a genuine love for him and for who he was and who he has been just in these last couple years. I don't remember when he stopped being able to talk- I remember when he could hardly talk and he would always go to such effort to say "I can't talk very well any more" and I felt so bad he used up his talking energy saying that. One of the last things I remember him saying was "Amen" I was reading Ephesians 3 to him and when I finished with the prayer at the beginning of Ephesians 3 and said "Amen", he echoed it. I really don't know if I ever heard him say another word.

The relationship I've had with him in the last few years is probably kind of odd. It sometimes feels a little like an imaginary friend to me- just because I talked to him a lot and told him what I was learning and what was happening in my life but he never said anything back. He just held my hand and squeezed it tight. I don't know what he was thinking or even really what he heard but I've had such sweet times sitting with him. In my chaotic and loud life, sitting with him was such a welcome refuge.

So many times, I wanted to just tell every person in the hall near him, every CNA who took care of him, every nurse who came in, "Do you know who this is?! This is not just another old person who can't talk. This is my grandpa!"

I've worked in nursing homes. I know how easy it can be to forget that everyone is someone's father, someone's mother, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa... I hated knowing that my grandpa was probably treated just like another body to wash and medicate and clothe and his real self was ignored. I hated that I couldn't do anything to stop that.

I am so glad he is with his Jesus now. I can't fathom how much I will miss him, how much the world is a lesser place without him.

I've been thinking a ton lately about how who I am all comes down to which voices in my life I choose to believe. Do I believe all the voices, real and imaginary, that have told me I'm worthless, dumb, insignificant, a failure... or do I believe the real voices that have told me i am loved, important, valuable?

And I'm realizing, the way that I know Jesus is by how I see Him in the lives of those who have loved me. My grandpa has shown me who Jesus is. I am so grateful.