Reality

About a week ago, I heard someone say while talking about her struggle with depression and unbelief that she had to choose to trust that her feelings were not her reality. This is something I've been thinking about a lot this last week.

My husband, whose job has always seemed secure because he is a police officer, found out that there is a good chance he'll be laid off. A week ago, I really couldn't cope with that. We still don't know what's going to happen but I've had some time to think through why the thought of him losing his job caused me such intense emotion. Of course part of it is just fear because we don't have a ton of money saved up and we have 4 kids and a mortgage and life expenses. So I'm afraid about that. But the other bigger thing is that he thinks he would have to get a job somewhere else, far away from here, and I don't want to leave my life here. We love our church, we have friends, we have a good life. I realized that this is the biggest problem for me. I don't like the thought that my life might stray for the plan I had.

I thought that my plan and God's plan lined up exactly and so if it doesn't, I have to decide, will I gladly surrender my plan to follow God or will I go kicking and screaming? God will win regardless but how am I going to handle it? I didn't even realize how tightly I was grasping "my plan" for safety and security and "happiness" until I thought it might be taken away.

I really was struggling last week- feeling completely panicked and angry and desperate- so I decided I needed to think through the worst possible outcome and deal with that so I was not a slave to these feelings. I realized that nothing THAT bad could really happen here. Ok, maybe we'll have no money, worst case scenario- I suppose we could lose our house and have really bad credit but in the realm of eternity, is my credit rating that important? No. Would we end up living on the streets? No. Would we still be together and still have Jesus? Yes.

What if we have to move somewhere and make  new friends and find a new church? Well, we've done it before and our marriage is much stronger now and we have a much stronger faith now, so, really, we'll be fine. Maybe God has a different ministry for us.

So though my feelings tell me to despair, the reality is that nothing has really changed, I am still loved by God. He still has a good plan for me. All the days of my life are written in His book. He will not leave me or forsake me. I'm not alone. And (this is the biggest thing for me) He has a plan for me kids, it may not look like my plan for them but He has a special plan for each of their lives. I dont' want to get in the way of His purposes in their lives because I'm trying to create a "safe" world for them.

Real quick, because I need to start my day, I just finished reading in John. I was reading through the Bible but I've sort of stopped in John for a while because my soul is tired and weary and I just want to soak in my Savior. Anyways, I was reading the part where Lazarus died and I was so struck by the exchange between Martha and Jesus. She comes to him saying "Jesus, I wish you had been here to save my brother, but I know that even now you can ask your Father and raise him from the grave". And then Jesus talks to her about life and asks her if she believes that He is the Resurrection and the Life and she doesn't just say "Yes", she says, "Yes, Lord. I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God who was to come in to the world." She isn't just believing in what He can do, she is believing Who He is. That's just huge to me. Do I trust what Jesus can do in my life or do I also believe that He is the Son of God and that He has come to bring me true life?

So this morning, I woke up discouraged and down-trodden. I'm tired. Last night Adam went to a City Council meeting and though there were about 400 people there supporting the police officers, there is no absolute guarantee that his job is ok. I like guarantees. I felt like I needed there to be one. But this morning, Jesus reminded me that HE is my guarantee. The Son of God has come to save ME. What more do I need? So today, I'm choosing to trust my reality over my feelings and live in a way that reflects the reality that I am a loved child of God rather than my feelings that tell me that this world is a scary unsafe insecure place. I have a life beyond my circumstances. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!