The Desert

Well, I haven't written here for a long time and I decided to change the name of my blog to greater reflect where I am in life. I originally thought about titling my blog Out of Egypt because when I started writing it, that's what I was thinking about a lot- how God calls us/me out of the Egypt of enslavement to all sorts of things and how that isn't always an easy pleasant process and I often think i would be better off going back to slavery. Oddly enough, lately I've been learning a lot about how God uses desert experiences in our life to bring us closer to Him. I really just connected that perhaps God was teaching about what it means to come out of Egypt so that I would be prepared for a desert. Huh. Isn't God amazing?!
So anyways, though I haven't written, I have still had thoughts :) I've been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller. Wow. It's definitely changing me. I would recommend it to anyone. He talked a lot in the beginning of the book about how the only way to really develop a life of constant prayer is to be completely in touch with your own brokenness of spirit. That was a hard concept for me to grasp because I really hang on to my own strength and my own ability to not be broken, or at least to not look broken on the outside. But- God is good and while I was reading that, He showed me how broken and helpless I really am. It wasn't easy and I fought against it a lot. I can write about it now because I'm not fighting anymore. I couldn't write about it while I was fighting it because then I would have to admit it :) I like to pretend a lot- but then in the book, Paul Miller started talking about how everyone has a desert in their life, a dry and weary land. He talks about how there is often a huge gap between our hopes and our reality. I get that- I feel that a lot. He has some nifty little charts that show how we can try to make our reality match our hopes through sheer determination- which I have often done and how determination is just a short short jump from despair. But it's when you hang in there and wait for God and watch for the story He is weaving that you can experience the true wonder of knowing God and being known by Him. He says "When you persist in a spiritual vacuum, when you hang in there during ambiguity, you get to know God".
That's what I'm learning about. Now that I really think I have quit fighting my life and fighting the story God has for my life, I'm seeing so many instances of His beauty around me. It's like the flowers that bloom so quickly after a desert rain. I love that God is writing a story in my life- I love how there are themes that are woven through all the years- themes of faithfulness and strength and beauty. I have to say that letting go of this intense need I have to control myself and everything around me isn't always easy but I love to see how God's story always plays out so much better than mine could. I feel a little like I'm free-falling, like my heart is in my throat and I don't know if I'm going to make it but then... I do know because I know Who I am with- I know that Jesus is here. I love that God is revealing Himself to me more every day.
So- that's where I've been- where I am.