Wilderness

I'm feeling really restless in my spirit tonight. Well, honestly, I've been feeling this way for the last week or so. I could say it's a result of a lot of random life things- sick kids, sick husband, January, but I know it's mostly a spiritual restlessness, which is why I'm writing about it.

I had two very separate conversations this afternoon/evening with two different women which left me with some ponderings. The first- a lady came to my door from the World Mission Church of God- or something like that. I don't even remember the exact name. Anyways, she was incredibly passionate. She said about 10 times, "This is so important!!!!!" Apparently, the crux of their belief is that God is both male and female and the Heavenly Mother has descended to earth to bring salvation. She quoted a ton of Scripture. I listened to her for a while and tried to ask some pointed questions. Finally, I just told her I would pray for her and I encouraged her to keep reading her Bible. But as soon as she left, I felt really inadequate- like I should have maybe invited her in and opened the Bible with her and showed her what it said about some things. A big thing she kept referring to was the Bride of Christ being an actual woman and right after she left, I thought I should have gotten my Bible and showed her in Ephesians 5 where it talks about how Christ loves the church like a man should love his wife- clearly the Bride refers to the Church. But- she was gone. I even looked outside for her but I couldn't find her. I was struck by how passionately lost she was. She really saw this as a matter of life and death. I too see salvation as a matter of life and death but I'm not out ringing doorbells and talking to people about it. I don't know that ringing doorbells is the most effective way to get the truth out anyways but I have to respect her passion. I really am praying for her. I'm burdened for her. I hope she comes back.

The other conversation was later in the day and I am not going to go into a ton of details but suffice to say, I spoke with a woman who is in the preparation phase of overseas mission work and I asked some pointed questions of her and left feeling a little bewildered by what I was perceiving as lack of passion. I guess because I could see myself in her position, easily, and I know that my heart would spill out of me when I spoke of the calling God had for me.I care a lot about the place she is interested in and I think I know some of the big issues there and I felt like I was better prepared than she was. But I'm sounding judgmental. Honestly, I was feeling judgmental and I don't like that.

Shortly after that, very shortly, God quickly showed me how I'm not doing such a hot job at passionately demonstrating His love to the children He has given me to minister to. I am so quickly impatient with them and unloving and self-centered. So who am I to judge someone else's perceived lack of enthusiasm and passion for people she is claiming to be burdened for? Really, I mean that. I have no right to judge.

The end of this pondering on people and their passions is that I feel quite down-hearted tonight. I can see my sinful pride and selfishness and lack of enthusiasm sometimes and I'm embarassed by myself.

I know this is really sounding dumb in light of my last post about how I want the Holy Spirit to work in me. I was thinking about how I know I was just recently feeling so excited and longing for God and now I'm just feeling worn out and dried up and it reminded me of this past week when I was reading the story of Elijah with my girls. When we got to the part where Elijah got so discouraged and depressed because Jezebel wanted to kill him, even though he had just seen God do amazing things, my girls (in their ever compassionate way) said "What is wrong with him? Why is he whiney? Why doesn't he just trust God?" And then God in His incredible kindness ministers to Elijah's physical exhaustion and then brings him to a place where he hears the voice of God. I think it's interesting that for 40 days Elijah is journeying in the strength of the food God had provided for him. I wonder what he was thinking in those 40 days. If he was like me (which I'm not sure he would have been), I wonder if he just felt numb. Unable to feel anything, just putting one foot in front of another until he got to where he was going. But praise the Lord, God didn't leave him in that place and God sent him a friend and partner in Elisha. Isn't God so kind?

So, though I'm feeling a bit in the wilderness right now, I trust that God will raise me up and speak to me again. In the meantime, I want to pay attention to my heart and to the sin that so easily pops up. In these moments when I don't necessarily feel a burning passion, I pray that I will stay out of God's way so that He can use me. Sometimes my life just feels so monotonous but I really want to see God's hand in the monotony. If I am in a "40 day journey" like Elijah, I want to be listening for God and keeping a soft and teachable heart.

Well, this is long, as always. And I have things to do- and as Robert Frost (who I've always really liked) would say "and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep".