Hope

For some reason, I feel like this year is going to be a year of change in our family and most importantly in my heart. I don't really know why- except that Adam and I are both more awake spiritually than we've ever been and so that usually means God can work and change our relationship with each other, with our kids, and with other believers. I have so much hope for the coming year.
I just finished reading the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It was life-changing. I would highly recommend it. Without copying the whole book here, the main point is that we as Christians have long neglected the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. What I took from it was that I want so much for the Holy Spirit of God to be flowing completely through me. He was talking about how we don't really need God's help when we are handling life on our own- it's when we are at the end of our abilities that we reach out and then God is able to work and move and shine through. I want to live in a desperate place where I am always at the end of my abilities so that God can always be moving through me. I don't want to live a safe comfortable life where I never have to stretch beyond what is easy for me. However, I was thinking when I was reading that that it is foolish to purposefully push myself past my limits and then not rely on God. I tend to do that. Even this last year, I took on more responsibilities at church- and I totally am thankful for them- don't hear a complaint in this- but a lot of the year, I was trying to move programs and people completely in my own strength. I don't know why. My main motivation should have been to be teaching the Bible so you would think that would naturally make me lean on God but... I missed that step- a lot of the time, sometimes I got it. I think there is this part of me that doesn't want to be a bother to God and wants to just handle everything on my own. Sometimes I think I have this image of God as being really busy handling all the crises around the world and too busy for my dumb problems or too busy to help me figure out how to speak truth to people or excite kids about the Word of God. This is something I want to get over this next year.

I also was struck by how Francis Chan was relating a time when he was incredibly burdened by the plight of children around the world who are enslaved in the sex-trafficking business. He lost sleep over it, he couldn't stop thinking about it and he gave all the royalties from his first book to the Isaiah 58 fund to help the kids around the world. Some well-meaning Christians chastised him for that because they said he should have saved some for an emergency and he said (this is the part that got me)- Kids are being sold as sex slaves right now- what bigger emergency is there? Isn't that true? But how often do I think like that? I care a lot about issues like that but am I living like I care? Am I listening to the direction of the Spirit and following His leading regardless of how "foolish" it may seem to my American, plan-ahead, independent mentality?

It's not just in big things like giving all my money away that I want to be listening though. I've thought a lot about the fruit of the Spirit in the last year actually- It's just been on my mind. After reading this book I've thought about it even more- what fruit is pouring from my life? Sadly, it's not too often the fruit of the Spirit. So I'm praying every day that I will be at the end of myself right from the beginning of the day and I will rely totally and completely on God to fill me up with His Spirit and let His fruit of love and peace and joy and patience and self-control (that's a huge one for me) just flow out of me so it's obvious that it is not my own personal dedication to being a better person that is making the change but it only happening because God is working in me. And I give anyone reading this permission to tell me if they are seeing ugly rotten fruit from my life. Really. I am committing myself to a pursuit of the Spirit this year.

I've been reading through the Bible the last couple years. In 2010, I did skip a little bit of the New Testament so I could finish on time. Oops. But anyways, this year, I've decided I'm going to read the whole Bible and pay close attention to when the Spirit is mentioned so I can learn more about this aspect of the Trinity. I'm excited to share what I learn- when I learn it- I'm trusting God is going to teach me something.

Well, that's enough for now. Just thought I should write something so you all know I'm still thinking :)