Light

I haven't written here for a long time- mostly because I've just had so much to think about, not because I haven't been thinking at all :)
I've been reading and living in the Psalms lately, trying to really grasp how the psalmists poured out all their emotion to God. I read something yesterday in The God Who Is There by D.A. Carson that said that many times, older people who have experienced life, resonate so much more with the Psalms than younger people who haven't known sorrows and troubles. I dont' know that I'm really older but I think I  often feel life deeply and I resonate with everything I read. I've been thinking mostly about Psalm 36:9 which says "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light'. That has just stuck in my mind. I keep thinking about how the only true light is God's light. It is in what He has revealed about Himself that I can truly know light and truth. And all life comes from Him, not in a trickle but in a fountain. The verse before that one says "You give them drink from your river of delights".
Do I know that river? Have I drunk from it? I don't know if I have... there are fleeting moments in my life when I feel like I've dipped a toe in God's river of delight. I want to hang on to those moments and know more of them. Most of the time, I think I dirty up God's delights with the muddy ugliness of my own selfishness and pride.

Right now, I'm looking at this bug-eaten droopy sunflower we rescued from our garden. It was blown down a couple days ago. It looked dead but we put it in water and it has perked up so much. Ok, so half the petals are missing but somehow, it still feels like a gift. God has given so much. There is so much I can delight in and find life in. One thing i know though- it only comes from God. The more I look inward, the more I try to find light in my own heart apart from God, the darker and uglier and gloomier my life becomes. It truly is only in His light that we see light.