Passion

I've been thinking a lot the last couple days/weeks/months about how more and more, all that really matters is Jesus. It used to be that I could sort of relegate my Christianity to my circle of church friends and my Sundays but lately, it consumes me. I think this transformation has really taken off in the last couple years. Maybe it's just that as I've grown up, I've solidified what I believe and what my priorities are. I don't know- I think it is that I opened my heart to Jesus, just a little crack, fearful of what might happen, and little by little, He is consuming me. I love it.

Last night, we had a baptism service at our church and I was thinking back to when I was baptized. I was only about 6 or 7. When I think of that time, I remember having a pure, simple love for Jesus and knowing without any doubts that if I wanted to go to Heaven, I had to follow Jesus. I was baptized by a dear man, Pastor Dix. He is still in my life today- When I was little, I thought he was an angel. Mostly because I had really bad eyes as a kid and before I got glasses, he always seemed to have this fuzzy halo of light around his head as I watched him preach. Really. So I assumed he was an angel. But once I could see a little better, I still thought he was such a kind man. As he has aged, he has only become more like Jesus.

When I think of baptism, I think of it as putting a stake in the ground and saying "This is it, I am on Jesus' side. For better or worse, I'm following Him". As a kid, I don't think I really understood all that entailed but now, I love Jesus with such a passion. I think of Christians in other countries who are killed and tortured because they believe in Jesus and I think of how Jesus says Blessed are you when men persecute you for My sake- I understand that. I understand how suffering for the sake of Jesus is a cause for joy. I love Jesus so much- to have the opportunity to suffer for Him even a little seems like such a privilege.

I've been thinking about how this deep passion plays out in daily life though. As I am transformed, I see how the little battles in my mind are getting easier to win. When my mind starts to say that I am worthless and a creature of sin, I used to just run with that and wallow in my depravity but if I look at the last year, I see how those times are getting farther and farther apart. And when I do hear those words of condemnation, I turn to Jesus right away. I know that I am precious in His eyes and any voice that says differently is from the pit of Hell.

I don't really have much cause to stand up before evil men and declare my love for Jesus but every day, I have opportunities to declare to Satan that I belong to Jesus. I feel like there is such a battle for the souls of my children. I feel it raging around me sometimes- when I'm not close to Jesus, I easily slip into anger and pride and selfishness, giving my children opportunities for resentment and bitterness and destroying any testimony I might have with them. I have to constantly be on guard against those fleshly desires so that Jesus can shine through me and touch my children's lives. I have to stand up to the forces that want to pull me away from Jesus and say "No, I will give my life for Jesus- He is my passion, my desire, nothing else matters"

I don't feel like any of these thoughts have a good conclusion- it is a lot of rambling. I'll keep pondering.. the bottom line is- I love Jesus and I'm in awe that He loves me enough to change me and make me like Him.